Why are some people so secretive about their finances?

In My Humble Opinion
21

There are several reasons. We can case them out.

  1. The asker is dicksizing. I would prefer not to dignifiy this with a response, especially considering my dick blots out the sun when I whip it out.

  2. The asker is likely to change his opinion about me based on my answer. I kind of prefer people to form an opinion of me based on things I consider more socially relevant than my marginal product. It invites presumptions about who I am driven by the asker’s biases.

  3. The asker wants to borrow money. If you have to ask, you will never know.

  4. The asker wants to sell me drugs. I’ll pass, thanks.

The asker does not bear the consequences of my finances. I do. As such, I do not see any reason why anyone else needs to know.

22

Well, to large extent I guess I’m just reflecting what I perceive as a pretty strong societal convention, and I see no great personal gains to be had by defying that
convention.

We make enough that we consider ourselves quite comfortable, and we are sufficiently frugal that we consider ourselves quite secure. But we live in an area where the norm is to drive multiple BMWs/Mercedes and own $1 mill+ homes. It impresses me that a lot of these people try to openly display their wealth, almost like birds displaying plumage. What has been apparent lately, tho, is that altho many of my neighbors are quite wealthy, several others were leveraged to the hilt, and foreclosures are not at all uncommon.

So what is the benefit to my letting anyone in my neighborhood know exactly what I make, or how I have saved/invested it? (Actually, at present there are times I almost feel like bragging about how comfortable we are given the current economy due to our conservative habits, as I see people who used to spend cash like water suddenly try to come t grips with not being able to simply buy whatever they fancy. But I don’t really like my neighbors!) :wink:

I have exactly 1 friend that I speak completely openly with in terms of income, net worth, etc. I occasionally muse at the fact that with so many people, I know their job titles, but have NO IDEA what they might make. My one brother-in-law does something with computers. They appear pretty comfortable. Does he make $70K or $170K? Or my other BIL who was a partner in a top accounting firm. He appears wealthy, but how wealthy? Did he make $200K, $500K, or $1 million per year?

But when I find myself musing about such things, I quickly realize that I am merely curious, and have no reason to really know such things about others. How much someone makes/owns, and how they choose to spend it really ought to have next to no impact on my relations with them.

With our kids, as they became teens we started telling them more about what things cost, just to help them in their college/career planning. Basically wanted them to appreciate that they have a pretty comfortable life, and that isn’t going to be simply handed to them. If they want to “follow their dream”, they might need to expect a somewhat less comfortable lifestyle. And if they wish a certain level of comfort, they may wish to plan accordingly.

So, why is money something you think ought not be private? Is anything private? If so, what, if not finances?

23

**Why are some people so secretive about their finances? **

It’s nobodies damn business.

24

Perhaps you should ask that of the pro sports athlete who comes home from a road trip (think pro basketball right now) only to find their million-dollar home broken into and expensive things they own now stolen. It’s no secret when some athlete gets signed to a new contract with the big bucks that someone is going to want some of that money for themself. So they steal what a big paycheck will buy when the athlete is away.

Would you like to live that way?

Or shall we make it worse in that you don’t care that people know you have quite a bit of money, until you get a phone telling you that it will cost you $100,000 to get your child back unharmed. Or maybe the ranson will only be $5,000. The actual amount really doesn’t matter; what matters is you have something someone else wants.

So why set yourself up in the first place? It’s none of your damn business.

25

I recently had this conversation with my parents. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. My parents always drilled into me that finances are very private, so asking them about money felt almost like asking them about their sex life. Also, the implication behind my asking was that I’m preparing for the time in the not-terribly-distant future when I might have to take care of them. My mom was open and honest, and she understood the need for the conversation. Still, it was kind of an awful conversation.

26

Hmm, well there’s really not much to worry about there. More money, more problems.

If you have any decent amount of money there’s hardly any chance that letting people know you have it will bring about anything good. There’s a greater chance that it will lead to something bad. Maybe that something bad is as inconsequential as getting asked for a loan, or as bad as robbery or murder, or anything in between. So best to just keep your mouth shut.

27

According to a comment made by a colleague today in our UK office, UK legislation states that an employee can be sacked for disclosing the amount of his/ her salary to an employee on the same level.

I have no idea if this is true. But I was flabbergasted.

28

Why do you want to know?

29

I think this brings up a very good point. There’s been a lot of assumption in this thread that people are trying to protect themselves from negative judgments and condescension of others who make more money.

But in my experience, people who make the least tend to also hide their finances the least. It seems that the paycheck-to-paycheck types are the quickest to be up front about what their wage is, how much is in the bank, what the house payment is, etc. This is especially true when speaking with people in similar circumstances. By the time you go up the socioeconomic ladder to the upper middle class, all of that same information is seriously confidential, even (especially?) when peers are concerned.

I don’t think it’s shame or inferiority complexes that make people secretive about their money. I think it’s just more sensitive for people who are more used to money as a reflection of status.

30

Why the attitude in that reply? :confused:

My thought is that if talking about money became more commonplace, some people would have an easier understanding how money/savings works. Especially, as noted above, when it’s a parent/child relationship. When I inquired as to my dad’s pension, as a teenager, it was completely a question aimed toward figuring out how it works, rather than how to get money.

I also know that when I was flat broke, it was helpful to talk to the handful of people that were willing to talk about it to figure out budget tricks, goals to set, tax issues and things like that. Again, disclosure was very helpful.

While I see your point, I think your examples of “baseball millionaire” and “kidnapping for ransom” are a little far fetched to be applicable to this discussion.

I don’t think it is appropriate to ask over the back fence - “So, how much money do you make?” as that is rude and irritating. But, I think it can be very helpful in a conversation with a friend/relative to say something like “I know you guys are doing okay with your investments right now. I just lost $10,000 in my pension account. Where are you invested?” This could quite possible lead to a helpful conversation that involves specific dollar amounts. But, more often, it leads to non-helpful stonewalling and vague generalizations.

31

Well, often one wishes to know how similar jobs elsewhere in the industry are rewarded, as a way of determining relative bargaining power with one’s employer, for example.

It is very difficult to go into a contractual negotiation without knowing the relative worth of one’s work. How can you get this information without asking people similarly situated?

32

I’ve read the reason Americans are big tippers is because we’re somewhat neurotic about class, and generally hate being associated with anything other than “middle working class.”

Talking about money speaks too much to what class you may belong to.

33

Where I’m from (Boston) you don’t talk about money if you don’t have any because it’s shameful, and you don’t talk about money if you have lots because it’s shameful. Everyone wants to think they’re middle class. The multi-millionaire CEO of the company I work for wants people to think he leads a simple, middle class lifestyle. He was born rich and he’s going to die rich, but he lives in an average house and drives an average car (okay, he does have several cars, but he drives a 3-series BMW to work) because it would be shameful to show off his wealth. We would all like to be rich, but we don’t like people who act rich.

34

Is it possible, Gus, that your CEO is rich because he’s willing to drive a middle of the road car? It seems to me, the more you flaunt, the more chance you have of losing it (MC Hammer, Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, etc.)

Of course, their celebrity might have something to do with it, but I don’t see Bill Gates tooling around town in a limo and having his catered lunch flown in from Rome or London. My MIL is well off by now, but except for some traveling and some home remodeling, I doubt you’d know by the car she drives.

35

By relying on the published industry averages.
It’s not my job to get you a fair offer, my incentive is to get you the lowest possible pay so there’s more money in the payroll budget available for me. :smiley:

36

But it’s also an area where a lot of parents would like to tell their kids to “do as I say, not as I do”. A lot of people aren’t particularly proud of all the financial decisions they’ve made, or are conflicted about them.

Another issue is that a lot of people don’t really understand finances. They know they should understand it, but they just never got around to figuring out how it all really works.

Parents sometimes have a hard time saying “I don’t know” or “I did something I shouldn’t have” to their kids.

You might have had more success if you had not (as it sounds like you did) tried to start a discussion of finances off with “How much money do you have, Dad?” “I’ve been wondering how budgeting works” (or “how pensions work”) might have been a better opening for that conversation. Finances are a sensitive subject, and, like it or not, discussions of them do have to be handled with tact, not bluntly. People are more willing to get into this sort of discussion if they know you’re not bringing it up to ask for money or judge them on the choices they have made.

Buying status objects or trying to “keep up with the Joneses” are not generally a good investment strategy. An expensive car is a poor investment, because you can’t buy a fancy car and expect it to have appreciated in price when you go to sell it a few years later- quite the opposite. The only way a fancy car is going to make money for you is if you need it to impress clients or investors. A more expensive house is probably going to cost more in taxes and upkeep (larger utility bills, more time spent cleaning a bigger house or caring for a bigger yard, or more money to pay someone else to do those things if you can’t or don’t want to) than a less expensive house.

Or maybe your CEO just isn’t a car person. I could afford a much nicer car than my paid-cash-for 2004 Honda Civic. I don’t buy one because I don’t care about having a fancy car. I’d rather spend the money on stuff that is important to me, like books and trips to Europe.

Maybe your CEO likes some non-obvious thing about his neighborhood and his house that he doesn’t want to give up for a more expensive house. Maybe it’s the house he grew up in, or in the neighborhood he grew up in? Maybe he can walk to his favorite grocery store and restaurant from it? Maybe he doesn’t want to move and make his kids change schools? Maybe he had it custom-built and it’s exactly what he wants in a house, even if it looks average to everybody else? People live in houses- not everybody treats them as an investment.

37

There is a difference in sharing the value of money and wealth within the family, and sharing that knowledge outside of the family, let alone a complete stranger. As for the middle ground, I would take it case by case, with the assumption to never share with someone that you don’t want others to find out about you as well. If one is looking for financial advice, then perhaps joining an investment club might be in order.

And don’t think “baseball millionaire” and kidnapping are far-fetched. We’ve had several specific instances of late here in the Pacific Northwest.

The fact of the matter is American society is a class-based have and have not, me first screw you world. There is no getting around it.

38

I think there are several issues.

The first being that no matter what the number there is some one who feels that it is in excess of your needs at the moment and they should have some of it.

You aren’t starving so $471 leaves a little extra for me to figure out how to get. I could sell you a widget or borrow a few bucks or just steal from you and not feel that bad because you still have some and now I have some.

Your Dad’s retirement account is obviously in excess of his needs at the moment and is therefore vulnerable to the prying eyes of some one who has less. Is Sateryn76 really concerned about my security? No, it kind of feels like she’s concerned about hers.

Or maybe you find out they have a lot more than ever occurred to you and you and your siblings did without some things as kids.
The flip side of that coin is when dealing with some one who has more. They will be judgmental but there is always a bigger fish than them so who cares. The problem is that it raises uncomfortable questions within ourselves.
Why haven’t I done a little better? I’m as smart as that jerk.
Am I really going to be Okay? I don’t know crap about all this financial stuff.

Another issue is the social and class mobility of Americans. Many people are moving up or down the ladder and a little finessing or obfuscating of the financial situation relieves some of the stresses of that. Either way.

By the way my special useless gift or talent or whatever, is that people will tell me the numbers.
Strangers, people I don’t want to know about, people I’ve asked specifically not to tell me, all feel some urgent need to tell me their numbers. And that’s aside from the other revolting details of their lives they’re compelled to share with me.

39

Using your examples, I’d like to know how someone who makes $70K invests, saves, or spends to maintain a comfortable lifestyle, or how someone who makes $170K invests, saves or spends to maintain the same lifestyle. There would have to be major differences, and I could use those to make better financial decisions of my own. I know it can be done with either salary, but I don’t know the best way to do it. I know some people leverage to the max, and some are thrifty, but I’m always looking for a middle-of-the-road approach to money management, so I’d like to know how other people afford the lifestyle that I have.

40

Back when I worked with Russians a lot I had to get used to their questions which to me seemed too personal. “How much do you make? What’s your rent? Your mortgage?” To them it’s like asking what mileage your car gets.