When you show up to a social situation where you don’t know anybody, how do you introduce yourself? I know, it seems like I could just walk up to someone who looks nice and say “Hi, I’m Mary, how are you?” But I’m always afraid the person would just stare at me and respond “busy” or some similar rude put-down.
Having said that, I did observe some really gregarious people in action and noticed that when people shut them down with rude stuff like that, they’d let it wash off their backs. They’d make a joke and move on, just as happy as can be. I’m a bit too sensitive, I guess, that I let things like that bother me.
I hate “fake it till you make it” as advice. But I don’t think there’s a better way of handling it. You kind have to pretend you’ve known people their whole lives to make them warm up to them, and you to them.
All the people I’ve encountered who can be described as “likeable” have this quality about them. The moment you first introduce yourself to them, they remember your name and reference it a LOT in conversation. They take whatever little thing you happen to mention about yourself and they blow it up. “THAT IS SO CRAZY! You live on 8th avenue? I live on 5th avenue! That’s awesome.” They also pay a lot of compliments. “Oh, I really like those earrings! Did you make them?”
It’s an artform. Some people who do it come across as fake or trying too hard. But some people have a knack for it, and I have to believe it’s not always natural talent. Practice helps.
Recognizing this talent in my father was my first step toward reconciling with him as a young adult. I’m pretty crap at it–I endure forced awkwardness and hover near conversations and do things that make me and others a little uncomfortable, until I can finally break through that first stage, at which point I get along fine within a group. My dad? He’s so genuinely warm and interested in other people that he makes fast friends wherever he goes. I wish I had his mad people skills.
BUt yeah, there’s definitely a structure to it, and I think you’re hitting on a lot of the pieces of it.