Let me get this straight; you’ve got this, and you want to start doing *that[/], and you dont’t think the other thing will eventually creep in and destroy the this and that?
TT
“Believe those who seek the truth.
Doubt those who find it.” --Andre Gide
When I was a whorish teenage Melatonin, casual sex with friends was no problem. At least not for me. Some of the guys may have had a problem with it. (But you know how emotional, needy, and attached young men can be.)
As I’ve gotten a little older, though, I’ve come to find that casual sex with friends is no longer something that can work for me, personally. Dunno why/how things have changed for me, but I’ve given it enough shots to find out that I damn well better not give it anymore shots. . .
At any rate, that’s just my experience. I can’t say that it won’t work out for you, and certainly don’t think that anyone has the right to pass harsh judgements on you, especially since you claim no one is being sneaky about it.
I’ll just say this: just because you are being honest and open, and believe that she is being honest and open, does NOT mean that there aren’t some strong feelings lingering beneath the surface, just waiting to be crushed, garbage-compacted, and draino’d. Regardless of anyone’s ‘intentions.’
But then again, congratulations on getting some.
“There is nothing you ought to do, for the simple reason that you know nothing, nothing whatever- make a mental note of that, if you please.”
-V. Nabokov
Gosh, I opened up this post thinking I’d have some ground-breakingly profound things to add to the conversation. I keep getting surprised by the intelligence and maturity of a lot of the posters here.
As per the sex with/without love question, sex is one of those activities that is enhanced by every level of the brain. The most beneficial, of course, is the physical attraction. I’ve had many female friends who were interested in me who I couldn’t have had a physical relationship with because the pheromones didn’t mesh. Next most beneficial is the emotional level, which, besides adding a je ne sais qu’oi-esque extra energy to it, also provides each party with a reason to see to each other’s needs as well as their own. Intellectual connection is also useful, and becomes moreso as people talk. Knowing what spots to hit before you go in can be vital.
Not to be redundant, but openness and honesty are the most important things in most any aspect of a relationship. Everyone wants an honest partner. It’s the truth, not the honesty, that they may not like. (This comment brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department.)
I, myself, have nothing against casual sex. However, not only do I believe that you shouldn’t just go out and pounce the first person you find, but sex as a distraction from previous relationship problems is hard pressed to help anything. It’s too often that someone out of a relationship seeks solace in the arms of another and ends up trying to use him/her as a replacement. They end up rushing into a relationship, usually without either talking about what they want out of it. A person should know what they want, and make sure everyone else does too.
Then again, I also believe in polygamy, so that throws the whole system out of whack. Oh, well. Who wants pizza?
-BrainWeasel
Squeaks from BrainWeasel’s Cage
http://brainweasel.home.att.net
I have to agree with Zenbeam; you can’t trust the girl to say what she really feels because it is very likely that she, herself, dosn’t know.
I just don’t see loveless sex as being so much better than masterbation that it would be worth risking a friendship over. What your left hand can not provide, however, is snuggling, which is what she probably really wants, and something that you can provide without building up expectations that she won’t even admit to herself that she has.
I think sex with friends works well. If you have friends who are getting enough sex that they don’t mistake it for love.
As for people saying that sex without love is empty, I think they’re stuck in a black and white world. I’m closer to many of my friends (the ones I’m sexual with and the ones I’m not) than many people I know are to their spouses.
Also, sex isn’t better with someone you love, the cuddling and emotional security most people get exclusively with sex, are better with someone you love. I can state absolutely that sex is better with someone who is very sexual and willing to please. If you’re feeling lonely or unloved, you’ll get more of what you need from a snuggle with someone you love and depend on that sex with that person.
The people I know who would have a problem with casual sex are the ones who equate sex with intimacy (they are not the same, but are not exclusive either) in such a way that they can’t imagine one without the other. The other group who can’t handle casual sex are the near virgins who can’t get sex, to offer them sex is like offering a starving man food, and will come with a lot of baggage.
I’ve had good luck with sexual relations with both exes and friends who were on the rebound when I was. In both cases a relationship wasn’t what we were looking for, but we were compatible in other ways.
A pitfall though is only considering your ability to tell sex and love and relationship readiness apart. You also need to consider if your partner can. You aren’t responsible for someone else’s actions, but you’re going to feel the result of them.
Interesting. Melatonin found herself (?) less inclined to have casual affairs as she got older, I find the reverse. Maybe it’s because I was more emotionally needy when I was young. Certainly it’s because as I’ve gotten older I’ve been more able to determine what I feel and what I need than when I was young. (When I was young the answer to what I needed was ‘sex’, but what I felt was different every day of the week.)
Oh well, enough rambling.
P.S. I wish this editing window was larger, it’d help the continuity of long posts. Feels like using Magic Window on my Apple //+.