Me too. Or worse, I end up not doing the thing I wanted to do at all, because I have run out of time.
I’ve got better at being on time as I’ve grown older and learned to compensate, but I still find it very hard.
And I strongly suspect that you are lazy! I win! Come on, if this is such a major thing for you, what did your doctor say when you asked about it?
But it benefited you, you got something for catching the train.
I’ll ask you also. What does your doctor say to you when you mention this problem? Are you offered any sort of testing or diagnostics? I think people, and you, would understand better if your doctor said you had an anxiety disorder rather than it’s just harder for you to do than it is for most people. Wouldn’t you at least like to see if you can be diagnosed and treated in a way that would allow you to function without all the costs you say you suffer trying to be on time?
I don’t actually suffer that much. Mostly I run late. Or arrive early.
I don’t have an anxiety disorder. My daughter does, and that’s crippling. Much more so that showing up a few minutes late to most things. I don’t think it’s typical to always be exactly on time. I acknowledge that such people exist, but it’s like having perfect pitch, or being able to sink a basketball. It’s a nice ability, but not one that everyone needs. I have excellent color vision, fine motor control, and math ability. I have enough abilities. I’ll manage.
Exactly. I know my nieces will generally be late to things. Everyone in my family knows that. They’re my nieces and I love them so I accept this. I just try to avoid situations involving them where being punctual is important. And when being punctual is important, I will make sure they understand it and they make the effort to be on time.
That’s compromise. I make the effort to not get stressed because they’re late if being late is not a big deal. They make the effort to be on time when being late would be a big deal.
Thanks!
I do the same with my brother. I tend to run 10-15 minutes late. He often runs hours late. It’s a nuisance when I’m hosting thanksgiving dinner, for instance. The rest of us deal with it.
Difficulty with managing time and keeping on schedule is actually one of the core symptoms of ADD.
Post traumatic brain injury too.
Also, “disability” doesn’t mean only total inability to function. If you can do something only with great difficulty which most people do routinely, that’s a disability.
If someone says they have difficulty walking and need a wheelchair, you (general you) probably wouldn’t say “I think you’re just lazy and selfish! You’ve already admitted you can crawl on your hands and knees if you want, you just don’t care about others enough to make the effort!”
Nobody said anything like that. Why you needed to invent something rather than respond to the 200 + posts already here…I don’t know.
It is of being inconsiderate or lazy too. Maybe I asked what their doctors said when they asked about their problem so they could answer, rather than someone passing thru the thread who knows nothing about their conversations with their doctors.
Not all anxiety disorders are at the same level. That’s why I asked you if your doctor had an opinion.
Of course nobody is on time every single time. No one cares if you are a little late or a little early every once in awhile. It’s nothing like having perfect pitch or your other examples. Unless 90% of American’s have perfect pitch. We are talking about people that are late all the time.
It’s interesting how we have people on both sides mentioning or alluding to anxiety. People who run late may do so because they’re anxious about forgetting something, or about facing the thing they have to go to; punctual people are anxious about the consequences of being late. Perhaps that would be useful for everyone to keep in mind.
I have social anxiety and it drives me to be the early, wait in the car until the right time, type.
I’m scared of being called out, or be the center of attention for being late.
Yes, as a mostly punctual person (as the situation dictates), one of my main impetuses to be early to things like catching flights, doctors appointments, work, is to avoid the anxiety of running late. I would rather be at an airport waiting an hour or more at the gate for my flight than to cut it close. I also happen to enjoy airports, so that waiting around an hour or even two is relaxing for me. It’s a time to be in “limbo,” neither “here” nor “there” and away from the world for a bit. (I realize I’m in a distinct minority for that viewpoint.)
I’ve since learned to let go a bit when I do drift late. I send a text or make a phone call, but I’ve stopped stressing about it. There’s nothing I can do to change the situation for now. I used to get really balled up in stress for even being five or ten minutes late. It’s a better way to live.
Given that most of the world’s cultures – from the studies I’ve seen – operate on a more polychonic sense of time, I’m not convinced monochonic adherence to the clock is necessarily the only “right” way to think about time. There are times when it is necessary, but there are times, as this thread seems to bear out, where it creates much angst where there needn’t be any.
If only ten percent of the people you interact with are usually late, you, too, are curating your friends.
My brother is frequently late. To his credit if it’s something critical like a show start time he can usually manage to – barely – make it on time but for something like a meet-up for lunch he can be upwards of forty-five minutes late. He found an app, Glympse, so now at least I know where he is. If I’m closer to the spot where we’re meeting and I can see he hasn’t even left yet, I’ll adjust my depart time accordingly.
Once before Glympse we were to meet at a movie theater in the local mega-mall, the last showing of the day. I arrived about twenty minutes before showtime and, as expected, he wasn’t there. No big deal – the movie isn’t likely to sell out and if he’s late for the show I’ll just by my ticket and let him worry about where I am in a dark theater.
Then after about ten minutes I get to thinking. It’s the last show of the day. That means when it gets out the mall will be closed and the only doors you can get out without tripping an alarm are these here by the theater. I came in those doors fifty yards away but they’ll be locked and it’s a half mile walk around the outside of the mall to get to the car.
So, I walked out and drove the car around, closer to the doors I would be using. I walked back in about five minutes before show time and there was brother. “Where were you? You’re never late!”
“Now you know how it feels, bro,” then I explained what was up. He was closer to on time for a while after that.
Maybe you should consider the possibility that people posting in a thread doesn’t give you the right to expect them to discuss their medical history in order to satisfy your idle curiosity.
And the bit you thought “nobody said anything like” was actually an almost direct quote from…you! 
My brother-in-law sometimes says he’s coming to my house to fix something. We’ve usually arranged this a couple weeks in advance, with me giving a follow-up phone call the day before to make sure he’s still planning to come and at what time. He’s retired, but he plans this on the weekends. I work, so my weekends are my only time to get things done. The time will come when he said he’d come - he doesn’t show. An hour later and I call, and he’s “running late”. Then another 2 hours and he’s not going to make it after all. Basically wasting my entire Saturday. I appreciate the help, really I do, but not so much when it may take 3 tries for him to actually come out.
StG
@Saint_Cad, I also get incredibly frustrated when people agree on a time and don’t stick to it, BUT… over the years, I’ve come to realize a few things that have improved the situation for me:
- as others have pointed out here, it is incredibly difficult for the “punctually-challenged” to be on time, and therefore…
- it’s usually not meant as a slap in the face to me (ie, it’s not that they are being rude/indifferent), so even though it still upsets me whenever someone is late, I don’t take it as personally as I used to;
- in addition to those who habitually try to be on time, fail, and apologize for it (which, IMO, is more forgivable), there are a few of a different type who are more narcissistic, who show up late because they honestly consider themselves and their needs more important than ours, AND (here’s the mind-blower)…
- even the narcissists can’t help it! They are just as controlled by their neural wiring as the rest of us! BUT…
- I can still get just as frustrated when they’re late, because that’s MY neural wiring! Therefore…
- though it helps somewhat to understand that the punctually-challenged can’t help it, what I have found works best for me is to realize they will always be late and not to rely on them. Meaning, I “curate my friends” as someone here said. Five to ten minutes late, no problem. People who are late, but considerate enough to text me their updated arrival time–and stick to it–no problem. But those who are consistently 45 minutes-to-an hour late, I have cut out of my life.
I realize your situation is different, because the habitually-late person is your wife. I’m lucky because my wife is punctual, but let me just say, I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. If I may be so bold as to offer you unsolicited advice:
This may not be a situation that is easy to change. I strongly urge you to seek assistance…either a marriage counselor, or a couple’s therapist, or some other expert in the “caring professions.” The reasons I think this can help are:
a) your wife needs to understand your POV…it may be easier for her to hear you with the help of an objective third-party to guide her;
b) you need to understand your wife’s POV (as you yourself said in your OP, you want to understand her thought process);
c) in addition to helping with communication, the therapist can potentially help the two of you establish ground rules, manage expectations, and monitor your progress as a couple dealing with this issue.
It is my hope for you that the situation improves over time, things get easier, and you both end up getting along better and feeling more love for each other in the resulting…“space of relief” (for lack of a better term that escapes me at the moment).
Whatever you end up doing, or not doing, I sincerely wish you the best!
I agree with this!
A few people have mentioned using the ploy of telling habitually late people an earlier time than when you really plan of doing something. In other words “We need to leave at eight. Joe is always late. So I’ll tell Joe we need to leave at seven thirty. He’ll be a half hour late as usual and be ready at eight. So we’ll actually be leaving on time. Brilliant!”
Joe is probably not an idiot. He’s going to figure this out pretty quickly. He’s thinking “I don’t actually have to be there at seven thirty. He always tells me to be ready thirty minutes early. So if I get there at eight, I’ll be on time.”
Then you move it back to 7. 