Most of us hope to find an SO who is so wonderful, sexy etc. etc., that the choice to stay with him/her will be totally self-evident. Love will hit you with a bludgeon, something like that.
But in most relationships, commitment seems more like a choice, a “willful decision”. A decision to stop looking around, to choose for your SO and her/him only, and to make the best of the relationship. Isn’t marriage a symbolic way of saying both partners make that commitment?
I’d like to hear stories of Dopers about their “willful choice” to commit to their current SO. So, don’t tell me how wonderfull your SO is (I bet s/he is, to be your SO) but tell me about your own choice for, or against, commitment. What does it bring you? What are the costs to you?
Commitment seems to be about security and a commonly held decision to remain exclusive to one another for the purposes of ensuring an exclusive bond, both emotional and physical.
The costs…: Missed opportunities to form some new relationships and in many cases brief physical ones.
The benefits…: Not risking undermining the primary one with your spouse.
So as a cost/benefit analysis one must decide, which is more important over the long run.
I was committed to my husband very soon after we started dating. For us, everything “clicked.” I knew that he was the best possible mate for me, and vice versa.
The benefits are numerous: There is a sense of sharing, not only the present, but our future. I know he’ll be there when I’m a little old lady, and I’ll be there when he’s a cranky old man yelling at the neighbor kids to get the hell off our lawn. There is a sense of partnership-- that whatever adversity comes along, we will face it as a team. There is also more of an effort to work out our differences, because we’re “stuck” with each other, so we both have to compromise to make things work. There are also financial benefits. We’re legally recognized as a married couple, so we don’t have problems with insurance coverage or inheritance issues.
The drawbacks are very minor, in my opinion. We’ll both never experience the excitement of a new relationship, but we’ll also never have to worry about being dumped or having a broken heart. Honestly, I can’t think of any others.
Quicksilver and Lissa, how much of a willfull decision was committing for you, and how much of it was: “waking up one morning and just knowing for sure?”
It’s entirely an act of willful for me. But that doesn’t mean that it is somehow less desireable because of the benefits it brings.
And you are raising an interesting question which I’m currently trying to wrap my mind around in my own life. I hope you don’t mind if I brainstorm in this thread for a while. Play a bit of a Devil’s Advocate as well, just to vet some thoughts.
Before we married I went through a period of doubt about OldFart. There were some things that were---- let’s just say less than perfect. But those things aside, we were infinitely compatible. After much soul searching I decided that the things that bothered me were pretty superficial and insignificant when considered in the context of our whole relationship. I’d already been divorced twice when we met and I had no intention of ever having another long term relationship so I took a long time to determine that it was right.
The result of my thought process is that I looked at him as a whole person and understood exactly why I was willing to make a commitment. I was correct - it was the right thing to do.
I don’t think there are any “costs” other than the normal minor ccompromises that a couple makes. I’m certainly not the easiest person in the world to live with so he’s also had a set of costs to keep us intact. It is never a one way street.
The benefit is that we have a solid partnership. Our 21st anniversary is coming up next month.
Other than snipping the line about being divorced, I could say the same thing (well…he’s not an OldFart. ;)). It was a willful decision, and to be honest, I don’t entirely believe in the other kind, at least not for me. I have a tendency to overanalyze things anyway. I’ve thought deeply, and while we are not married (many reasons) this spring will be nine years together.
It was most certainly a willful decision. I knew he was the one for me, but I thought about it long and hard, and Hubby and I discussed it many times, at length. We both take marriage/committment very seriously, and wanted to make sure we were both willing to make the sacrifices and compromises necessary to make our relationship work.
You have to ask yourself, “Is this the person that I’m willing to spend the rest of my life with? Are his/her bad habits and flaws acceptable to me? (You can’t change someone, so, can you live with it?) Do I trust that this person will be true to his/her vows and promises? Is this person my best friend in the whole world, the person who I* like* more than anyone else?” (Liking someone is very different than loving them-- many couples have love and passion, but when the excitement fades, they find they have nothing in common.)
Love is an emotion, and hence, irrational. Committment is different, and should be rational. You may feel great love and passion for someone with whom you are not compatible, and down the road find that the emotion alone if not a strong enough foundation to build a lasting relationship. That’s where friendship and trust come into play.
Hollywood lies to us: there is no such thing as eternal passion and excitement in love. Love naturally mellows and matures into a deep bond. Some people are not content with that, and always feel like they’re “missing” something because of it.
I was fairly shy around Girls. I was a nerd in HS and still a geek. I had only dated 3 girls prior to my wife.
My wife is smart, pretty, intelligent, her taste in music was similar but not identical, we were both environmentalist. Neither of us are religious. She was musical and artistic. Did I mention she was cute.
She came from a good stable loving family with smart, easy to get along with parents. I was thunderstruck by her. (Moonstruck if you prefer).
I was so happy that such a sweet girl liked me. She was the girl I wanted to marry and spend my life with.
**It is nearly 14 years later now. **
Economics and benefits never came into the equation.
I don’t have it in me to cheat on her, just not in my make up. Not a big issue either as I mentioned I am shy around girls and now I am a fat guy in his late 30’s.
Love hit me with a bludgeon.
Sorry, there was no wilful decision to be committed to each other, we just are.
We both just decided to stop looking elsewhere because we wanted what we had and had what we wanted. It wasn’t a conscious, rational choice to stop looking elsewhere, we just realised at some point that both of us had, and that we both saw our futures in each other, together.
It hasn’t cost me anything, the benefits are that I have an incredible man who knows me more intimately than anyone else ever could, and I know him better than anyone ever will.
As I see them, inherent costs in the decision are these:
Loss of personal freedom.
You no longer make most plans for yourself alone but (at least) with consideration for the other person.
You can’t go to Paris on a whim.
You may not ever do things on a whim, but now you’ve got to check with your S.O. And it’s not so much that you can’t go but the actual idea that you’ve got to clear it first.
Making new friends, not like before.
That drink with the cute (fill in blank) just to refill your ego a bit and see if you’ve still got it… Definitely out. I don’t even mean getting into bed with them. Just sitting down and connecting with your object of secret desire and maybe flirting a bit. Unless you’re a practiced player with a very flexible conscience, you just won’t ever put yourself in that situation and feel that emotionally satisfying high. (Which I believe to be very healthy for a commited relationship. The irony is that most relationships can’t survive that kind of thing.)
No more steak.
No matter how you try to spice it up. No matter how many times you play traveling salesman and hooker at the local Holiday Inn, it’s still just the two of you with the same limits and habits and familiar look, feel, smell and taste. You may love chicken but sometimes you crave a rare steak.
Well, I was being honest, but it really doesn’t seem to be in my make up to cheat.
I added the second part to state that I doubt I could at this point, even if I wanted to.
When I first got married, I appeared to have gotten more attractive to the opposite sex just by being married. **I did not and would not flirt back. **
I was in reasonably good shape and at least somewhat good-looking at the time.
I’ve recently got engaged and am getting married in 6 weeks.
Based on my Hot or Not score, I like to think I’d still have some success with the ladies if I chose
I’ve made a decision that I am not interested in snogging other women as I go through life, even though it might be nice. The benefits I get from the security and deep love with my fiance far outweigh the short-term buzz of pulling someone new.
I also know that many of the benefits I get from a close 1:1 relationship - trust, honesty etc - will only be realised through that decision, so in that sense it’s a clear cost-benefit analogy to giving up other birds.
I still flirt with other women - not when my finances there, of course, but I still go out with the lads and have a laugh with other girls. And I’ve told my finance that I’m glad she does the same. We both know it’ll stop short of kissing, so in that sense it’s just an ego-boost which does us good.
And to be honest, the twinge of jealousy I get when she goes out with the girls reminds me that I still love her so much that I don’t want anyone else to have her. It’s when I don’t care about her flirting at all that I’ll be more worried.
Anway, it’s not like all relationships are the same - I know that my fiance will never come to a rave with me, but I’d happily trade that for her child-bearing hips and her lasagne.
I didn’t in any way mean to suggest you were not being honest. In fact, I found your comment to be refreshingly honest.
I guess I was simply bringing to light the fact that “opportunity” often plays a role in the efficacy of a “commitment”.
Now I’m sure there will be a flood or moral judgements about breaking promises in a commited relationship. And such judgements are in fact correct. On the other hand, it would be intellectually dishonest to argue that there are not inherent inequities with respect to costs when “opportunity” is in relatively available suppply.
, I didn’t think you were questioning my honesty. Indeed, if I had, I would have snapped back knowing me.
Sometimes I just don’t phrase my replies very well.
Mazel Tov. ;j Congrats to both of you and much happiness in your lives together.
Handsome devil.
I have shared your enthusiasm and outlook. I spent a largely happy 15 years with someone for whom I felt the same emotional ties. The last few years, sadly and unfortunately, we’re our undoing. Yet, I’m not jaded about marriage or long term commitment. I’m just evaluating the “costs” as an intellectual exercise thanks to the OP.
I also know that many of the benefits I get from a close 1:1 relationship - trust, honesty etc - will only be realised through that decision, so in that sense it’s a clear cost-benefit analogy to giving up other birds.
I still flirt with other women - not when my finances there, of course, but I still go out with the lads and have a laugh with other girls. And I’ve told my finance that I’m glad she does the same. We both know it’ll stop short of kissing, so in that sense it’s just an ego-boost which does us good.
And to be honest, the twinge of jealousy I get when she goes out with the girls reminds me that I still love her so much that I don’t want anyone else to have her. It’s when I don’t care about her flirting at all that I’ll be more worried.
Anway, it’s not like all relationships are the same - I know that my fiance will never come to a rave with me, but I’d happily trade that for her child-bearing hips and her lasagne.
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Interesting discussion…my views…I am married - there were several factors involved, no, I wasn’t pregnant :rolleyes:
What I absolutely loved about not being married was the ability to go to, well, maybe not Paris, but anywhere I chose, by myself. Whenever I wanted. Without explaining. To anyone. And I didn’t have to invite anyone to go with me. I could just go by myself.
The single thing I dislike about being married is having to explain myself, about anything or hating that I feel like I have to. And that’s a big cost to me.
Quicksilver, your questions help me to formulate my own more precisely, so you’re welcome to co-host this thread. Your questions seem to focus most on the question “if sexual fidelity is worth it”, and that surely is an interesting question, although not the one I’m facing, I realized by reading your posts here.
I guess my OP came out of the fact that, currently for the first time, I’m in an committed relationship, or one that has the intention of being committed. However much my previous SO and I liked and loved each other, there was not really a sense of commitment. (Or, quite probably, I just tell myself that, in retrospect.) It is hard to pinpoint exactly. Not marrying, not having kids and not buying a house together were symbols of it. That we both could have other sexual partners, too. Too much independence on both sides, perhaps. Maybe I wonder what this “commitment-thing” is, and if it is the same thing I’ve always been warned about by my feminist mother.
, I didn’t think you were questioning my honesty. Indeed, if I had, I would have snapped back knowing me.