As I understand it, some of the reasons have to do with love and gratification. I was speaking to a guy I work with about his sons and it was absolutely palpable how strong his caring and devotion was. I think a lot of what matters in life has to do with the quality of the relationships you have. Moreover, the selfless acts which require enormous responsibility for people-you-genuinely-love feed your soul and are another way to be happy. Think about the friends you’ve had. I’m guessing there were probably times when you really helped them out when they needed you. How did that make you feel? From what I hear from some parents, that sort of dynamic becomes a lifestyle.
This comes from my observations but not experience. Like sweetfreak, I’ve not yet had the burning desire to have offspring. I’ve looked at how dangerous the world can be at times. I hate to think of all the money that would need to be allocated to properly raise children. I’ll even go further to say I hate babies. I really identify with the Seinfeld episode where Jerry & Elaine had to “…come and see the bay-by!” I avoid the new parents and the throng that ammases around them when they bring their newborns into work. My boss inserts slides of his newborn into our monthly staff meetings (not as inappropriate as it sounds… we’re somewhat of a tight-knit group within a business that does a bit of work in the greeting card company).
sweetfreak, It’s disappointing but not surprising that you are pressured to have kids as though that’s the point of life. From what I can tell by your posts, I think it is a good thing that you have considered what having childrens means, and you realize that to have children means giving up other things. Given this, if/when the day comes that you decide to have children, you will be among the better-equipped and readied parents. If the results of your post are unsatisfying, I would spend some time talking with someone whom you consider to be a good parent. When I did, (mentioned above), I didn’t ask “Why have kids?,” but I just got him talking (parents have no trouble talking about their kids, you’ll have plenty of raw material to work with). I asked about the good, the bad, the challenges, the misconcpetions (in the “wrong assumptions” sense, not in the “making babies” sense). If you do this, though, make a point of the discussion being “exploratory,” not “arguing the case for or against.” At the end of my discussion, the dad told me he thought I would make a good parent and cited some reasons why he thought so. For someone who hadn’t the interest in being a parent , it was a weird feeling… weird in a good way. Because for my money, there is no job more important to do well than parenting.
This is more of a third world problem then a first world problem. The first world is holding rather steady populationwise. One or two childern is not going to change that…
Also, if nobody had childern, there would be no humans at all in about a century.
Good point.
If you don’t feel you can be responsible for a child, best not to have one.
Having a child is a big commitment and if you don’t feel like you want to want to make such a commitment, don’t have a child.
It’s your life, not your parents.
If you are happy and there’s no reason to change, don’t. Many peoplel feel that having kids would make them more happy.
In all fairness, the world has never been an optimum place to live.
Again, if you don’t feel you can raise a kid, don’t.
I agree with you on not wanting to have kids. I once wanted to have kids to carry on the family name, because everyone else my generation in my family were girls and likely to take their husbands name. Later I realized that…my family’s name is by no means scarce and that was the only reason to have kids, not because I actually wanted to have kids, so I realized that I didn’t want to. That I and I don’t want to think about what a kid raised by me would turn out like.
However, I respect the rights of others to want or have kids as long as they can take care of them or who have them for the right reasons, as long as they respect my right to not want or have childern.
I don’t think anyone should have to justify their actions for having children. Even the ones who are poor. Because someone is uneducated and poor doesn’t mean they don’t have the same desire for children as others. I’d hate for that to be taken away from them because they didn’t have the same advantages I did. I’ll pay a little more on my tax bill and just feel lucky I have more choices.
I wouldn’t bother to justify it to most people, but your family and the people who love you are probably worried that you might really regret this decision, when it’s too late. I had 3 children, actually none of them on purpose. I am that 1% on IUD, the pill and condoms. I have enjoyed the process completely in spite of being totally unprepared for it. I didn’t live vicariously through my children’s childhood, I just got to live it with them and remember the joy of my own again and the pride of watching them turn into emotionally successful adults. The world may have a lot of people, but we want to make sure the good ones outnumber the bad. As for the responsibililty of it, I never thought of children as a seperate species, requiring my constant servitude. Sure when they’re really small, they require more care, but they’re also more portable and easier to get to do what you want. Once they’re big enough to stand on a chair and load the washer or run the vacumn, they become your partners in the family unit or slaves, as needed. The one valid point you make is #6 and you are the only one that knows if that will always remain true. For me it wasn’t about some need to duplicate or continue, it was unintentional; but I had the time of my life. Had I had the chance to decide if I would have children, I’m not sure I would have. I never gave a rip about babies and other people’s kids kind of irritated me. I had no interest in all the things mother’s talked about, still don’t. I just figured I wasn’t mom material. I just consider them a gift I didn’t know I wanted til I had them. You don’t need anyone to tell you it’s okay not to have kids. You just need to be sure it really is okay with you.
So it’s okay for people who can’t afford it to have children? And I am supposed to pay for their selfishness out of my tax dollars?
If you want to have children, than take responsibility for yourself first. If you can’t make a decent life for yourself, than it is incredibly selfish to bring innocent children into this world and have them suffer along with you.
What is very troubling to me, in many of these posts from people that have or want children, is that their reasons tend to be in the best interests of themselves, and not their children.
While there is nothing wrong in wanting things for yourself (I have that trait myself), people that choose to have children need to think of what kind of life they can give to them and place their children’s needs before their own.
If you want such a large responsibility; developing a loving, successful, human being, then be willing to sacrifice for it.
You’re assuming these people have all of the ability and opportunity that you or I have and this is just not true. We will always have uneducated and poor people. Should only the prosperous have children? I just hate having someone who is poor labeled as a mindless breeding machine, while someone born in better circumstances is just a good planner. Life happens, kids happen. Yes, we should all take responsibility for ourselves, but it doesn’t always happen that way. I’ll help when necessary. I shouldn’t have commented on it though. That wasn’t really what this was about.
I disagree with the whole concept of putting your childrens needs before your own. That is what is wrong with a lot of grown “children” these days. Your children’s needs should be as important as yours, but you can’t raise decent human beings if they are always more important than yours. Realistically it fluctuates and sometimes your needs are more important than the child’s and other times the reverse. But a loving, successful, human being grows up knowing that everyone has needs and they will not come first all the time. I loved being a mother, but would not have enjoyed being a martyr.
Also, sweetfreak, for 2 million years, to this very day, the overwhelming majority of the offspring born to every species of the Genus Homo have been born into a livelihood of precarious, day-to-day subsistence, and as Quagdop said, the imperative to reproduce evolved to be genetically hardwired even through untold generations where a likely fate was to end up as Sabretooth Kibble. If you can overcome it, more power to you.
As to your friends and relatives who pester about having children, etc., they haven’t overcome it. Consider them a challenge, a test, to see if you can get them to see YOUR side of the issue. But be assured they have no standing to guilt you into it or to censure your choice.
(BTW: If the ignorant and impoverished have children, and the upscale and educated don’t? Then let’s use the damn schools so that next generation becomes upscale and educated!)
I had disliked kids my whole life.
I’d wanted to get fixed at age 14.
Never babysat.
Then I married my husband.
I loved him, and therefore, wanted to have his child.
It had to be his; he’d wanted to try a sperm donor, for good reason, but I said “No, if its not yours, I don’t want it”.
If anything, it makes you more childlike, in a good way.
I’d be pretty boring without myson.
Because he is around, I actually have gone sledding (never did my whole life before), outdoor activites, have more fun than I would have, for sure.
A former church friend has 12 now and she is about 40.
I did quit my job when my son was 2, and been on assitance since then, so thanks for your financial help, its appreciated.
People have children for the same reason they get tattoos. For some they are a permanent reminder of a temporary fancy. For others they are a lifelong commitment that will stick with even when they are old and wrinkled. And still others, they are a reminder of when they were young, which keeps them young at heart.
I actually feel like there is a huge disconnect between me and the rest of the world. I don’t understand at all why people want to have children. I don’t understand why I’m supposed to congratulate them or be happy for them when they do have children. I don’t understand why somebody would choose to have more than 1 child if they have to get pregnant at all. I don’t understand baby showers, and I don’t understand the desire to sacrifice time and energy and your life to raise children. I just completely do not get it on any level. I’m not even entirely sure why people love pets so much, though I guess I am fond of my two little hellbeasts (cats) though they are mainly my husband’s, not mine.
As for the reasons offered on the thread, I can’t even understand that. And I wonder, if humans are genetically wired to ahve the need to reproduce (and I have no reason to doubt this) why does it seem my maternal instict is MIA?
Speaking only for myself, I had children in order to increase the general intelligence level of the population. It looks obvious that some parents should have been more careful.
My reason - to bring more love into the world. A child’s hugs, and even a teenagers hug, is the sweetest thing in the world.
Other good things about having kids. Seeing your traits experessed in different ways, and mixed with those of someone you love. The surprise and the joy when they go beyond anything you can do. Pride in a child’s accomplishments is unselfish. Seeing laughter and wonder.
It’s just a connection with another person that you can’t understand unless you experience it. We have only two so that we wouldn’t dilute the connection.
I’ve always loved kids, and I’ve never regretted having my own.
Because having sex feels good, biologically and psychologically. And because its easier for the most part to have sex and become pregnant, than to take the steps necessary to not to become pregnant.
(Oversimplification ahead!) Because, even in a population which 99+% brown-eyed, the genes for blue eyes are still floating around out there. And once in a while they do turn up. No biggie. If anyone gives you grief, telling you that you should have a maternal instinct, clout them upside the head with a haddock. Or similar, as fits your circumstance. Don’t want kids? The greatest thing to do in that situation is to not have them. Any attacks on your position are wholly unjustified and inappropriate.
However, if your instincts drive you to lead a campaign to have all children rounded up and put into confinement camps, you may then experience justified resistance.
Anyone who doesn’t want to have kids shouldn’t have kids. You won’t find me trying to convince you that you should have kids, or that you should want to have kids. There are plenty of people who don’t want kids, and if those people don’t have kids the world will be a better place.
On the other hand, if someone does want kids, what’s wrong with that?
Only people who want kids should have kids. If you don’t want kids, ignore the people who tell you that you should have them. It doesn’t matter WHY you don’t want kids, the fact is that you don’t want them, so don’t have them.
If the person who has had the child is someone you care about, and they wanted a child. then you can be happy for them because they got something they wanted. Like, my husband wants a Humvee. I don’t understand why anyone would want one, but the day we can afford one, I will be happy for him, because I love him and want him to be happy.
If you don’t want children, and never have them, then I will be happy for you that you got what you wanted, even though it’s not what I would want for myself. Get it?
sweetfreak, I understand how annoying it must be trying to justify to people why you don’t want kids. Everyone goes through this to some extent. If you don’t want kids, some people will demand an explanation. If you decide to only have one kid, some people will demand an explanation. If you have lots of kids, some people. . .on and on. But you won’t get any demands from me. The only damn thing I don’t understand is why people who don’t want kids have them anyway!
I think this issue is fairly simple: some people want kids, some people don’t, and thankfully we live in a time when the latter choice is increasingly accepted, as it should be.
What I don’t get is why people on either side cannot discuss the issue without being inflammatory. Some of the supposedly innocent, non-judgmental entries on this thread are priceless. “Stupid” college fund? Having kids means you don’t live life yourself, but rather vicariously? You can’t figure out why one should congratulate someone who has just passed a major life milestone that means a lot to them?
And on the other side (more so in other threads than this one), I’ve seen people say childlessness is a valid choice but then needle childless people endlessly about their reasons as if they aren’t good enough.
I’m sick of the debates on this topic, but what’s almost as tiresome are the supposedly neutral “discussions” that are laden with insinuation about one side being more right than the other.
As for why people have kids, hellifiknow. I have one, and wanted him very much, and he’s a wonderful addition to our lives, but I can’t look back and remember what specific reasons I had. I don’t mean to say the decision was thoughtless–but he’s such a part of our lives now, I can hardly imagine life without him, and that makes it hard to remember the decision-making process. We are as happy in our way as my friends who are childless by choice and our friends who have five or six. It’s all good.
The point i was trying to make is I don’t understand why it’s a major milestone. I get that I should be happy they’re happy, that’s not the problem. I don’t get why they’re happy. To me the thought of having a child is so catastrophic that it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea that for somebody else it’s a joyous occasion. I was trying to explain the massive disconnect I feel from other people on the issue.
The one valid point you make is 
