Does sex ruin friendship?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Some of you may remember my recent question about whether I should send B-Day flowers to a female co-worker who just broke up with her long time BF. Well, we finally went out last Thursday and really had a nice time. We’ve been friends for a while, and just decided to go out dancing. Well, I thought things went really good. When we woke up the next morning she acting all wierd, and I haven’t heard from her since, except for the email that was awaiting me monday morning at work. It basically said that she was going through alot right now and I got the general impression that she was afraid I thought she was slut now.

So, not only have I blown any chance I might have had with this lady, but I have also lost a really good friend. My question is, do y’all think it is possible for friends to have a drunken one night fling without it ruining the friendship?

I always thought it was supposed to be the guys that blew the girls off after a night of wild weasle sex.

“Daddy, was there ever a completely evil time?” - My son after wacthing a medieval movie

2

It’s not a problem for guys, but women seem to have this thing called “guilt”. Also, they tend not to be able to separate the concepts “love” and “sex”.

But the worst is, they will flame EVERY man that tells this ugly truth :wink:

Coldfire

“You know how complex women are”

  • Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
3

It all depends on the person I think, I have been in that situation with a great friend, and it didnt change our friendship at all, if anything, we are more open with each other.

We are, each of us angels with only one wing,and we can only fly by embracing one another

4

“It’s not a problem for guys, but women seem to have this thing called “guilt”. Also, they tend not to be able to separate the concepts “love” and “sex”.”

—What are you talking about, Coldfire? I can’t speak for other women, but the above is sure true for me!

On the other hand, I have kept up friendly relationships with ex-boyfriends. Another question might be, does friendship ruin sex?

5

I was in a relationship with a person that I had known for about 2 years. We went out dancing on a Friday (with the rest of our friends, just like always) and spent that night and that Saturday night together. It was a great weekend and we are still friends today.

I do think that Coldfire is right in saying that women (not all, but some) can’t differentiate between love and sex but there are men that are the same way.

I think you need to tell her what you want from her. Tell her you want to have a relationship with her if that’s what you want. You may also want to tell her that you still respect her and still want to be friends with her. She’s probably just scared that you’re not going to be friends anymore because you had sex together. She’ll come around. It will just take time.

6

It depends on the girl. I had a friendship/sex relationship with a lady for several years. We were friends. We dated who we chose but we also liked each other in the sack. We ended it when she found someone to marry. Now, this lady was a bit progressive because she recognized that women like sex and she certainly did and had no problem with coming over to get her ‘itch’ scratched. Plus, we both knew that the other was clean and disease free. We also both knew that if we had other ‘casual’ partners, protection was used, but due to our work schedules, such encounters were low.

What? Me worry?’

7

Well, I finally heard from her today, and she said that she just has alot things going on in her life right now. She said that she doesn’t even want to be friends, right now…maybe sometime in the future, but not right now.

Now I am cool with that, because I understand that she does have a bunch of shit going on right now, (custody battle, being on her own for the first time) but I am just pissed that she let something as stupid as a roll in the hay ruin a really good friendship.

Oh well, live and learn. I won’t have sex with any of my other female friends.

“Daddy, was there ever a completely evil time?” - My son after wacthing a medieval movie

8

In my state, California, it’s against the law for a man to have sex with a woman who is drunk.

9

A couple of questions: first, what flowers did you send? This was your first date with the lady, correct? You went out dancing, stayed out late, and then you went home with her, or she with you?
A good rule of thumb is not to sleep with anyone until at least a third date (I saw this on Fraiser; it doesn’t necessarily apply to me personally). Apparently it’s too late to apply this, but just remember it for next time.
If you’re really interested in saving the relationship, either as a friendship, romance, or otherwise, take immediate action. Send her an email, give her a call, send a card, or a single flower (not a rose) to say “I’m thinking of you, and how much I enjoyed spending time out with you. I’m sorry if what happened made you uncomfortable or hurt you, as that wasn’t my intention. How about lunch or coffee later?” or something to that effect. Based on her reaction to the waking up together thing, I would not recommend anything remotely like a late-evening date, since she’s skittish.

10

Well in my state, Texas, It’s kind of a prerequisite.

Just kidding…We were both drunk, and she started the whole thing. She knows that I am so shy that a woman has to pretty much throw herself at me before I do anything. (Those were her exact words)

“Daddy, was there ever a completely evil time?” - My son after wacthing a medieval movie

11

NOT a rose ? Explain.

12

GH, I’m sure the lady is embarrassed after hopping into the sack while under the influence. That’s probably not all that’s going on, but I’ll bet it’s a significant component.

It’s probably important to talk it out right away. I realize this will be hard if she’s avoiding you, but you owe it to your friendship to try.

I had a similar experience, only it was online. There was this lady (on, as they say, another chat board) with whom I loved to chat…she was really witty and sarcastic in a way that appealed to my own sardonic nature, and we had a lot of things in common. One night, without warning, we found ourselves engaging in a wild session of cybersex. During the afterglow, she told me that she a) had never cybered before, and b) had been inspired by my half of the conversation to, ah, take matters into her own hands. Wow, I thought (it was my first experience with adult typing, too). Here was this amazing woman who would probably be my best friend if we lived in the same town, and we’ve just had this amazing experience…

But the next time I ran into her online, she was cool and aloof. When I worriedly confronted her about it (thinking I had somehow offended her), she insisted that nothing was wrong, but she acted that way towards me ever after. I tried to rekindle our friendship (and didn’t mention the roll in the cyber-hay again, to her or anyone until now), but without success. Eventually I gave up, bewildered.

It was my first experience with “sex ruining the friendship,” probably because most of my friends would never dream of having sex with me. It still hurts a bit…I mean, how could she not want to keep gabbing with someone as entertaining as ME? grin

I don’t mean to discourage you…if we’d been able to see each other face to face I might have been able to bring her around, either as a lover or a friend. Good luck to you, anyway.

Live a Lush Life
Da Chef

13

With all due respect Chef, that little anecdote of yours has VERY little to do with sex, unless you were typing with one hand.

Coldfire

“You know how complex women are”

  • Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
14

Missdavis102: Well, the bitch of it is, I ordered the flowers a week ago for her B-Day. They aren’t gonna be delivered until tomorrow. :frowning: We have been out together as friends lots of times. This wouldn’t even be considered a date. We just went out with a group of friends. I think it is to late to save the relationship. I have sent her email, and called e couple of times, but I can tell things aren’t the same. The way I look at it is, if she wants to be friends later then cool. If not, then to bad for her. I am a hell of a nice guy, and I really miss the friendship, but I’m not going to sit and stew about it anymore.

I’ve already invested way to much trouble and emotion into this since I new that she had only been broken up about 2 months and she wasn’t real stable yet.

Problem is she is the first women I’ve found that I liked enough to possible have a relationship with since my divorce in Feb.

So I guess the SDMBers think that sex doen’t have to ruin a friendship, I was just unlucky this time…right?

“Daddy, was there ever a completely evil time?” - My son after wacthing a medieval movie

15

I’d say not a rose because a rose is a romantic type flower, as opposed to a friendship/apology type flower. For further reference, see the thread by GreatHouse about “A question for the ladies”.

16

Right. Sorry to hear it isn’t going the way you wanted it to.

17

Oh yeah, I ordered some birthday bouquet. I have a lot of carnations and other over priced flowers, but no roses.

After I found out that she really didn’t want anything to do with me I told her I had ordered her a birthday present and told her it should be delivered tomorrow. I asked that she simply accept it as one friend wishing another friend a happy birthday. I didn’t tell her if was flowers. (It was to late to cancel the order)

“Daddy, was there ever a completely evil time?” - My son after wacthing a medieval movie

18

Damn, I need to learn to proof read before clicking the submit button.

“Daddy, was there ever a completely evil time?” - My son after wacthing a medieval movie

19

Boy is my husband in trouble! :wink:

Count me in the group who thinks that (non-marital) sex does ruin friendships, but I also acknowledge that I am ten to fifteen years older than most of you and that may simply be a product of being raised in the (cough)ties rather than the eighties. We were raised by parents who pre-dated the free love movement of the sixties and taught us that “nice girls” didn’t have sex to someone they weren’t married to, or at least not in love with.

We broke away from that, sure, in our behavior patterns, but there’s still that niggling little thought in the back of our heads that if we sleep with someone we ought to be in love with him (or at least consider being in love with him), and he with us. That makes it difficult to accept a “just friends” relationship with a sex partner, because you either have made yourself think that there is something else there for you (thus allowing you to have sex without guilt) and if it’s not there for him you get hurt, or you’ve come to the realization that there isn’t something else there and you are embarassed about it and do not want to be in this person’s presence and reminded of your behavior anymore.

I didn’t say it made sense, okay? < g >

-Melin

20

Maybe she just feels that you might get more attached than a friendship and she isn’t at a point in her life to go farther than that, and she is trying to protect you. Since she wasn’t of sound mind at the time, maybe she feels she can’t trust herself if the situation arises again. There are a lot of maybes here… If it was me in the situation, I would just talk it out. Lot’s of friendships go by the wayside because people didn’t bother to talk about what happened/bothered them. If she is that good of a person, a little uncomfortable conversation is worth the effort.

I really try to be good but it just isn’t in my nature!