Well, I have just had my first experience with one. For over an hour, I HAD to sit there and listen to this person and her scented markers and smiley face “prizes” tell me and my co-workers exactly what is wrong with us and our company. WE PAID THIS WOMAN TO TELL US STUFF WE ALREADY KNOW!!! The boss was there. This is a man who couldn’t admit he was wrong if his life depended on it. In the next couple of weeks, we’re going to receive a report with suggestions of some things we need to do to make our company PERFECT!! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…perfection…
I did not participate because, being the realist that I am, NOTHING WILL COME OF THIS.
Oh, they MIGHT TRY to solve some of the problems, but they’ll give up when they realize that they’ll have to SPEND MONEY to achieve these goals.
I know what you’re thinking - why don’t I leave? I’M WORKING ON IT. The job market is weak right now and no one wants to cough the good money. I’m getting to the point where sacrifices might have to be made.
I was sent on a required training (four hours that I’ll never get back again) on email, and the ‘instructor’ confessed to us at the beginning of the session (in the ‘let’s get acquainted’ phase 9:00 am - 9:20 am), that on the side, she did ‘motivational speaking’. uh-huh, thanks for sharing.
My high school had us listen to a couple of motivational speakers for an entire day once. You cannot beat seven hours of motivation.
What I thought was funny was they were saying things like “You don’t need anyone to baby you. You can do anything you want as long as you accept the consequences. Why, you could stand up and leave right now!” and the teachers/guards were walking around the back of the auditorium going “Get your feet off that chair. Tuck in your shirt. Spit out that gum.”
I couldn’t help reading Mr. Blue Sky’s post with the voice of Chris Farley’s motivational speaker character in my head.
“WE PAID THIS WOMAN TO TELL US STUFF WE ALREADY KNOW!!!”
“NOTHING WILL COME OF THIS!”
“…why don’t I leave? I’M WORKING ON IT!”
“I’M NOT ATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN!!”
“It’s because I live in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!”
[sub]No offense, Mr. Sky. It just made me laugh.
Yep, about as expensive and knowledgeable as many paid consultants (which is to say not terribly knowledgeable at all) with the added benefit of hopping around shouting as if on crack.
But if you want your fill of glurge, misapplied statistics, and trendy corporate jargon (can you say paradigm shift?) then this is the way to do it. Anyone ever see a good one?
Since spoof is often the signpost identifying when the public has had enough of something, perhaps that show featuring Jason Alexander (though it doesn’t look particularly interesting in and of itself) signals the decline of motivational speakers.
We had one at my highschool after a student tried to kill herself. God, but those were spectacularly useless people. They made us practice hugging each other, with the caveat that you couldn’t refuse anyone a hug. After about forty five seconds, the five hottest girls in my class had literal lines of guys waiting for a hug. I don’t know what they did the rest of the day. I was out of there after fifteen minutes (and after I got my hug from Dee “The Chest” Sanders)
The corporation I used to work for spent untold amounts of bread on this “quality training” concept in the early to mid-1990’s. It was a trendy idea co-opted from Japan, where the idea (apparently, to my knowledge/brainwashing) actually worked.
In this example, the idea went over worse than New Coke. All the “internal customers” (meaning, the folks on the front line who did the actual work and dealt with the “external customers” every day), were subjected to one-day retreats in a bucolic setting, where these great concepts were explained with the appropriate amount of corporate enthusiasm by the Regional Manager. They left these gatherings with either one of two thoughts: 1) Great! I can tell my manager to go f#$@ himself and not get in trouble!
2) I am up here listening to this horses@#t; therefore, I am losing a day of production that my asshole manager will demand I make up for.
For the “asshole” middle manager (which I was at the time, having been promoted against my wishes), we got to go to these absolutely grand one-to-two-week long gatherings, all designed to reinforce the idea of “quality”. During such times, we were all furiously calling back to our respective branches just to make sure everything was okay (i.e., making sure we would actually have jobs when we got back). Make no mistake, it was made quite clear to us from our bosses that, no matter what horse-hockey is the flavor of the day for the corporate office, our objective remains the same: To make as many sales and produce as many billable service results as possible by any means necessary.
People don’t need motivational speakers, quality training, or any other kind of crap like that. A good worker will do his or her job to the best of their ability. A good manager will recognize the strengths and weaknesses of his or her employees and will make positive opportunities for those who excel and achieve. A good corporate stiff should have the ability to know if a manager is keeping the organization in order, producing a profit, rewarding those who do well, and dealing creatively with those who would be better suited for another opportunity.
Above all, most folks I’ve met really want this contract from their employer; “Let me do my job, and then let me go home. Don’t subject me to B.S. that will only bore me and put me behind in the things that I am required to do.”
In my few years as corporate drone, I was subjected to more than a few motivational speakers. Even worse was when my bosses heard a motivational lecture and then tried to cook up new policies to implement some reckless new idea.
Oh we had one guy when I was in high school on “The Power of Positive Thinking.” Blech.
He confessed he had been a screw up and delinquent, but he turned his life around by “thinking positively.” I’m thinking, yeah, some guy standing up there saying, “Yeah, but I’m Okay!” is really gonna motivate us.
I always liked the paramedic from MADD who would come to the school and tell you some stories about drinking, driving and responsibility. Some of her stories-most of which were true and EXTREMELY gruesome could put the fear of god into a lot of people.
We had a team of “motivational smashers of shit” come to our high school and - I’m not kidding - smash bricks and cement and whatnot, all the time yelling about how drugs were bad and that we were all good people inside. They were actually “Smashers of Shit for Jesus” because their act was typically a Christian one to be peformed in churches. They did do a couple shows at churches in my town, and I guess our principal snatched them up while the opportunity was ripe, as long as they didn’t mention Jesus or anything (which they didn’t).
Damn, tsarina. Why did they save the good assemblies for after I’d graduated. I’d have paid money to watch something that horrible. Damn MST3K for doing this to me!
Well, this probably doesn’t count. I went to a conference in Nashville and when we looked over the program, we saw that our keynote speaker, the role usually reserved for someone who will say something motivational, was Sarah Cannon, the woman who played Minnie Pearl on Hee Haw. We couldn’t believe it; we were gonna listen to some dingbat with a price-tagged hat? From HEE HAW?!?
But you know what? She was a damned good speaker. Interesting, plain spoken, wise. Knew how to read a crowd. It remains one of the most memorable such speeches I’ve ever had to sit through. Would that some of the other “motivational” gurus I’ve heard yammer were nearly so relevant and useful.
We had lots of these in high school. For the record, I attended a very small rural high school. Most of our motivational speakers were of the “You CAN do it!!! You CAN do it WITHOUT drugs and alcohol!!!” variety.
The exception was a motivational speaker brought in during my senior year–“Grandaddy Junebug.” The elementary school kids (grades K-12 were on the same campus) were brought over to listen too. His message was basically about “teaching us to be Good Little Christian boys and girls.” :rolleyes:
Many of these speakers selected “volunteers” from the audience to demonstrate their point–often in an embarrassing manner. I hated that.
You’re complaining about an hour? One little hour??? When you have to listen to some moron for six hours straight then I’ll feel worse for you. It was a wonderful day, one of the groups disagreed so much that they got into a shouting match during one of the “motivational activities” and didn’t do it. Nothing like watching grown adults act like four year olds when at a seminar. At least at the second seminar we only had to listen to a moron for four hours.
I had to endure at least 16 hours of ‘motivational speaking’ at work - I’m thinking it may have been more than two days, but I have blocked most of it from my memory. One thing that really pissed me off about it was that I found out how much the speaker was being paid to talk to us, and it was ridiculous - $5000 a day to give repetitive inane speeches, administer ‘brain teasers’ I got sick of in 6th grade, and have us do activities like writing down good things about other people in the class on sheets of paper and seeing if we could tell who was being talked about.
Last friday at school we had some Christian band called “The Agents” play at our assembly.
It was hellish, to say the least. They played “Knocking on Heavens Door” and “Stairway To Heaven” and a bunch of other songs inbetween giving pointless speeches about how their lives were terrible before they repented and found god. Pssh, throw me a frickin’ bone here.
You had the crew of Voyager come as motivational speakers and they sucked? I can’t imagine that would be possible.
Janeway: Remember class, the key to happiness is to have a positive outlook. We were 70,000 light years from Earth, but did we ever give up hope? No!
Ensign Kim: I did.
Janeway: We stuck together as a team. It was teamwork that got us through this. Maquee and Federation in it together as equals.
Chakotay: some more equal than others.
Janeway: It was our positive outlook that got us through the Year of Hell. We held strong and trusted one another. It was the trust excercises that did it. I want you all to pair off and do trust excercises with each other.
Paris: Captain, those things are the stupidest activities you could possibly do. Catching someone before he falls isn’t going to help anyone turn their assignments in on time.
Janeway: Paris, you’re demoted to ensign.
Paris: I am an ensign. You demoted me last week.
Janeway: Then you’re now a cadet. Your first order of business is to smack Ensign Kim across the face for being a weenie.
Kim: Hey, I have feelings too, you know.
Janeway: Oh, no one gives a shit about your feelings, Harry. :Paris smacks Kim: You see class, it’s all teamwork. Good leadership and a “can do” attitude can overcome any adversity. Tell them, Tuvok.
Tuvok: Being unmotivated is illogical.
Janeway: And that’s the best paradigm to be in.
7 of 9: Do you even know what paradigm means?
Janeway: Well, um, it means to stay the course. It means to think outside the box. It means to be…
Nelix: I know what paradigm means and I’m not even human.
Crew: SHUT UP!
Nelix: Well that’s not very can-doish. I just thought as your designated moral officer I could be of service in…
Crew: SHUT UP!
Tuvok: Shouting is illogical.
Janeway: I concur. Now class, as I was saying, the point of these excercises is to develop skills to help you in the real world. To be strong, to be successful, and…holy shit you have big breasts, Seven.
7 of 9: Borg implants.
Janeway: I’ll bet that gets the guys motivated.
B’elana: And the girls too.
Chakotay: You know, my Indian ancestors said that the best way to get motivated was to…
Paris: Holy crap! Again with the Indian ancestors. Give it a freaking rest already.
Tuvok: Bickering is illogical.
:entire crew pulverizes Tuvok:
Janeway: and so class, now you see how well teamwork can serve you in a time of need.
Ha, try working IT in the oil industry. I’ve had to endure keynotes, addresses, retreats and focus groups, all of which have given a number of contradicting messages on how I can be a better, happier more productive me.
I’ve been told to “work a little less, live a little more”, I’ve been told what my Seven Highly effective habits should be, I’ve been told to keep a respectful distance from my staff, I’ve been told to become their best friend, I’ve been told to pay attention to the big picture, I’ve been told that I have to look out for the smallest details…
all by people who don’t have the slightest idea what’s actually involved in my job. But on the plus side, the retreats have had good scenery, the meetings usually have an ok lunch, and it actually makes you happy when you can get back to work.