Sex with someone you love... kinda.

Back in high school, I met this girl, and we wound up in the opposite of the realationship I usually end up in… she adored me, but I just wasn’t attracted to her, but liked her as a friend. She wound up in abunch of crappy relationships, and eventually wound up with this guy that beat her within an inch of her life. Luckily she left him, and right now she doesn’t want a relationship. I, on the other hand, do want a relationship, but she still really isn’t the kind of girl I’d want to date.
We were ditting around talking along with another friend of mine, and the subject of sexual mores came up. It was proposed that we’d have a much more relaxed society if we could approach anyone for sex and they could just say yes or no and it would be no big thing. (Much akin to Jello Biafra’s speech on “I Blow Minds For A Living”) It then led to how we should be able to ask friends for sex and have it not be a big deal. Well… she took me up on it, and I went along with it. It was done with me openly saying I had no interest in a LTR, or even a romantic relationship. She understood, and was still willing, so we had fun, and have been every once in a while since.

Now, when I tell people this, I usually get a negative response. Either that I’m cheapening sex by having it with someone I don’t love (I do love her, but as a friend), or that I’m giving her false hope and will be crushing her when I leave. There’s also the fact that she won’t be looking for anything better while I’m around.

To me it’s no big thing. I prefer sex with someone I am truely in love with, but I don’t hold it terribly sacred. I’m not breaking any of my own mores unless it hurts her, which it doesn’t seem to be. Our friendship has been unaffected, so all in all, it makes her happy; it’s a good thing.

So what’s your collecive opinion? Am I a heartless slut bastard that’s going straight to hell, simply misguided, or doing something nice for a friend in need? Can friends have sex and not screw up their relationship, or is this going to kill off one of my longest running friendships?
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

In theory, if you both agree that your’re having sex as “just friends,” it shouldn’t be a problem. In theory.

In practice, one or the other of you may find it doesn’t work that way, even if you both agree to it up front.

Best of luck (and congratulations, I guess :wink: ). But don’t be surprised if it all blows up, inspite of both of your best intentions.

And be sure to report back here. It’d be interesting if you were able to observe how it all happens (hard when you’re in the middle of it, I know).

It is too clear, and so it is hard to see.

If you are certain that she is going into this without illusions or hopes that it will lead to more (Yes, I know you told her; that isn’t the same thing. Unrequited love has a remarkable capacity for self-deception.) then, no, you are not doing anything wrong and it will not necessarily lead to the end of a good friendship. However, if you know/suspect/believe that she really is still carrying the torch for you, then you are using her emotional vulnerability to satisfy your physical needs. Only you can answer those questions.

Even in the best case, however, you are playing with fire. Now, that can be fun, exciting and keep you warm at night. It can also get you burned. the problem is, it is very difficult for most people to maintain an intimate physical relatinship without stirring the emotional embers. I had one pair of friends who did the occasional platonic sex thing for years. It seemed stable. They both raved about the sex. Neither one wanted a deeper emotional involvement. Then he fell in love with someone else. He decided that he could not continue with the casual sex since it would be unfair to his new love. She decided this was a personal betrayal and has not spoken to him (or nicely about him) since. A friendship of more than 15 years bit the dust.

but hey, some like it hot.

The best lack all conviction
The worst are full of passionate intensity.

Your treatment of her was very decent. Maybe from you she can learn what she wants/needs in a ltr…

There IS such a thing as casualsex, and it can be very useful.
Kelli (who thinks MadPoet is a little sweetie)

I don’t know. I guess it depends on how you guys handle it and how future partners of each of yours handle it.

Let’s say that at some point down the road, you met a really nice girl and you guys start dating and get serious. Now, you and this friend have had no problem with your past relationship, and you have no problem telling this new love.

Now, this new love may wonder any time you talk of this friend or go somewhere with this friend are you guys having sex again. Or maybe she will not. Maybe it will not matter to her. Maybe she would wonder even if you guys had never had sex.

What if this friend develops an emotional attachment to you or you to her? Then the non-attached one leaves for a new relationship what happens to the friendship?

Even if we think that sex is no big deal, we humans tend to have certain actions that evoke certain emotions. Conversation creates meaningful relationships (hopefully) and is usually acceptable to maintain when in a new relationship. Physical contact is often a higher level and less acceptable in another relationship. Sex is among the highest of levels.

Now imagine you are in a new relationship. Your new girlfriend is concerned about your having a female friend. You tell her it is no big deal. Maybe she says OK. Now if you are having sex with this girl now to help her feel better, why should you stop when you are in a new relationship? What will your girlfriend think about you having sex with this friend?

I do not personally think it is a good idea to try to help someone feel better by giving them something artificial and temporary. That is what you are doing with the sex. She feels better when she feels loved and apparently part of that is during and after sex. If you are not there anymore then what? Who will give her that love? Will she turn to another bad relationship?

I am not condeming you. I am also not saying that you are going to screw this girl up (no pun intended). I am just saying that human feelings are often more fragile than we realize.


I dont see anything wrong with it as long as you are honest with each other. If your friendship is strong enough it shouldnt be a problem.

I am me… accept it or not.

MadPoet - Remember how, in the “Mundane December” thread, I said I wanted your life? I’d just like to reiterate that thought.

Well, the couple of times I tried that (casual sex with a friend), it didn’t work out well. I’d say that, while it’s possible, in most cases it ends up with someone’s feelings being hurt. In your case, with you saying that your friend “adored” you in high school, I’m seeing trouble ahead.

I don’t see how you could be blamed, since you were upfront and honest with her.

La franchise ne consiste pas à dire tout ce que l’on pense, mais à penser tout ce que l’on dit.
H. de Livry

To piggyback on the Poet, how many of you are envious?
(I’ll take GBS any day.)

I know exactly how you feel madpoet. Got the same thing happening in my life.

“Only when he no longer knows what he is doing, does the painter do good
things.” --Edgar Degas

The sex itself is nothing, just rubbing some skin cells, it’s the emotional box it opens that is the issue.

If you want stoic sex, well, fine.

Just about everyone I know has had a “buddy fuck” noo and again. A few are even repeat customers.

It was said, but I’ll repeat it - As long as everyone is honest with each other, especially if emotions do come into play, go for it!

Side note: A few people intone (not necessarily above) that they wouldn’t even want to have sex without love or some other similar bond. Bullshit. The body craves it. It feels good. Almost every human jerks off for this reason.

Do what you want, just make sure you don’t lie to get any, and be safe when you do. If you can handle the emotional part okay while obeying those simple rules, have all the “loveless” sex you want.

Yer pal,

Poet, are you SURE you’re not that old lover of mine? He was a poet, too . . . .

All I can tell you is been there, done that, got the scars. From being in her position, I mean. I’m gonna bet she’s still in love with you, or think she is, and that she is indeed hoping that eventually you are going to wake up and realize what you’re missing if you let her walk out of your life. Oh yeah, I got those scars.

A buddy fuck is one thing, but it’s something quite different when one person wants something more than the other one does emotionally, and is willing to hang around hoping that it will click eventually.

Still hurting after all these years

No condemnations here.

Many good comments above, but I must drag out one of my fave expressions:

All things being equal, all things are never equal.

What I mean is that the only sex that is “just sex” is the kind that is a business transaction.

And even then, there are some emotional things going on, no doubt.

Melin, that’s when the honesty comes in.

If one person expects more out of it, or emotions come into play, talking about it will cause a resolution to come to both parties on the subject.

But if someone starts feeling something and doesn’t tell their partner/friend, that is where the problem is.

As I said, desire for sex is natural. But if having sex with this person is unhealthy to either party, don’t do it. If you’re both okay with it, do it.

The only way to knoow for sure is to talk about it.

Yer pal,

Darn it, I read this thread thinking I’d be getting sex with someone I love. Now where is it!

tracer, would it matter? No two people here can describe what ‘love’ is in the same way.
Also, how long does it take to love someone?

Plus, think about this. It was sex with someone you love. Not necessarily someone that loves you.

Frankly, I don’t know which of the two is better for sex. Would one want to have sex with someone they love or someone who loves them? Of course if both love each other that would be most desireable but then that was not the subject.

Interesting topic. My friend of a year and I started having sex about three months ago - we enjoyed a mutual physical attraction that we acted on. All the rules were laid out in advance - either of us could end the intimacy at any time and the friendship would not be affected and that there was no real romatic future for us.

Sounds great? It was. However, I broke off the sexual relationship and BOOM! he broke off the friendship, saying that he could not confide in me with the intimacy gone. So, I lost a great lover (which I was prepared for) and a great friend (which I was NOT prepared for at all).

Don’t kid yourself. Sex changes the nature of the relationship, whether or not love is involved. If you have sex with a friend, you have to be prepared to lose it all.

(my first post, be gentle please!)

Melin, where you aware you aware you wanted more when you agreed to it, or did that come out later. Or did you think “Yeah, I want more, but I can handle it,” and then couldn’t?

I’m wondering after Satan’s response. People don’t necessarily have perfect understanding of their own emotions, so they can try to be as honest as possible, and still be blindsided when they realize they can’t be as emotionally distant as they thought or as they would like to be.

I’ve followed the rule “don’t loan more money than you are willing to never see again.”

Maybe I should add “Don’t fuck any friends you aren’t willing to lose.”

(For me it’s “Don’t fuck any friends, unless I’m willing to lose them, my wife, and my kids.”)

It is too clear, and so it is hard to see.