Maybe passive aggression IS a kind of executive function deficit. It’s one way of trying to take some control of the situation due to poor time management, but not a very effective way. Unless everyone indulges this person.
I was thinking of someone in my own family, who has spent her whole adult life promising to do things and be places and then doesn’t do those things or show up – or shows up after her appearance would be at all useful – and refuses to acknowledge it is about her towering resentment towards most members of the family. It took a massive event for me to realize that she would knife me in the back (figuratively, I still assume) and walk away if she ever had the chance – and then sincerely believe she hadn’t done it. She is actually a fine person in many ways, just has the denial machine going nonstop.
The regularity of showing up at the restaurant exactly when it would cause the most disruption is reminiscent.
I can relate. Sounds like something that may not really be in her control. I would just never want to count on her for something important. Sounds like she’s not equipped to handle it, as much as she wishes she were.
My belief about my family member is that as long as she refuses to acknowledge the damage she has caused, she’ll continue to cause as much as she’s able. She’s what they call a piece of work.
And those “reasons” are really not true. We all have our own issues so I try not to throw stones, but we can also be realistic about our shortcomings and motivations.
Yeah, that’s not being chronically late. That’s something else. I’d just go home, unless i really wanted to spend the time with her, and didn’t have anything else planned (like waking up on time the next day.)
I would find a new job working with people who aren’t assholes. And I’d start looking the first time someone wrote me up for being five minutes late. And I’d whine to anyone who would listen about what an incredible asshole my boss was.
I mean, if my job was extremely time sensitive, … well, i probably wouldn’t have taken that job to begin with, but if it were, I’d just be routinely early. But in fact, i have always been able to leave a nice comfortable buffer between “when i start work” and “when my first meeting with others is” so it really doesn’t matter to anyone else when i arrive.
And when i used to take the NYC subway to work, if the first train that came by was uncomfortably crowded, i would wait for the next one. Reminding myself that it didn’t matter, because no one would care if i showed up in the office 15 minutes late. And they didn’t.
I think it’s a different skill, though. I say that because I’m pretty good at keeping meetings on schedule, and routinely finish the agenda and end the meeting a bit early when i run meetings. If it’s my job to run the meeting, i do spend a chunk of my energy watching the clock. That’s easier to do while running a meeting than it is while immersed in excel, which is most of my job.
So a boss is an ahole for expecting you to show up on time?
Depends on the job. My boss would be an asshole for writing me up for being 5 minutes late - but I’m not responsible for opening up the building or answering the phones at the start of business hours or relieving someone who can’t leave until I get there. And I fairly often end up staying five minutes or more past “quitting time” or answering calls outside of business hours , so if she wants to write me up for being 5 minutes late, she’ll have to get accustomed to me ending conversations with her at 4:30 and not answering the phone outside of business hours. The receptionist who’s routinely a half-hour or more late is another story
And I’m a person who usually is on time - but that’s not always the point.
I’m sorry but it is a type of being chronically late. Let’s not do a No True Scotsman where the only people labeled chronically late have a narrow definition that happens to coincide with more acceptable reasons.
This maybe chronically late because of anger issues, or being passive aggressive or such, but for the people affected, they’re dealing with someone they can’t trust to show up in time.
For my job, where it makes exactly no difference whether I start working at 7 or at 8:50? Where my deadlines are measured in days, not minutes, and I’m happy to stay late to make sure work gets done? Yes, absolutely.
I recognize there are other kinds of jobs. I even mentioned that in the post you quoted. But for my job? Yes, that boss would be some sort of micromanager with anger issues, and probably toxic in other ways, and is absolutely an asshole.
It’s an extreme outlier of “chronically late”, with several unusual features, including always showing up the same amount late. Call it what you like.
Someone who rarely shows up on time and can be counted on to rarely show up on time seems like the textbook definition of “chronically” late.
I have a sibling like that, who I described earlier. The ways we had to twist ourselves around to either accommodate/prevent her lateness or deal with the aftermath of her chronic lateness was beyond frustrating. It was a mixture of some of many of the justifications and explanations people have listed, plus a topping of control and passive aggressiveness.
I can imagine not wanting to be grouped together with someone like them, but bottom line, she was chronically late for everything, so it fits.
Yes, this is why nurses who are chronically late for their shifts are disciplined and often fired at the hospital where my sister worked. For one thing, the nurses finishing a shift have to “give report” to the oncoming shift and can’t leave until the next person is there.
I’ve had factory jobs where one late person could hold up the whole line. If you were late, you got written up, and would be penalized after a few of them.
Not to change the subject (and for the record I always leave 15-20 minutes early for an appointment, in case something comes up–which it seldom does), but I wonder how many of you have read the Harlan Ellison story “Repent Harlequin, Said the Ticktockman”? It seems to cover much of the argument here, and while Ellison writes from a ‘pro-late’ point of view, it still is pretty thought-provoking, IMHO. Especially the tyranny of time…if we should let it.
Google the story name–there are many .pdf copies available on-line and the story is rather short.
Press on.
Reminds me of an old (1973) bibliography I bought back in the day from The Change of Hobbit bookstore. It has a cool illustration from the Ticktockman story.
Lack of sleep could be a reason.
There’s one kid who’s in several of my classes who is always at least 5 minutes late (though it is usually more). For background, my school uses a system that integrates both in-person and virtual learning at once (this particular kid was virtual). The reason he’s always late is that he always plays video games until 6 in the morning, so he’s always falling asleep throughout the day.
I’m never late, though. 
Yeah, pretty sweet.