So I wandered in my front door last night to find a letter from the ever popular Internal Revenue Service waiting for me.
“Oh bugger” I thought to myself.
I waited until after dinner to open the letter though. I figured dinner would buffer me a little. So then after dinner I plopped down on the couch and opened the letter. Turns out it was nothing major - I’d forgotten to include one of my W2s with my return. I just needed to return my completed form, plus the missing W2 within 20 days. Okey dokey.
So as I was gathering up the papers and getting everything in order to send back to my local processing center, I noticed there were actually two completed 1040 forms.
“Hmmmm. That’s odd.”
I inspected the second form a little more closely to see whose it was. Maybe my fiance I was thinking - after all we live together and all. I can see the papers being mixed up.
But no! Instead I have been sent by the ever-so-organized federal government some total stranger’s tax return. Some total stranger’s COMPLETED tax return. Some total stranger’s completed and SIGNED tax return. Some total stranger’s completed and signed tax return with DIRECT DEPOSIT information to their checking account.
“My goodness - this is an identity thief’s dream come true right here!” I think to myself.
Not being an identity thief by profession, I wonder what I should do with my randomized paperwork contribution. Since the IRS has thoughtfully provided a flier in my notice with a phone number, I call them up in search of guidance.
It’s April 14th, so I am on hold. While I’m on hold, I stuff wedding invitation envelopes, watch TV, and contemplate what exactly one should do with someone else’s completed tax return. Here were some possibilities:
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Throw it away. Simple and efficient! However, I can see this causing a fairly substantial issue for Jennifer (the actual owner of the tax return). Penalties, back taxes, lack of her refund (which, based on her reported income, she needs desperately), bankruptcy and evenual suicide out of sheer desperate depression (okay I got a little far afield here, but assembling wedding invitations, while ultimately joyful, is damn boring).
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Send it to the poor confused taxpayer it really belongs to. This will cost me 37 cents, but hey it’s a mitzvah right? Although, how do you explain this to the woman? What if she’s the paranoid sort and decides that I must be an identity thief?
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Return it to the IRS. Again we have the "how do I explain this"conundrum. Plus I found I begrudged the IRS the stamp more than some poor schoolteacher in New Hampshire.
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Actually become an identity thief. Granted, not for long, but really - how often do you get an opportunity for crime handed to you on a golden platter like that? I mean geez. It was literally EVERYTHING I NEEDED! Social security number, address, signature, bank account numbers - the works!
After quite some time on hold - listening to The Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies on perpetual loop, by the way - I get an actual live IRS employee!! Glory Hallelujia! The following conversation ensues:
“Hello this is Mr. Thompson (they referred to themselves as Mr. or Ms. Last Name the whole time), badge number ____, how can I help you?”
“Well, you guys sent me someone else’s return.”
“That’s not possible. What do you mean someone else’s return?”
“I mean I got a notice that I’d failed to include a W2 with my own return back in the mail and included in the package was a completed return for someone other than myself.”
“How do you know it wasn’t for yourself?” (Really I swear! They asked!)
“Erm my name isn’t Jennifer, I don’t live in New Hampshire, and my social security number is not --____?”
“Let me transfer you to the Procedures office”
I start to say “Okay” but am cut off by the Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies again.
I am really starting to hate that song.
Half an hour passes. Now I’m wishing Tschaikofsky had kept his mouth shut. Stupid sugarplum fairies anyway.
Once again I get to speak to a real live person! I am excited!!
“Hello this is Mr. Jefferson, badge number ____, how can I help you?”
“Well, you guys sent me someone else’s return.”
“That’s not possible. What do you mean someone else’s return?”
“I mean I got a notice that I’d failed to include a W2 with my own return back in the mail and included in the package was a completed return for someone other than myself.”
“How do you know it wasn’t for yourself?” (Really I swear! They asked!)
“Erm my name isn’t Jennifer, I don’t live in New Hampshire, and my social security number is not --____?”
“Let me transfer you to the Risk Assessment office”
I start to say “Okay” but am cut off by the Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies again.
Another half an hour passes.
At this point, I devoutly wish terrible curses upon everyone who has ever performed that song in the history of the world.
Once again, a real live person! My joy is complete!
The conversation repeats. Again I am on hold - more freaking fairies. Who needs fairies? Someone get a flamethrower!
Eventually (after several repetitions), I am speaking with the Regional Director. This poor bastard is still in the office at nearly 11:30 pm because it is APRIL 14TH OMG! And his blood pressure is not being helped by the knowledge that somehow his office sent out a fully completed W2 to the WRONG PERSON. In the wrong state. The only thing that provided a point of commonality between her return and mine was gender. Literally nothing else matched.
Apparently, the appropriate thing to do is to mail it back to the IRS with a breif note explaining what happened 
So I did. After mailing a similar note to poor Ms. Misdirected Return.
I did send her a nice letter explaining exactly what happened - with enough information so that she knows that I did, in fact, get her own personal tax return 