So, I sent in my tax returns on Saturday. I mailed the federal, and dropped the State off at the Office of the Commissioner of the Revenue in person. I was somewhat surprised to find that there was no line there. I guess the real “season” doesn’t start until later in the year.
Anyway, I mentioned it to a co-worker and she replied, “You don’t do anything like normal people do, do you?” While I objected to the general characterization, I have to admit to the accuracy in the particular case of taxes, and the IRS. Let me tell you a story, about how I learned to stop being a criminal, and overcome fear of the Tax Man.
A long time ago, I was a minor criminal. Political, mostly, but not entirely without misdemeanor counts for which I could claim no valid philosophical justification. One of the facts that became a part of my criminality was filing tax returns. Well, not filing tax returns, to be more precise. You see, I never had, and becoming a philosophical criminal of conscience gave me a perfect excuse not to start. The details of my criminal experience are not germane to the rest of the story, but it explains how a careless lack of attention to detail became a willful decision to habitual miscreancy.
You see, once I had established the pattern, I was in the predicament that if I then broke the habit, and filed, well . . . who knew what would happen? Now over the years my life of crime failed to amount to much in the way of threat to the general peace. In the end, even the FBI lost interest, and my files all went inactive for lack of interest on anyone’s part. But the habit of leaving no trail was pretty well ingrained by then. So, I still didn’t do a lot of “normal” things that people do. No registered car, or registered anything for that matter. No ID cards, change of address, or licenses, or such. Certainly no form 1040.
So, along comes a new life, madness, and recovery, a change in employment habits. (Like having one job, instead of 56.) I lost interest in politics, quit using drugs, and really did stop committing crimes. Except the one. I had to admit now that it was not just political, I just couldn’t bring my self to break cover to the IRS. So, here I was, a model citizen now, and a credit to my community, with my deep dark secret. Decades passed. Several of them, in fact.
Now, even a model of civil behavior such as yours truly comes across an enemy now and then. So imagine my surprise when a former friend rats me out to a buddy in the state office of the Commissioner of the Revenue. I am a tax cheat! I should get hung out to dry! The commish, or one of his minions, at least concurs. Letters are written, penalties assessed, I am unmasked. I am also advised that IRS will undoubtedly have something to say. So, I go to my employer, get copies of W-2s for the last eight years. (all they had.) fill out the forms, send in the papers. The Commish dithers, and delays a week or two, and then sends me $3500 bucks and a stern letter telling me never to do this again.
So, I call IRS. I ask the nice lady to mail me some forms for previous years of form 1040. “What years do you need?” she asks. “I guess all of them, since 1963.” I reply. “You haven’t filed since 1962?” she asks with a kind of trembling sound in her voice. “No, I never filed,” I say, “but I didn’t earn enough before that to have to file.” “Are you self-employed?” she asks. “Why, no, I work for the Government.” I answer.
She was nonplussed. She couldn’t think of a thing to say. She finally told me that she could only send me three years worth of back tax forms. She also said that she could send this years form, as well. I thanked her. The forms arrived the following week, I filled them all out, and sent them in. I got nearly six thousand, and another stern letter. My attorney, after an incredulous hour of interview told me that I could be prosecuted for the misdemeanor of not filing, but that it was unlikely.
Like I said, it was a political thing. I was never delinquent in paying taxes. I believe in paying taxes. I just don’t believe in helping the government keep track of me. Now days I don’t mind. But I still have my fun at the expense of the IRS. I file first day I can, every year. Form 1040A. I take the standard deduction, no exemptions except for self and son. No income other than one job, and no credits, or other side issues. Then, in April, every year, after the 15th, I call up the local office and ask for an audit. Sometimes I have to get downright nasty about it. But I have a right to be audited, even if my taxes are too simple to screw up. They just aren’t set up to deal with someone who really doesn’t care about the money.
I think next year I will let them calculate my taxes, and then ask for an audit.
<P ALIGN=“CENTER”>Tris</P>
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
– [b ]Abbie Hoffman**
