I feel a sense of privacy that leads me to limit some of the info I give out in posts, but I can’t bring myself to use “they/them” when referring to my spouse, as I am not polygamous.
It’s a multi-part answer for me.
- Habitually neutering pronouns is an ingrained post-feminist artifact. They are not fireMEN anymore, you know! You don’t know? Well, let me INFORM YOU, YOU IGNORANT CAVEPERSON!
B) I’m old enough to have lived in a time when casually outing yourself as gay with an uncarefully chosen pronoun would have immediate, serious, life-changing consequences. Habit, again.
iii) Not usually relevant anyway, and nunya bizness.
This is exactly where I got it. I don’t get those kinds of answers IRL, generally, people are too polite.
ETA: I tried to use ‘man’ once, as in “My man”, and got made so much fun of - in a kindly manner, but still - that I never used it again. 
Maybe because I’m telling an anecdote where the gender of those involved is irrelevant.
I don’t announce my own gender on message boards. As a result, I am often assumed to be the gender I’m not. This, truthfully, doesn’t bother me. It DOES bother some other people a great deal, to the point of foaming-mouth outrage. I just don’t understand. It’s not like my gender or that of the husband (I hate “my husband” - I don’t own him!) is a secret, I just don’t think I have to rub that fact in peoples’ faces every time I post something. It’s not so much I’m “disguising” anyone’s gender and simply not mentioning it unless it is relevant to the discussion at hand.
Boyfriend/girlfriend sounds like high school crush stuff to me. That what you call them early on. They then graduate to husband/wife, partner, or SO.
If you arent married that leaves out husband/wife. And like you said, partner sounds businessy. So, that pretty much leaves SO.
Just my opinion.
I typically say SO, but I’ll say girlfriend or partner once in awhile.
Mostly l like to keep people guessing by using SO
But you see, that causes a whole other set of confusion! Sure, now that you’ve mentioned that your SO is a “boy” (“male” I’m assuming, adult and all) we have no problem putting a virtual face to any reference to your SO in your posts regardless of whether pronouns are used, thereby solving the OP’s problem
But now we’d need to know your sex to put the same face to you! (This is what the picture thread is about, I suppose, I know I’ve found myself running there a time or two) Is being married “to a boy! :eek:” shocking (well, to close-mindeds?) Or not?
Really? :dubious: I’ve found that Dopers are among the most open minded and accepting people. Not all of us, mind you, but the “good” posters (ie the majority). I would think that telling them “if you don’t like it, go to #@!!” would be easier to do here than IRL. Well, outside the Pit, different words would be needed, of course 
I resent your gooist assumptions. Must everyone have features to be loved?
I prefer features on mine. But I suppose malleability could work to your advantage…
I’m really partial to the people who make up a cutesy nickname. In real life, I’m not going to refer to my girlfriend as such anyways–I’m just gonna call her by name. Since we all use pseudonyms around here anyways, it makes sense to give your spouse/partner/GF/SO one, too.
True, but, unless the person who is talking to you is really dense, you’ve just revealed yourself anyways. I guess that’s a reason to want straight people to do it, too. Unfortunately, Broomstick’s philosophy of only bringing up gender when it is relevant is quite rare.
BTW, Broomstick: I tend to find “the husband” more offensive, as refusing to use the possessive pronoun comes off as depersonalizing them to me. When I hear men using “the wife”, it’s usually to refer to her as the stereotypical nag that doesn’t let them do what they want to do, similar to “the old ball-and-chain”.
And, anyways, I refer to my mom, my sister, my dad–heck just my relatives and my friends in general. I’ve never thought it comes across as if I’m saying I “own” them. Why is husband or wife any different?
(Now, if I said, say, “my Jessica”, then it does come across that way. And I can’t imagine anyone referring to me as “my BigT” without being condescending.)
Naw, 'round here you’d get into a “debate” over whether #@!! really exists. (And, by “debate”, I mean you’d be told it didn’t.)
Well, I have considered using Mrs Bill for reference but SNL killed that idea. Mrs Fish has its own unpleasant connotations as well.
Goodness! It wasn’t everybody in the thread or even a majority. Just a few posters, but yes, those were almost the exact words. The posters’ comments were sort of on the lines of, if I don’t respect my relationship enough to get married, then they have no reason to respect my relationship, either. As if marriage is the only way to show respect to my relationship.
Truthfully I didn’t know how to answer. If all of the times of us working together, or pulling through crises, or learning to live with each other and love each other don’t count to these posters, well, I didn’t think anything I ever said would change their minds. And then I didn’t care that much anyway. I just wanted a word for “long term live-in partner.”
billfish, “Mrs. Fish” sounds like Fish’s wife from Barney Miller. That’s not so bad!
Why does it matter if one’s partner is male or female, no matter the gender? I think it often gets used among groups (by people in both same and opposite-sex couples) for precisely the opposite reason than you imagined - they’re not ashamed of being gay, and the straight people aren’t ashamed of being straight, but they’re evening the playing field.
Especially since, in a lot of places, same-sex couples can’t marry and don’t all feel comfortable using the terms husband and wife, partner seems like a good, gender-and-sexuality neutral, expressive-of-relationship-but-not-legal-status option.
I don’t recall what Mrs Fish looked like, but I have a hard time imagining Abbe Vigoda?s character had married a super model. Its a wonder they didnt force him to live under a bridge if you know what I mean
What annoys me is when a friend of mine refers to her platonic (and much older) flatmate as her “partner.” When she uses it, it just seems like she’s trying to be all “cool” and mysterious. As in, “My partner James & I went to the museum today.”
But you’re right. I love Fish, but I wouldn’t have sex with him. Forget marriage.
FWIW, I interpret “SO” as Significant Other - a long-term boy/girlfriend, usually sharing living arrangements. This tends to imply a romantic/sexual relationship as well.
“Partner” means one half of a gay couple, male or female, also usually living together, but not married because there are not many official gay marriages in the US. Officially married gay people are each other’s “spouse”.
I don’t pretend these are definitive, just how they come across to me.
My sister used to call her live-in boyfriend her POSSLQ, pronounced “possill-que” - Person of the Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters. I believe it was a census term.
Regards,
Shodan
Your wife is a very lucky woman. That’s the sweetest thing I’ve read in a long time.
I don’t think they’d have to be dense. We live in a heteronormative world and most people simply don’t expect someone’s partner to be gay. Especially if, like me, you look quite girly and have a kid. Many times I’ve played the pronoun game and then ended up having to be direct about what gender my partner is and seen the other person’s jaw literally drop.
When my daughter’s school called me to confirm some of my contact details the woman on the other end was so shocked that my partner was called Helen that she dropped the phone. 
Then she took another two phone calls before she’d managed to get all the info she needed - she was utterly flustered.
That is hilarious.
However as a general rule the pronoun game (while I understand it) drives me nuts, as my gaydar is crap. While I lived in Brighton* I had a male hairdresser. In many conversations he referred to his partner, but never used a single pronoun. Frankly I couldn’t have cared less if he was gay or straight, I just didn’t want to assume he was gay based solely on him being a male hairdresser who lived in Brighton. I therefore also completely avoided pronouns when referring to his partner, all the while desperately hoping he would drop one in, so I could give up the verbal contortions. It really was ridiculous.
*For non-UK dopers, Brighton is basically the San Fransisco of the UK, though not quite as sunny.