This is a good strategy. Pre-covid, I used to get together with friends for pizza and TV every other week. And I was always late, and it was annoying to others. So the host said, "Next time, let’s get together at 8, except puzzlegal, you are invited to come at 7:45. And I put it in my calendar at 7:45, and of course I knew that everyone else was aiming for 8. But that worked. From then on, I rarely showed up at 7:45 and the host’s household let me sit out-of-the-way while they finished getting ready, and usually I showed up between 7:55 and 8:00, which worked for everyone.
(By the way, I also play in a local bridge game, where we rotate hosts. And one guy used to show up half an hour early. And it DROVE ME FREAKING NUTS. We were still eating supper. I hadn’t yet swept the dust under the rug. It was just really awkward. When I arrive more than 5 minutes early to this game, I SIT IN MY CAR AND LEAVE THE HOST ALONE.) This is an event where it really matters to be on time, fwiw, because no one can start until everyone is there. So I do but in a lot of effort to be on time. But it’s a lot of effort, and I organize my entire late afternoon and early evening around it. It’s not something I’m willing to do for things where the timing is less critical.
Good for you!! It’s a real slap in the face when I’ve spent a couple hours or more preparing a great dinner and my gf isn’t ready to eat at 7 pm. She’s working from home and knows that 7 is our agreed upon food-on-the-table time.
I’ve come close to just dumping the meal in the garbage.
I will absolutely not play the “tell the late person the wrong time” game. They can figure that shit out for themselves.
I will also absolutely not barge in early if I arrive early. That is crazy rude too. I am perfectly capable of sitting in my car playing on my smart phone until it’s time.
Hmm- one of the reasons I’m basically never late is because of my anxiety- I’ll get jumpy and stressed and constantly clockwatch if I’m due anywhere for hours beforehand.
This contributes to my annoyance at chronically late people- it’s not as though I just effortlessly waltz in on time, I’ve put serious effort in. I’ve put the event top of my priority list to be there on time, and when someone else reciprocates by showing up late with no word, it feels like they’re putting me bottom of theirs.
If someone acknowledges that they’re usually late that’s OK- the friend who told me the first time were meeting at a set time ‘Just so you know, I have a crap sense of time and I’m really easily distracted; I’m saying 2, but I’d bring a book. That OK?’ I have absolutely zero issue with, but on multiple occasions I’ve driven long distances to meet people who have then not turned up for well over an hour after the time we agreed, despite them living 10 minutes away and every bit of the meeting being chosen for their convenience, with no good reason. That’s not OK for me, even if it is ‘just a social thing’.
It doesn’t help that my mother is both pretty often late and hates waiting- for example I had to get the train home from school and get picked up, as the station was nearly 10 miles from the house. Mum would avoid doing the pickup wherever possible, getting Dad to do it, and when she did, she’d aim to show up late, because the train was often late and she hated waiting. The fact that it was much worse for me waiting standing outside (often in the rain, in the dark in winter- Northwest England) than sitting in the car with a radio, light and heater didn’t seem to occur to her. I guess I’ve been conditioned to see being the one left waiting as a gesture of disrespect, even if most people don’t mean it that way.
The bridge game is a good example. One of my experiences, which led to my observation about high activity people vs low activity people, was in organizing the annual fantasy football auction. I made the preparation my priority for the day; other things were simply set aside for another day so that 13 other people wouldn’t be waiting on me.
Of course, this effort was undermined by a high activity person who crammed a four hour event into an already crowded schedule – and who naturally was bringing a critical piece of equipment. He was unruffled by everyone else waiting 30 minutes or more for him.
It’s taken me a long while to understand that behavior and I’m not sure that I can fully empathize even now.
Sorry, if that’s true you are doing something wrong. Does your condition interfere with upkeep and maintenance ? My father, me and my brothers were all farmers/ranchers, my dad for almost his whole life. It was 99% the same thing day after day, that’s why my brothers and I got out of it as soon as we could.
Do you think the fact that you are late for everything has anything to do with the people you know being late also?
Don’t cut off half my question so you can answer only the part you want to. What is your disability that causes you to be late?
This is well said. No one in my life is chronically late, but some of these answers from the always late people to blame everyone but themselves, who are totally innocent, are beyond weird.
Well, no. Because, again, people with ADHD have a medical reason why they behave like they do. Stop comparing yourself to people with actual medical disabilities. You’ve (general you) have already said you can show up on time if you want, it’s just that you don’t want to unless it directly benefits you, and everyone else can just piss off.
There are times when punctuality is important and expected. And there are times when it would better serve people to relax.
I’m not usually late. And never late for a few specific things. However, if it is a casual get together I’d rather be 5 minutes late (or more, if polite - everyone should show up late to house parties!) than 30 minutes early. I have spent some time in Mexico and feel they have a sensible attitude towards time and urgency. If someone genuinely gets upset about three minutes than they likely have control issues.
While Ms. P is pretty consistently late, it’s normally a matter of a few minutes. If we’re leaving for vacation, it’s usually more like an hour later than she said she wanted to leave; I know better than to expect anything different (this is when we’re driving, not flying). In this case it’s anxiety; “I know I’m forgetting something.” I’ve also learned that “leaving work soon” can mean a few hours if there’s not something we’re doing after work. “Going out the door” normally means within an hour.
Well, I’ll answer for me. I have a very poor sense of time. My husband can kinda tell how much time has passed since the last time he took note, and I can’t, without explicitly looking at a clock and having memorized the prior time.
Does that rise to the level of a disability? It’s a pretty minor one if it is. But I am less able than other people to manage that sort of thing.
And you know it and you account for it which is what responsible people do. Prior to consumer GPS, I tended to get lost so I would give myself extra driving time.
I strongly suspect it’s the same cause, actually: executive dysfunction.
But that’s just not true. I already said I always struggled to show up on time for my train every morning, and the train certainly wasn’t waiting around. That didn’t inconvenience anyone but me. I’m consistently late when I go places by myself, no matter how much I want to be there on time. It really isn’t about not caring enough, and it certainly isn’t about you.
I mean,… in my case, it is about caring enough. But I only have so much caring about I can manage in a day. (and I think that’s true of everyone) And “being on time” chews up more of my “caring about” budget than it does my husband’s, for instance. So I try to do it if it will be costly, to me or others, to not do so. But I’m late to lots of stuff. And yes, I have probably selected for friends who aren’t really annoyed if I’m a little late. Not because such people are bad people, and not because I’m a bad person, but because we aren’t really compatible.
