sex with friends-yay or nay?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m not sure if this is the right place for this, but hey, move it if you must!

Has anyone ever had a sexual relationship with a friend that didn’t end in hell? One of my best friends (I’ll leave out his name to protect those involved!!) and I have flirted mindlessly for almost a year now. We’ve shared everything from secrets to porn pictures. And supposedly, when I go back to Florida to visit, we’re hooking up. Until now, it’s been almost like a game for us to flirt, and I didn’t really think much of it. But now that it’s almost happening, I’m beginning to think maybe it’s not the best idea. He means a lot to me, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship. But at the same time, he’d be a great fuck! We agreed that it wouldn’t mean anything and that it’d just be casual sex, but will this probably end in the death of our friendship anyways?

2

Well, it will be either the death of a friendship of the beginning of an altogether new relationship. I would say if he means this much to you, unless you are interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, don’t have sex. I’ve had plenty of one nighters with friends (and strangers for that matter) and they ALL meant something. And though i’ve not nessecarily become attatched to them long term, i cannot say that has been mutual. This is true especially if you are that close to begin with. Then you have to distance yourself from them just to get them to leave you alone. Death of a friendship…

On the other hand, if you are best friends first, that can make for a wonderful romantic relationship long term (actually, the best kind in my opinion)! You actually care about one another, it’s not just about the sex. So maybe you should both talk it over first, bearing all that in mind. I’m not saying casual sex is bad at all, but only with people who you don’t care about one way or the other (may sound cold, but hey that’s just my opinion) so you can leave rather painlessly if you tire of the relationship.

BUT… just remember that no matter what you tell yourselves, it WILL mean something, to at least one of you on some level. What if then he won’t leave you alone and you don’t want to pursue a romantic relationship, or vice versa? Then your friendship is over. If he means that much to you, THINK THIS OVER FIRST, and for hell’s sake talk this over with him. You might be surprised to find those deeper feelings are already there…
Dani
@>-}------

3

friend a: started out as kind-of friends (we lived on the same hall), and became friends with benefits. the regular
‘friendship’ part of the relationship progressed as the hooking up part did, until eventually i started liking him. he didn’t like me. then he liked me, but i didn’t like him. then we stopped hooking up but remained friends (it was a big long complicated thing), and lately we started up with benefits again (old habits die hard, i guess).

on the one hand, it definitly did cause some problems; on the other hand, it was basically a sure thing any day of the week.

friend b: started out regular friends, had a short stint as friends with benefits. decided not to pursue a relationship, and are still great friends. it is really a good relationship, because there is no sexual tension - we know that if we want to hook up, we could, and it really would just be physical.
so i guess what the point is, is that it all depends on the people. some people really can hook up and keep it platonic, while other people cant. and then there are the people who say they can and keep their feelings to themselves, but that is a whole other thing.

in any case, good luck : )

4

Good luck with it. I’ll offer some advice though: make sure you and your Ummfriend* are both coming from the same perspective. They key to succesful Umfriendship is honesty.

If you both are treating it openly and honestly with similar - if not same - expectations, then you’ll have a wonderful thing.

And before people start scoffing and suggesting it’ll ruin the frienship let me snort disdainfully snorts disdainfully If anything Umfriends (and you need to be honest to get there remember) are even closer. You have nothing to hide.

And I’d like to second a ChiefScott sentiment: Umfriends not only provide outlets, but a valuable source of information and education.

vive les ummfriends*

Our previous conversations on the subject may be worth perusing:

sex and ummfriends info
friends with benefits

more:
yes? No?
*Ummfriends are called ummfriend cos you’re a sexual relationship without actually being in a relationship. Therefore introducing them so often comes out as “this is Julie, my… um… friend”

5

I often wondered about that phrase “friends with benefits”, since it was in that Alanis Morissette song “Head Over Feet”. Yeah, I inferred the meaning, but I also thought about health insurance. :slight_smile:

(hijack)
Notice on Morissette’s “Jagged Little Pill” album how negative the songs are? Even “Head Over Feet”, about her finding love with a best friend, she has to say “it’s all your fault”, albeit ironically. (How 'bout that? A song on that album with an ironic phrase is not in the song “Ironic”.)

6

The irony is that Alanis Morrisette does not undestand the meaning of the word irony.

Getting stuck in traffic when you’re already late is just unfortunate unless you’re a city planner on a way to a meeting to discuss traffic congestion… that would be ironic.

Winning the lottery and dying the next day wouldn’t be ironic, it would just f’n suck.

Now, sex with friends… Lola is my best friend and yes we have sex. It works for us. Now… my other best friend is Murray and although he is good looking, witty, and an all around nice guy I can’t see it happening. It would definately change our relationship.

7

My fiancee and I started out as friends. I knew her for three years in college and we were very good friends. We both ended up moving to the D.C. area and moved in together with some other roomates, but still just as friends. Once we started living together, we became even closer. She starting crashing in my bed and nothing happened until one night we had a little wine, and wham, bam it became physical. We had sex on and off, and I really started to fall in love with her, and I think she did too, but she didn’t want to ruin the friendship. I figured we had a lot more to gain by becoming more than friends even if it risked our friendship. She finally came around to my way of thinking, and I couldn’t have been more right. We are truly best friends and that, I feel, makes the best base for a successful relationship. So my advice, go for it.

8

Thought I would throw my 2 cents in here. I met my best friend four years ago. We flirted etc for 2 years. Finally we broke down and became a “couple”. It was kind of rocky at first and very uncertain. To be honest, it was a bit scary since we were so close to each other.

In August while visiting Graceland, I proposed to her in Elvis’s meditation garden (classy eh?). She said yes making me incredibly happy.

She is still my best friend and the most important person in my life. Had I passed up the opportunity to switch from friend to lover, I would have missed out on the most incredible experience I have ever had.

Sorry to get sappy but I thought I would be the one to say “throw caution to the wind”.

***** please do not hold me responsible if things do not work out for you. the views and opinions expressed in this post are not those of the Straight Dope Message Board etc etc etc yadda yadda yadda *********

9

I must. Welcome to the Straight Dope Message Board, Pammipoo. Please take some time to read the forum descriptions. Questions soliticing the opinions of your fellow members are best served by our forum In My Humble Opinion. I’ll move the thread there for you.

10

Can you believe it that this question implies that people have sex with strangers?

One should be a friend first before becoming a sex partner…who would want to have sex with someone who is not a friend?

11

I’ve done it twice, and it killed the friendship both times. With both relationships, there was a lot of flirting on both sides, and some lightweight touchy-feelies, and at no time did anybody ever have any intention of turning the friendship into a relationship.

With the first friend, what really made it awkward was that the sex was positively awful, and after that, I had a hard time dealing with it.

The second friend, I think, started to fall for me, because she started getting clingy after some really great sex. Once we started, we agreed that it would be a ‘no strings attached’ kinda thing, but it didn’t turn out that way.

Would I do it again? I don’t know. I’m not going to cheat on my wife, of course, but if I were single, I’d have to say it’s a definite maybe.

12

I agree with what dpr said. If your honest about what’s happening then your friendship should be fine. Just don’t get your wires crossed… one person thinking the sex is going to lead to a romantic relationship and the other just wanting the sex and nothing more… that’s gonna cause problems.

I personally can’t imagine ever sleeping with my best friend but that’s probably because I’m not attracted to him in that way. It’s different for everybody I guess.

I hope it works out for you.

13

“I personally can’t imagine ever sleeping with my best friend but that’s probably because I’m not
attracted to him in that way”

Sleep with them is okay, have sex, not.

14

As has been previously stated, it depends on the people. Some people can have sex with friends, and it’s no big deal. Others get all attached and mindfucked about something that’s no big deal.

No big deal to me, at least. But to them, it’s a world shattering event.

The way I see it, it’s not genocide or a death in the family. It’s just sex. At least, when you do it with someone you feel comfortable with. Someone who doesn’t laugh at you when you’re naked, someone you can sleep with. Someone who called you first when their mom died senior year of high school.

The cool thing is, you can be friends and hang out and eat chicken wings at Hooter’s, and you can watch movies and fall asleep together, and then wake up and have that great morning sex. After the shower, of course.
College was cool. I should have studied more.

Anyway, there is no way to know what will happen beforehand. You can swear to each other up and down that it won’t change anything and that you’re BFF, but that won’t mean shit if one of you develops feelings that the other doesn’t share.
Someone once said “Few things pain the heart suchlike unrequited love.” and boy they aint lyin’ either.

Here’s the straight dope, from me to you:
It’s gonna come out either good, bad or the same. I know that sounds ambiguous, and it is and it isn’t. Here’s what I mean. You can’t go into the situation with any preconceived notions about the outcome. You can’t think that it’ll turn out any certain way based on any rational chain of thought. You’re dealing with the human heart here, not in a clinical sense, and nothing can be said for certain when it comes to that.
If you can both just say “Let’s see what happens, I’m willing to take the chance for the nookie.” you will at least not end up hating each other, or one hating the other. And even then it’s a big maybe.

In any case, if you start shagging one of your friends, something is going to happen. Your relationship will change somehow, and it will never be the same, no matter what. The reason things get fucked is because people think they can somehow control the outcome of events or manipulate them when they can’t. Especially when another person’s emotions are involved. The people who successfully have casual, sexual friendships are those who are laid back about life and know they are just along for the ride. They can be “just along for the ride” with a friend who is of like mind.

Of course, that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.

15

I would sleep with your friends!

But Drain Bead would get mighty pissed off, so I better not…

Yer pal,
Satan

*TIME ELAPSED SINCE I QUIT SMOKING:
Six months, three weeks, two days, 22 hours, 20 minutes and 36 seconds.
8277 cigarettes not smoked, saving $1,034.65.
Extra time with Drain Bead: 4 weeks, 17 hours, 45 minutes.

David B used me as a cite!*

16

On the other hand, sex with your enemies can be fun, too!

17

Actually, my X really liked sex with friends. She slept with all of hers. “Oh No! We’re just friends!” (bit**)

18

I had a lesbian girlfriend once. One day I came in at 9am & she was in bed naked with her exgirlfriend & her exgirlfriends girlfriend. In other words, three naked lesbians all sleeping together. Thats all they did, sleep.

19

Wow.

Being quoted by dpr in a sex thread.

I feel like Masters (or was that Johnson).

20

Been there, done that. Luckily it worked out very well. We are still good friends and I feel I can discuss anything with him even though he saw me naked! :smiley: