So you curl your hair, put on make-up, paint your fingernails and match your shoes to your purse before leaving the house? 
If you are an equal in your parenting then kudos to you, you are a prince among men. But there are any number of studies out there showing that women do the majority of parenting and house care duties, regardless of their mutual career demands.
Maybe, but the point remains that I did that when we had kids in the house and still managed to have myself (and the kids) ready on time so is it really an reason as to why people are late or just an excuse?
It’s not true in my house either. Are you telling me I’m not a woman because I never do those things just before leaving the house? Because if I polish my nails Thursday night, it won’t make me late Saturday night. If I blow-dry my hair at 6:15 AM, it doesn’t cause me to be late leaving home at 8 am for work. On the other hand, my husband has an annoying habit of getting into the shower 30 minutes before we are supposed to leave to go out and he can’t fit in a shower, shaving, deciding what to wear and getting dressed before we are supposed to leave.
Now you are just twisting my words in ridiculous ways.
I feel there are a few people here who actually came to try and understand. But the majority are just looking for a target at which to spatter a lifetime supply of indignation and judgement they were too polite to sneer out in person.
Whatever. I have done my part for mutual understanding. The self-righteous have had their moment on the soap box. And I hope the sincere have been given some insight into their honest query. I’m out.
You’re the one who said
- Women often simply have 100 more things to take care of in a day than men do. From hair to make-up to finding the right shoes for an outfit to getting the kids out the door, all these tiny things add up and none of them are really eligible to be skipped. You take care of them all as they hit without realizing that the 100 10-second fixes have now made you 15 minutes late.
Perhaps if you meant that you choose do all those things just before leaving and you don’t think they are eligible to be skipped, you should have said that. I did all the “getting kids ready” in my house and the three of us were still always waiting for my husband - who had less to do than I did but always waited too long to start.
When my daughter was little it was only us two. I did absolutely everything that got done, with no back-up whatsoever, and worked a 60 hour week. I drew the line at a minimum of four hours sleep for myself, and everything else fit in where it could with her needs first on the priority list. But you do you. I’m sorry about your husband.
Are you late even if you don’t have to get everyone ready? Those are the people the OP is about.
Wow, this thread makes me thankful that Ms. P’s dillydallying isn’t a huge issue in our marriage. She openly admits to dawdling, which is what she calls dillydallying.
You sure have.
Then please don’t extrapolate it to all women, if you’re talking about your specific situation. Plus, not every woman does all the make up and hair stuff each morning, so it’s just not a great generalization.
For what it’s worth, I spent a year as a single mom while my spouse worked long distance. It was incredibly hard, but my strategy was to leave as little as possible to the next morning. Similar approach to what @TokyoBayer described up thread- it made such a huge difference and the 30 minutes at night were much less intrusive than 30 minutes at 6 am.
I bet her husband has exactly the same amount of indignation at being considered bone idle as you do.
We’re throwing around a lot of terms like executive function disorder, and I think we need to talk about what that really means. I’m no expert, but I had many students who had ADD/ADHD and/or executive dysfunction. (Most people with ADD/ADHD have exec dysfunction.) I had to learn about it to help them learn.
Executive function isn’t something we’re born with. It develops sequentially and over time. Disorders like ADD/ADHD and some learning disabilities can interfere with its development. (And some people just have weaker executive function than others.)
There are strategies that allow people with those disorders to be punctual most of the time, and I don’t think it’s fair to make it seem like punctuality is an insurmountable obstacle. However, I wish people would understand what a constant struggle it is, and how exhausting.
Time blindness is only one factor in executive dysfunction and punctuality. Many people with executive dysfunction struggle with organization, so they frequently misplace things. They may have trouble connecting actions to achieve a goal. They often have difficulty with self-motivation. All these things make it hard to be punctual.
I’m not saying everyone who’s chronically late has executive dysfunction. I used to be that way, and I don’t have it. I won’t go into what changed, as I don’t want it to be taken as prescriptive. My issue was that I hated the tedium of getting ready so much that whatever I was doing, even lying in bed, seemed unbearably hard to stop. I started getting ready at the last possible minute, telling myself if I got out the door in 20 minutes last time (forgetting it was really 27), I could do so in 18 this time. Hey, 18 minutes of tedium is way better than 30! The same applied to doing tasks. Nagging or recriminations only made me feel aggrieved and resentful. It was really pretty miserable, and I’m grateful I was able to change. Not everyone can.
I also have had to help students who suck at executive functions, which is ironic considering my own struggles with them. OTOH, maybe because I had to learn as an adult then I’m more sympathetic.
A couple of books which really helped me understand the concepts are Late, Lost, and Unprepared: A Parent’s Guide to Helping Children with Executive Functioning and The Myth of Laziness. I don’t remember all of the specifics, but it helped me to threat the problem as the child needing to learn specific skills rather than as moral failures.
Thank you for this cogent post.
There is a clear division in this thread which dare I say is analogous to other divides in our culture. What I observe is that on one side is a plea for empathy FOR others. On the other side is a need for respect FROM others.
And never the twain shall understand each other.
Tolstoy. It’s the first line from Anna Karenina.
I think I must have been that way as a child. That was a long time ago, but if memory serves, I was not particularly good at getting ready to go (e.g. to school). I also hated the tedium of getting ready; I was easily distracted (by the TV, a book, a toy); I was disorganized (often couldn’t find one of my shoes, for example).
All of these I have long since grown out of, and all of them, I believe, were symptoms of the not-fully-developed executive function that is a normal part of being a child.
I think that’s a rather pessimistic view. We all have the ability to understand each other better. As I mentioned above, I’m a punctual person, and consistent lateness does annoy me, but I’ve adjusted such that it bothers me less. Presumably, these late friends are friends for a reason, and their shortcomings in punctuality are made up for by all the other great qualities I admire about them – that’s why they’re my friends. I’m sure there’s plenty of shitty, annoying things that I do, and I hope they are similarly forgiving or tolerant of my own shortcomings. Similarly, I do hope – and they do seem – to try their best to keep to their promises. I don’t think any of them is unaware that lateness is annoying to many. If ever comes a time that I’ve had enough, well, I can just drop them as friends, but I’ve never found a friend for whom this is a dealbreaker to me. If it is for others (and it is), that’s fine. I just think there is ability for both sides to soften and be more understanding of the other. (Though some mentioned in this thread do, I admit, seem to be lost causes.)
I would be interested in hearing the details, if you’re willing to share.
I think the one side versus the other side language isn’t helpful or accurate.
Personally, I’m not seeing a lot of empathy for how lateness makes the punctual feel, the anxiety it produces, or acknowledgment of the work many punctual people put in to be on time- it doesn’t come naturally to everyone and that the folks who are chronically late may not realize how they benefit from the work the punctual do.
The quote up thread, riffing on Anna Karenina quote is also not accurate. People are punctual for many different reasons (both from emotionally healthy and emotionally challenging places) and have many different ways of achieving punctuality.
I don’t see “one side” has having any greater moral high ground, empathy, or understanding than “the other”.
