Yes it’s that time of year again, the rainy season in the lovely Bay Area which means it’s open season on idiotic behavior.
First off, the golf umbrellas, or as I like to call them, “Sport Utility Umbrellas”. Massively oversized, primarily under control of tiny little ladies with no navigational skills who crawl along crowded sidewalks, holding them at just the right height so the metal ends are at eye level, giving them a 6 food diameter Shield Of Death. Thank you everyone for walking around with these damn things and not paying any attention whatsoever to anyone nearby. Now one person meandering back and forth can block an entire fucking sidewalk.
And just like any other umbrella when it gets a little windy the thing turns into a sail, whipping around and bashing into innocent passers-by, or just inverting and becoming worthless so they toss it on the street.
I am sure that someone will chime in with why it is absolutely vital for people to walk around wielding these things, such as “My hair is made of sodium and it will explode upon contact with water” or “My baby will drown if a drop of rain touches him” and to those people I will offer my fervent prayers that Satan Himself materializes next to you, grabs that umbrella, rams it up your posterior and then opens it (the umbrella, that is) vigorously and repeatedly. Fuck you, you Behemoth Bumbershoot Bearing Bastards. Buy a jacket you twits.
This morning I saw what must be the largest umbrella ever manufactured - this thing was the size of a goddamn Mongolian yurt and people were stepping aside half a block ahead when they saw it coming.
Next up, driving! Oh what a thrill it is to be in traffic with people who don’t seem to grasp the concept that when it’s raining:
a. It’s harder to see.
b. It’s harder to stop.
Slow the fuck down. Don’t drive ten feet behind the guy in front of you at 60mph. Use your damn windshield wipers - and by “use” I mean “Have them going fast enough to actually clear the water from your windshield so that you can see”. Turn your freaking lights on - it’s been the law in other states for a long time, and has been here in California for several years, that if the weather is inclement enough that you need your wipers then you are required to have your lights on as well. Why? Because a gray car is not that easy to see when it’s pouring and you haven’t got a clue as to how to use the defogger setting on your car’s dashboard.
Driver this morning (I take the casual carpool) let his windows fog up completely and got on the freeway in that condition (wipers going vigorously - hint, sir; the condensation is on the INSIDE not the OUTSIDE). After a few white-knuckle miles he cranked up the defogger to maximum which began to clear the view. As soon as about 50% of the windshield was clear he then turned the control off completely so that he could hear the fucking DJ with his idiotic “blooper in the morning” prank calls.
Windscreen immediately begins to fog up again so what does the driver do? Why of course he wipes off his glasses and SLOWS THE WIPERS DOWN! What could possibly be wrong with that plan?
A few more miles down the freeway and he cranks the defog to maximum again and keeps his hand on the control. Again, the instant that there’s a small hole of visibility he turns it off.
Rinse, lather, repeat.
Here’s a thought buddy, once the windscreen is clear, leave the defogger running at low level so it doesn’t fog up again. I swear on my soul that it will not cost you anything extra and everyone stands a better chance of getting to work alive.
I am astounded that these folks make it out of the shower alive each morning.
