Public commitment and legal rights. Our son was adopted from Korea, we wouldn’t have him with a marriage license.
Yes. It is a spectacular painful expensive failure.
Marriage is a scam to put money in the pockets of lawyers. I will probably wind up getting married to my girlfriend because of taxes and other financial reasons. My commitment will not be any stronger because of some ceremony in front of a judge or Elvis.
I got married because I really wanted to go to off-track that day (had the reception at Arlington Park across from the courthouse).
Yes, I’m kidding. We initially weren’t planning on getting married. It was fine with BOTH of us. But then 9-11 happened - that changed our perspectives on a lot of things - and we really felt like we wanted to BELONG to each other.
It’s very difficult to explain - and go figure - today is our tenth wedding anniversary - but it was what we wanted.
I know I’m not explaining myself well at all - I’m sorry - I’m not good at verbalizing stuff. Especially something like this.
I think so, except for people who genuinely considered other options and then decided the institution of marriage really was an ideal vehicle for their love relationship. I think most people do NOT do that and instead do as you did: I’m in love, one of us asks the other to get married and the other accepts, because in this culture it’s what you do when you’re in love and are serious about the relationship.
** raises hand ** I’m another one. I’ve never been inclined towards sexual possessiveness and jealousy and never saw much attraction to a relationship-structure based on monogamy and exclusivity. Also, I don’t think love can be “made safe” although I fully understand being in something so fantastic that you want it to last forever and ever. Promising or handcuffing yourself and your partner to a relationship doesn’t provide any kind of insurance policy. Love is about taking risks and it thrives in freedom and languishes and perishes under obligation.
Never married. Wrote against the institution as long ago as when I was 21.
ETA: I’m polyamorous
First and foremost because we wanted to establish a household and have a family, and being married makes that way the heck easier.
Secondly because we’re both conditioned to feel happier and safer that way.
For some people it’s not important to take that route, because they are content with the status of their relationship and what it means to them and society as it is. I completely understand that. For others, it is important to put the weight of the word behind the relationship, with the social expectations and treatments that go along with it. I would get married again, even though I was married once and divorced. For me, sometimes the word “boyfriend” can seem a bit flippant and insincere, and doesn’t exactly portray the depth of the relationship you have.
I have a different perspective on it than I might have five years in, or ten years in. I’m thirty years in. We are looking at things like retirement, the process of our bodies slowly falling apart, our children having children.
Marriage is not, primarily, a romantic agreement between two people. It starts out that way and hopefully continues that way, but it is primarily a formal structure for tying two extended families together, for raising children, for building a home, for contributing to your community, for providing a stable framework for a whole network of relationships including one sexual one. The legal benefits are simply a reflection of all those things.
Some marriages are comfortably boring, some miserable, some amazing. And, if you hang in there, chances are it will be all of those things. Just like the lives of individuals. Emotional states, even chronic ones, don’t prove or disprove anything about marriage.
[QUOTE=Missy2U]
today is our tenth wedding anniversary
[/QUOTE]
Happy anniversary.
Regards,
Shodan
I mean, I think the real answer here is that I got married because I was culturally conditioned to do so. Marriage was held up to me as the ultimate expression of commitment. It represented stability and security. It’s not something I questioned often, but considering the fact that my mother has divorced four times and had horrible unstable relationships, I’m not sure why I trusted this concept so much.
This is kind embarrassing to admit but… even when I was in elementary school I refused to ‘‘go out’’ with a boy I didn’t think was marriage material. I didn’t want to get married until after grad school (I really wanted to be a psychologist), but I was seriously thinking about whether or not this seven year old boy was responsible enough to make a good husband someday, and whether or not he would support my career ambitions. I was really, really frustrated with boys at that age because they didn’t seem to care about any of that. Yeah. I was… an intense kid.
I don’t know, it was like for me I thought life wouldn’t begin until adulthood, and I had all these plans. By age 18 I was such a mess, I decided I was no where near ready for a relationship and that, naturally, is when I met my husband. That’s sort of when life happens and you realize your plans mean nothing.
Part cultural conditioning, part because we intended to have children and it makes that process much more smooth/stable, and part because making that promise makes you a better person. For all I know, either my wife or I would have cheated on each other in the past 5 years had we not been married.
We got married because my wife needed health insurance after losing her job and because I was going overseas on a posting that allowed me to bring my spouse. We had already been living together for years and already owned a house. We both thought that we would never get officially married, but we needed to get her on my insurance and I wanted her to come with me to Indonesia.
People made a really big deal about it, even though we just eloped one weekend. She has never even changed her last name. I always thought it would be funny if we got divorced, but kept everything else the same, just living in sin like we used to.
Thanks, Shodan! 
We got married because after over five years of knowing each other and never living anywhere near each other, we couldn’t not talk to each other. We both decided that no one else we met was nearly as interesting. I was moving, she was at loose ends, and when I decided to ask her to move in with me it seemed cheap and selfish not to ask her to marry me also. Been working fine for 34 years. Some periods of stress, but nothing major. At some point you realize that you deal with things much better together.
My daughter, who resisted getting married to her long term boyfriend, finally agreed to when their future got settled, when she got into a good PhD program and he got into law school. They also had ample opportunity to break up before marrying, and couldn’t.
Me and She clicked on our first date, both of us suspecting something special might be happening. Ten months later we decided to live together, out of holy wedlock, because marriage is just a piece of paper, didn’t mean anything to us, and so forth.
But… we knew that several parents and grandparents (on both sides) would be distraught over our living in sin. Since we were so adamant about it not making any difference, we went ahead and had a low-key, not-quite bare bones wedding, just to be nice to our families.
42 years later, we’re as happy as two ants on a fish head.
I have the chance twice to cheat on my hubs, and even if we weren’t married I wouldn’t have done it, but I do agree marriage made the consequences of cheating much more dire.
No, marriage isn’t a bed of roses a lot of the time, but I’m not seeing how that makes it any less appealing than shacking up. It’s not like shacking up is any rosier most of the time. You have all the exact same stuff, big and little, that can make marriage not much fun. You just don’t have health insurance, inheritance rights, or automatic decision-making status to offset any of it.
Which, to me, makes shacking up sound like a pretty raw-ass deal. You want me to spend lord knows how many years picking your skanky drawers up out of the floor and processing them, listening to your snoring, and halving the amount of time I spend with my family to make room for yours, but when the shit hits the fan your mom can kick me out of your hospital room and override everything you’ve ever told me you want to do what she wants? :dubious: Yeah, fuck that shit.
When you get right down to the brass tacks, that’s why we got married. I mean, yes all the love and romance and commitment stuff, but we had the love and romance and commitment anyway. The wedding didn’t create any of the stuff or even cement or intensify it. It didn’t even really publicize it. It simply gave us, in one tidy little $27 package, the security and protection it would have cost us thousands of dollars to cobble together some semblance of.