Why aren't good sex and companionship enough?

[Dangerosa]

@Rubystreak

What usually happens in these casual things is one of two things. First option: someone stops being casual. It’s hard not to get attached to someone you have sex with regularly, esp. if you do friendship things as well. It begins simulating a love relationship, so people start to feel (or think they feel) love. Then people get hurt.

Second option: One party never really WAS casual, just went along with the arrangement, hoping that the other person comes around. They think the other person will fall in love with them over time, ala Scenario 1. And it does happen sometimes, I just think it’s a little dishonest to agree to a casual relationship when you are secretly angling for more, not to mention that you’re asking for pain.

Third and fourth options…it isn’t sustained over the long term because there is nothing really keeping it there. Casual sex - gee, that one is tough for an attractive woman to fill that void. Friendship - I’ve got my girlfriends, thaks. So you are giving me a friendship that is lower caliber than most of mine, and sex I can get anywhere - that isn’t much to keep me coming back.

Or, both people want more and the relationship changes.

Fifth option, it works. I’ve never seen it work for more than a few months, but I don’t doubt it has worked.

[Monstera_deliciosa]

@CanvasShoes

I didn’t imply that your feelings weren’t genuine. I have no doubt that you both felt friendship and affection. Where did you get the idea that I thought you hadn’t?

What I flat out stated,was that he didn’t feel the same way you stated you did in the beginning. That is, that it was fine and “footloose and fancy free”. If he had, in my opinion, he wouldn’t have “fallen for you” it would have then been a sustainable relationship of the casual sort.

The OP was asking about a sustainable example. Three years with it waning due to exactly the reasons stated by other posters that these sorts of things don’t generally last (and I made no connotations good or bad on the ending of your relationship with GF), is not what I’d consider a “sustainable” example of the sort of relationship he’d posted about.

No, no quite. What I said in my first post was:

It basically ended because of some of GF’s personal issues. (I think **one **of those issues might have been that he fell for me more than he intended, and it was too much for him.)

words newly bolded for emphasis

I said that his feelings might have been one of the issues, not the only or defining issue. I am not going to say what the other factors were, because I don’t feel right about revealing them, because of the possibility, however slight, of someone recognizing him. The relationship was public, other aspects of his personal life are not.

I am obviously not going to change your opinion about how GF felt , or what he was after in the relationship. I will just tell you that your interpretation, however much sense it makes to you, is wrong, and leave it at that.

As far as I am concerned, three years is a good run for such a relationship. No one said that the relationship needed to be sustainable forever, just that it work well for both parties. I am of the opinion that it did. Your mileage apparently varies.

[Monstera_deliciosa]

@KayElCee

As far as I am concerned, three years is a good run for such a relationship. No one said that the relationship needed to be sustainable forever, just that it work well for both parties. I am of the opinion that it did. Your mileage apparently varies.

Damn, missed the “edit” time window. I wanted add that some marriages, where the parties are in love and feel committed to one another, do not last three years, so I do think that my relationship qualifies as sustainable.

[Anomalous_Reading]

This page seems to hit some of the themes…

[Nava]

Well, if it’s “we see each other once a month and fuck” then that’s not what I want. But “we live together, like many of the same things and the sex is good”? What’s low-key about that?

If the question is “why should there be diamonds and red hearts involved” then sorry, this chick’s from Mars.

Let’s just say we’re talking about a exclusive or semi-exclusive dating and sexual relationship where people get together once or twice a week to go to dinner, see a show, and spend the night together, but other than that they live separate lives. Why does this have to be seen as such a second class relationship in people’s (especially women’s) minds?

Not enough companionship and I’d never expect him to be of any help if I need it. Heck, my mother would probably be more help than a guy like that, if push came to hospital.

[nevermore]

The relationship you describe is only second-class to people who’ve felt the “fireworks” thing before.

I have no problems being in a casual relationship and enjoying it for what it’s worth; however, if someone with whom I really, truly connect comes along while I’m in such a relationship, there’s no question which one will win out. The casual relationship offers me some valuable things, but the deep-connection one has all of that plus warm, icky life-affirming relationship goo.

To me it’s just a matter of common sense. It’s nice to have the Camry, but why keep driving the Camry when you’re offered the Aston Martin?