Say you are on the phone for a somewhat extended (>10 min) phone call. If your spouse/SO/etc wants approaches, indicating that they would like to speak briefly, how readily do you tell the person on the phone to “hang on a minute”? How intrusive do you deem your SO’s interruption?
I’m thinking about a situation where one person is having an open ended phone conversation with a friend or family member - not about anything like a recent death, not someone they haven’t spoken with in years. Is it appropriate for the SO to expect to interrupt the person on the phone to ask something simple like, “When would you like to eat?” or to say, “I’m running to the store.” Just a 10-30 second interruption, after which the phone conversation can continue as long as they want.
Not a monstrous issue in our house, be me, I basically give deference to the in-person person, and have no hesitation about using the phone person to wait a minute. My wife views such interruptions as more significant and intrusive.
When I used to call my sister (in another city) every week or two, our conversations were habitually interrupted by her half-grown kids trying to get her attention over various non-critical issues.
Even better was hearing call waiting beeps on the line and her asking me if I’d hold so she could talk to the other person.
Nope. If you think a 10 minute phone call should repeatedly be interrupted in that manner, you obviously don’t value the other person and their time very much.
Our communications eventually downgraded to e-mail and then ended altogether.*
I guess it depends on the reason for the interruption. “When would you like to eat?” or “I’m running to the store” are not valid reasons (to me) to interrupt a conversation. In the same way I won’t answer my phone while I’m speaking to someone face to face.
Yeah - really low down on any list of “issues” in our 36-yr marriage. Just something we see differently, and I wondered how common the different views were.
If I’m on the phone and I notice my wife approaching - maybe just looking at me or perhaps w/ a finger raised - to me it is entirely natural to just tell the person on the phone to wait a minute.
For whatever reason, my wife views it as a significant interruption. This is not a sign of mental deterioration or anything, but she seems to have difficulty shifting her focus like that. She even views it as an interpretation if I slip her a note.
See, I’d want to be interrupted for that. I don’t mind interruptions myself, especially for stuff that is or may be useful for me (“while you’re out there, can you pick up some Diet Coke for me?”) I generally try not to interrupt my wife, but for the above reasons I would, and she probably would want me to. Not if she’s on a work call, but a social call it’s fine. I usually try to get a quick sense of the tone of conversation before interrupting, and I’ll usually try to mime (like with “walking fingers”) that I’m going out. If she’s had an issue with it, she’s never told me, and she would definitely tell me.
I suppose if it happened regularly other than for reasons of passing on some information or soliciting information from the other person (where said information is needed in a timely manner), it might get irritating, but, in general, nah.
I’m with the OP. This doesn’t seem at all unreasonable. It’s one thing if you’ve got kids who are interrupting you every ten seconds, but an occasional brief pause seems quite unobjectionable.
I’d rather not be interrupted for something minor. Usually my husband will get my attention and make hand gestures, but after years of not being able to finish a thought or even the simplest task (constant interruptions when my kids were little), it is kind of a knee-jerk reaction to get annoyed. Plus, even if it’s family and they understand, I defer to the person on the phone since it’s not like a normal three-person conversation, and they don’t have the benefit of seeing visually that I’m already engaged, whereas the in-person person can see that I physically have a phone up to my ear.
Ultimately it’s not a huge issue, but does cause some mild irritation unless someone genuinely needs my attention.
Yeah, definitely not a huge issue. Often what I have to say or want to know can wait - but basically the only reason I interrupt is b/c I don’t know whether the call will end in 5 minutes or 50.
Maybe I’m working, but I have a limited window within which I can eat lunch - so I want to know if she wants to eat together during that window, or if I should just make myself something. Or I am thinking about starting yard work or something. I want to know if she is going to be off the phone and want to do something together before I would expect to finish the chore.
It is just the 2 of us. I’m certain that the vast majority of her phone calls take place w/ no interruption from me. For whatever reason, just saying, “Hold on a sec,” seems like a big deal to her. The vast majority of the time my impression is that she and her friends/relatives aren’t exactly exchanging nuclear codes or anything…
That’s me. I know it’s not your fault but I find it very difficult to be in more than one conversation at one time. Don’t know exactly why but I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD.
Yeah - she really hates background noise/music, or when a small gathering breaks into separate conversations.
But I’m not trying to have multiple ongoing conversations. I think I’m giving a clear, patient signal, just asking for a brief interruption. So she can pause her phone conversation, exchange a couple of sentences with me, and then go back to her phone conversation.
Casual conversations can be gently interrupted to take a quick question or acknowledge someone’s comings and goings.
What I hate to hear is when someone starts yelling at their dog when on a call. It’s like they yell into the phone shaddup go sit down NO! Down down. I hang up right there and then!
I’ve found with me and my husband it’s a matter of prioritization differences and decision fatigue on my part.
For example, my husband really prioritizes lunch. He tries really hard to make sure I get a chance to eat since I usually have meetings all day from about 8-5. I am rarely not on a call when I eat. He’s trying to be efficient when he interrupts me to ask what I’m going to eat for lunch. If I can’t speak, he will literally stand in front of my desk, staring at me and making hand gestures until I respond in some way. For my part, answering that question is yet another decision I need to make for the both of us. And I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about lunch. I mean, I want to eat, but I cook every single other meal for us, so I just don’t want to think about cooking another thing during the day when I’m paid to think about something else.
Or if I’m on the phone with my mom and he interrupts to say, “Hey, I’m off to the grocery,” that’s fine, but “Hey, I’m off to the grocery, what’s on our list?” That’s different in that it requires more time and effort (even though I keep our list in a very visible spot on the fridge - he just asks me what each item is for, where it is and how much to get).
Edited to add: it doesn’t matter if I specify all the above information on the physical list itself, he still wants to review it with me before he leaves. I have yet to figure out why.
I have no problem with my wife interrupting me and will cheerfully ask the caller to hold. My wife, on the other hand, really does not like interruptions. She has trouble going back to where she was in the conversation. Naturally, I never interrupt her without a very good reason.
I am totally with the OP in the OP. But often these brief interruptions can often be handled without the person on the phone even being aware that there was a quick, sub-conversation happening (gestures, whispering, mouthing words).
I don’t think this is an issue between my wife and I. If either one of us is on the phone the other will generally not interrupt unless it’s urgent, and I don’t think either one of us minds being interrupted on the phone if it’s necessary (and urgent / necessary could be as routine as "I’m ordering takeout from the Thai place- whaddaya want?).
One phone etiquette thing about my wife that does irk me-- if we’re watching TV, something that can’t just be paused like the evening news, and I get a call I want to take, I’ll leave the room to take it. But she’ll take a call right there where she’s sitting and make me mute the TV. Hasn’t irked me enough to make an issue of it yet though-- if her call goes longer than a minute or two she’ll generally go elsewhere, and the news is often better muted anyway.
Yeah, I suspect that it’s a matter of different people’s brains working differently. And that it’s people like these who really should not be talking on the phone while they drive.
I would never interrupt my wife on one of her “chats”. Those calls are important to her.
I’d just leave a note on the counter: “Heading to store, text if you need anything.” or “Grilling salmon for dinner 6-ish, unless you gesticulate at me.”
I seldom have anything “important” enough to interrupt my wife on the phone unless it’s like a “two second” thing. However, when I was working and “on the road” and was calling home, I made sure the children (now all adults in their 40s) knew to check call display if the phone beeped as there was “no such thing” as a call important enough to a teenager that trumped dad calling home while on the road.
If it’s your spouse, I’d say best be extremely selective but if it’s children, it’s OK to interrupt (not rudely of course, be polite about it as there’s still some privacy to protect). Today of course, they’d all have cell phones so most likely a non-issue.