Who's wrong here (talking while someone is on the phone - husband in trouble)

In My Humble Opinion
1

Okay - this feels like one of those Seinfeld situations:

A friend calls - their spouse is away with their kids, do you want to come over and hang out? Sure - you’re hanging out, watching TV, having a beer - easy times.

Phone rings - friend grabs it and leaves the room; you don’t think anything of it because the TV is on sports with surround sound, so it’s a bit loud.

You think of something - grabbing a beer, say - and as you walk to the kitchen, say something to your buddy “hey, I’m grabbing a beer” or something - a bit loud since you don’t exactly know where he is.

He comes back, totally frustrated - with you. Turns out he was on his phone with his wife - and while she knew he was gonna lounge all day Sunday, it was her understanding that he had work to do Saturday, so why wasn’t he working?? He’s now in big trouble and blames you. Why didn’t you keep quiet?! Why didn’t you realize when he left the room that it might’ve been his wife and to keep quiet?! The mid-afternoon hang time is basically ruined at that point.

You know his wife is truly a delightful woman, but who can be a bit of control freak, so occasional “white lies” have been employed to avoid conflict in the past. Nothing more than carving out Man Time for a beer or something.

So - did I totally blow it by not being clued in and understanding The Man Code situation about this - especially given the history, or should he have said something up front like “dude, if the phone rings mellow out - my wife thinks I’m working on a project, but it’s already done…”???

2

I can’t see how you did anything wrong. If his situation with his wife is so complex that “Oh, WordMan stopped by” wouldn’t work, that doesn’t strike me as something you should be required to know and work around.

3

I don’t think it’s your job to help him lie to his wife. And he didn’t even tell you that’s what he wanted. (Of course, I’m a woman and maybe men are more psychic than we are…)

4

That’s just it - it’s like a Bud Light commercial or something; should I have automatically gone into **Man Time **mode, and re-calibrated my thinking to remember that all phone calls and potential interactions should be suspect?

5

He’s annoyed with you for having an immature relationship with his wife, and not magically knowing who was on the phone? I say it’s his fault entirely - if it was this important, he should have said something in advance, unless it’s a regular given thing and goes without saying that you need to shut up in case it’s his wife on the phone.

6

I don’t recall this happening before. The general sense of “gotta be careful” is there, but not a specific protocol for phone calls or anything…

7

And just how in the hell are you supposed to know that this is what he wanted? I find his expectations to be ridiculous.

8

Would it be “helping him lie” or “not betraying him while he lies”? Men are known to depend on such distinctions :wink:

I don’t think you did anything wrong, OP. There are plausible reasons why you would have been there, such as “to help him on the project” or “for a little break in the project I’m busting my ass on.” I think his lie fu let him down and he’s taking it out on you, man!

9

I would have said that yes, he should have said something like this, but if the project was already finished, what’s wrong with him inviting a buddy over for a beer and some TV time? It sounds like she’s more than ‘a bit’ of a control freak.

10

Next time, just say it in your best female voice.

11

He should have said something beforehand, if he wanted you to behave in a specific (and not particularly normal) way. And really, his marriage isn’t yours to keep fixed… throwing his problems with the wife at your head is just low.

12

I agree, if he’s part of some man club where every phone call must be assumed to be from The Wife or SO and it must also be assumed that he will be lying about where he is and/or who he is with … well … that’s a very special club, my friend.

You didn’t do anything wrong. He’s being a tool. Even if you were 112% willing and eager to help him lie, his assumption that you have ESP or always be in “deception mode” is insane.

13

This is all very helpful - thanks guys.

I didn’t think I was way off…

14

He should have given you the “Shhh” sign on the way out of the room. How were you supposed to know who was calling and that your visit was a secret?

15

Ironically, it’s possible he’s trying to communicate with you in the female mode, which means sharing an emotional experience – in this case, frustration – and you’ve misinterpreted it as male goal-oriented discussion (he’s angry with you and desires a change in your behaviour) rather than him simply sharing the experience of anger with you as a bro thing.

16

I’m chiming in with the rest - the OP had no way of knowing he had to do anything different than what he did. OP, any idea exactly what about your presence set her off? Just curious - I’m having trouble imagining why she’d be mad.

17

Yep, he should have given you a heads up to remain silent. He’s blaming you for his own fuckup. No bro code was broken.

18

2nd. He should be smart enough to tell her his client from Vandalay Industries stopped by to see how the project was going.

19

Well she might just be high maintenance, nagging and controlling. Or she might just be wary of her lazy bum of a husband who cries of a weekend with her friends/parents/kids/whatever with the ‘oh honey. I’m sorry, but I’ve got soooo much work to do’ excuse, only to discover he’s watching football and drinking beer whilst she’s stuck with the kids/parents/neurotic friends.

Either could be true, but let’s not give the person who ISN’T lying all the hard time here.

20

Huh? So he is being lazy or lying to his Wife. Or both. And he blames you because he was ‘caught’. This is at about the Seinfeld level of maturity.

It’s only your fault for having a friend than may be a bit deceitful.

Or simply a problem with their marriage.