My hubby hadn’t seen his best friend for a while (“He’s like a brother, man!”) His friend came over to our house the other day, and the two of them clasped in a big bear hug, and thumped each other on the back three or four times as the hug was ending. Odd, I thought.
Last month, we visited his father, and I saw the two of them thump backs after they hugged.
I’ve seen other men do this when embracing each other, so I don’t think it’s just him. Why? Women don’t thump each other after a hug.
It’s just a guy thing. The typical guy hug that we do is this:
The thumps at the end are to keep the hug as “manly” as possible. You know, kind of a, “Hey buddy, good to see you, I’d like to give you a big hug, but don’t want to seem like a sissy.”
Not all guys do this, but it’s pretty common. : )
I think Saeren’s hit it right on the the head. 'Fact, my friends and I usually make a joke as we break from a clasp along the lines that the hits were just to make sure the other guy knows I’m not gay.
That’s probably how it started, but I think it continues through sheer socialization (my gay friends hug me the same way).
V.
thats funny Sua, my buddies and i joke too. except out loud one of us will say “did everyone see that? were not gay!” but it doesn’t really matter, and it’s even funnier when i greet one of my buddies that is gay.
i think it’s just a universal masculine thing. men in old times would clasp forearms or shoulders, pats on the back, big bear hugs with pats on the back all to say “we are men, we hunt, we kill, we defend our homes, we are strong like bear, …yada yada yada…”
what i hate is when i get greeted by a woman who kisses the air by my cheek like that’s supposed to be meaningful or something. damn, just wink or something, but if you’re gonna lean over to kiss, then kiss.
I’ve noticed that even when women hug, there are often pats on the back. With women, it’s more often a gentle tap made by flexing at the wrist. With men, it’s just a little more vigorous.
soulsling: what i hate is when i get greeted by a woman who kisses the air by my cheek like that’s supposed to be meaningful or something. damn, just wink or something, but if you’re gonna lean over to kiss, then kiss.
A way to stop them from doing that: After they air-kiss you, stand back and waggle your tongue at them. When they object, say it’s just a greeting like their air-kiss. That should stop them. :D:D:D
In college I had to take theater movement class. Ways to interpret body language. One of the things that we learned there is that people get uncomfortable when others are in their “space”. Because of this they tend to do physical things that are dismissive… one of them is the patting on the back. If someone pats you on the back when your giving them a hug what it really means is… “yeah, nice to see you too… now get the hell out of my space”. I think that’s why men do it more than women. They have definite space issues especially when it comes to other men. But ever since that class… if I’m giving someone a hug and they pat me on the back I get the distinct impression that they want me out of their space. I also try NOT to pat people on the back when giving hugs…easier said then done though!
I’ve always done this, and I never stopped to think why. It is male learned behavior… we are showing affection through non-hurtful aggressive actions. All brothers do this to each other, the chuck on the arm, the heavy arm over the shoulder, the rough head rub. When I haven’t seen my three younger brothers for a while it is a veritable ballet of backslaps, headlocks, and light punches. It is quite similar to how bear cubs or puppies will “play fight” but not bare their claws or bite all the way down.
This is learned in youth and then becomes a safe way for men to express affection for each other, “I’m only touching you because we’re goofing around, and we’re not hurting each other because we’re friends.”
Of course, by the time we’re adults, it’s so ingrained that we don’t consciously think it. It’s just… what we do.
I think most everyone here is seeing the patting thing the same way I do. If I hug a guy friend, there’s ALWAYS a pat involved. It’s usually a good hard pat too. Just to keep it from feeling like an intimate hug. I also pat my girl friends (not “girlfriends”) when I hug them, but usually not as hard. Just keeps the hug from “meaning” too much I guess.
soulsling - Next time you get the “air-kiss” from your friend, do a quick head turn and MAKE her plant the kiss. Or better yet, while her head is next to yours, quickly stick your tongue in her ear… 
As someone else who’s spent time in the theater (BFA in Acting, no less), the way we analyzed it is that (1) it minimizes the actual time of contact, and (2) holding the arm in place makes the other person feel trapped.
Space issues are important, and nothing violates space more than actually touching someone. When you hug, your arm(s) go(es) around the other person, and your arm is pressed against their back. Three second hug, three seconds of solid contact, during which the other person can’t get away unless they actively pull against your arm. But if you slap the other person’s back, your arm is disengaged from them for 95% of the movement; you’re only touching them for the split-second of the slap, and whatever incidental frontal contact – shoulder, a bit of chest, whatever – results from the actual hug. And because you’re not completely holding onto them, they’re free to pull back at any time.
Next time you hug someone, let your arm go around the other person and remain in contact for a brief moment before you start slapping. You’ll be surprised at how uncomfortable both of you feel, how vulnerable, even for that tiny moment, before you remove your arm and give the other person a couple of whacks.
(It’s kind of fun to mess with people like that. Another fun one is, when you get on an elevator, and there’s only one person, stand on their side of the elevator, instead of across the car on the opposite side. Heh heh.)
That’s very interesting. Speaking as one who enjoys physical contact (I’ll got for a hug over a handshake any day, for intance, even with other male friends) I never considered back-patting dismissive. In fact I’ve wondered if there’s any evidence that some of this behaviour is related to stroking and caressing behaviour noted in primates (such as ourselves, I guess). As such, it wouldn’t signal discomfort.
I’ve also noticed many women who pat or stroke while hugging. However, I’ve never seen women “thump” as agressively as some men do.
Shoot. I thought this thread was going to be some insightful dialog about spousal abuse.
Wussies.
Ren… In class we were taught that the back patting <meaning lots of little soft pats> and back thumping <hard thwaps> were ways of showing that you are uncomfortable with the situation. We were also taught, however, that when giving a hug and the person rubs or strokes your back… that THAT was a sign of true emotion and caring.
Let’s not forget that when a man comes up behind another man, you’re likely to see a slap between the shoulder blades strong enough to dislodge a stuck piece of food.
Really? That’s odd… but it would explain why the hugs always end with the patting. Could this be something instinctive?
I think the “air kiss” originated with the somewhat practical purpose of allowing a woman to imply a kiss without risking the disarranging of her make-up.
I thought this was going to be about men hitting women.
I think we once talked about why guys slap each other on the butt.
It’s certainly a very American thing. We’ve joked about it many times at home. I would never hug a male friend unless drunk, a hand shake is always sufficient.
Far as I know, men don’t hug each other with their pelvic regions touching, right?
Maybe that’s what the slapping’s about…‘i’m a pretty strong guy, feel these slaps…keep your groin away from mine…’