I suspect the nice fuzzy feelings were there all along.
WESauron isn’t likely to be, but I am. And I have no problem with that. Never had the parent urge, find children mildly appealing at most, and am the youngest member of my generation on both sides of my family (i.e. the youngest cousin), as well as the youngest sibling in my immediate family. I’m 48, and have had my, er, equipment removed for medical reasons, so I will never reproduce (not that I wanted to!), and my brothers did not have children either.
Sounds lonely and pathetic as described, but actually I love my life. I’ve never regretted for one moment the decision not to have children, and I don’t expect to. I’m single (divorced), and contentedly so, and quite honestly, believe I’m pretty much finished with the whole dating thing. I have some very good friends, but they are not a part of my daily life. I love being alone, and I’m never bored.
This was a bit of a hijack, but I couldn’t resist responding to hlanelee.
The OP sounds like my dad, who honestly never should have had children, he’s a miserable parent.
Luckily, my mom’s pretty decent, us kids have turned out to be brilliant, talented and full of social responcibility.
I want to have kids to continue that trend. I want to create a family that can hold all the good that my youth did not. I want to take part in raising adults who act to uphold what is good and right, protect the innocent, care for the needy, and in general improve the world.
Yeah, it’ll cost money and be hard work and etc, etc, etc…but everything that is worthy in life is going to be work. Money is only a means to support worthy action. If you feel children are a sacrifice from your existance, don’t have them. I tend to think they can’t help but enrich mine.
My parents - especially my mother - may have agreed with this when I was in my teens. In the ten years since then, we have grown very close and I think they would disagree now. In all relationships there are good times and bad times and what you are describing is the worst of a bad time between parent and child.
Having seen a father grieve the loss of a beloved child, I would respectfully disagree that there isn’t “an amazing link” between father and child.
I do believe that is the dumbest question I have ever heard. The answers are obvious. Every adult on this planet, besides you, can pull at least one of the correct answers.
If you don’t want kids, nor a cat or dog, what do you like around you - if anything - , WeRSauron? Just Curious.
Mmm, trying to join two families who have no respect whatsoever for each other or different lifestyles. Sounds like loads of fun, that. Having kids would have been a spectacularly bad idea for the two of you, and getting divorced was probably the smartest thing either of you ever did.
That’s really neither here nor there, however. People mostly have kids for the same reason people do any hard, dirty, or expensive hobby: for the love of the thing. It fulfills something in them. A desire to love and nurture, a desire to mold the future of the world, a desire for continuity into future, a desire to have a perfect picture-book life, a desire to do what all their friends are doing, *somthing/i]. They get something out of it that makes the shitty parts worthwhile.
It kind of surprises me that you would have to ask that question, really. Surely you do something that isn’t always pretty and pleasant and fun, but that you enjoy anyway. Most everybody does. I mean, I go through my life covered in dog hair, scooping poop, cleaning up vomit, getting clawed and bitten and kicked, and listening to stressed-out owners tell me what a horrible, horrible person I am–and I love it. Why? God only knows, really. I just do. It feels right to me. And that’s how parenting is. You clean up poop and piss and puke, listen to them screaming “I hate you!” when they’re mad, make sacrifices of time, energy, and money, put in an eternity of worrying and wondering–and you love it. Because it feels right.
Of course, it doesn’t feel right for everyone, and those people should absolutely not have children. But for people who do…well, there you go.
Never said I never would want a cat or dog (I’d prefer a cat or, if not that, birds). Nor have I said I would never want kids. I’m just curious as to what drove humans to crave kids so much.
There are other issues that face me other than finding the right woman - I don’t think I was made for marriage with a woman. gasp shock (If you met me, it would be soooo obvious why.)
I think criscya said it quite right: it’s not something I’d be able to grasp until I have one of my own.
I love all your responses so far (well, the ones that don’t call me an idiot anyway)!
WRS
I gotta ask, what do you look like?
I never wanted children and I am a 38 year old, almost twice divorced woman. I think much of the reason I never wanted children is because I know my mother and father regretted having children. My mother flat out told me and my sister if she could do it all over again, she’d never have gotten pregnant. Her marriage was horrible.
I don’t think my parents found much joy in parenting and they also complained loudly about every dollar they had to spend to raise us. I was encouraged to be anything I wanted to be until I was about 14 years old. Then they realized one day I would turn 18 and really wanted to go to college. They were at least polite enough to let me know then, that they couldn’t pay for college. I was stupid, no one told me about grants or scholarships or cared enough to help me explore those options. At age 18 I was an extra mouth to feed and they were happy the day I left home.
I have no children and I don’t feel any hole in my soul for not having them. I’m happy being alone and I may be done with the dating scene also. Life is very good now.
Kids *can[/] be all of those nasty things listed in the OP, but they typically are not. just three(there are many more) of my personal reasons for wanting/having kids:
The biological reproductive urge - it’s real, it’s part of me, I acknowledge it and I choose to indulge it - I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t exist any more than I would pretend I’m not hungry at dinnertime.
They are small humans - you get to witness, first-hand, and participate in the formation of a sentient being.
They can be great fun - OK, it can be hard work sometimes, but when it’s fun, there’s nothing else like it - they laugh at my jokes (and make me laugh with theirs) - they feign embarrassment when I pretend to be a chicken (and entertain me with their own silliness) - they marvel at my meagre talents (and give me genuine moments of awe and pride when I witness their bursts of insight and achievement).
That’s a tiny part of why I wanted kids and why I am glad I have them. I wouldn’t dream for one moment of trying to convince anyone else that it’s a good idea for them, but for me, it was absolutely the right thing to do.
One’s offspring are an excellent source of compatible organs.
Well, to be more direct, I was not made for a marriage with a woman. Hint hint.
I can see how you may not have the child-rearing desire, Ravenous Lady. Your example actually helps me a lot - it seems quite a bit of the desire also has to do with how one grew up.
WRS
There is another reason. Kids take you to places you’d never go yourself. I’d never have gone to a horse show if not for her daughter (and see her jump without cringing) and I never would have made it to a TV set if not for my other daughter.
But the one thing you’ll miss is the joy of holding your baby in your arms for the first time. There is no experience like that in the world.
See now my arms are too full of disposible income.
Mangetout, if you don’t mind, could you please try and explain/describe what this urge feels like, and how you know its a reproductive one (as opposed to a tummy ache, or the urge to screw, for example). You’ve got me all curious!
I’m not Mangetout but I’ll chime in with what I felt. When my husband and I were dealing with infertility issues I would wake up in the night with an emptiness inside so deep the ache was physical. I’ve never felt anything like it before or since. Like I was missing something fundamental inside of me and that no matter what else I ever did I couldn’t fill it.
Tanookie, thanks for responding. A further question, if you don’t mind? That physical ache of emptiness, did it occur once you decided/while you were deciding to have kids, or did it occur once you knew you had fertility problems and it may not be possible to have your own biological children?
If you expect kids to act up, be disrespectful and disobey, guess what? They will. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Most parents, I’ve discovered, parent-by-habit. With the emotional baggage handed down to them by their parents. They parent the way their parents do because they a) don’t know any better b) Figure that is the way it is done and all parents have rotten misbehaving children and screaming/spanking your kids all the time is just how it works. c) figure that since they themselves were rotten kids to mommy (because mommy put no boundaries on kids or mommy was parenting the way grandma parented her) allow their children to behave in the same fashion with them.
In contusion, 1) Most people probably shouldn’t reproduce. 2) Everyone needs therapy.
That said, I wanted kids to share my love of reading & hobbies with someone and I enjoy brainwashing my progeny on the evils of consumerism, organized sports/religion/politics and naturally, the reasons why every parents has a child: in hopes that they become the next supermodel/NFL Quarterback/Steven Speilburg and become wildly rich so that they can support me in a lifestyle that I would like to become accustom too.
What?
Oh, like all the other parents are thinking of ways of capitalizing on their own child’s cuteness to pad the IRA.
I knew I wanted to be a mommy even as a little kid. When I was a teenager I had to make a choice to potentially sacrifice my fertility to save my life. When I finally found the man I wanted to spend forever with the true impact of my earlier decision hit me very hard. I almost didn’t marry him because I felt that if I couldn’t give him children there was no point. (Yep - gotta love that guilt thing that was drilled into me)
It was here that I felt the emptiness the most. Eventually we worked out a plan towards adopting kids if they didn’t come on their own. They did come though. Loud, messy, expensive and the most amazing experience of my life.
It sort of tiptoes around the edge of my consciousness and is actually easier to feel than to describe (so you’ll have to understand that these descriptions are mere shadows of the real thing), but it includes things like wanting:
- to continue my family line
- to (sort of)create something in (sort of) my own image
- (this one is difficult) to provide for an entity that would otherwise be helpless
- to be a respected and admired provider/protector
Hmmm… that was even harder than I thought; there was also a sort of nagging ache, the feeling that something very specific was missing.
Interestingly, this seemed to me to be quite a distinct set of urges to those related to sex (I’m sure a psychologist would just laught at me for saying that, but I’m only describing what it felt like from the driver’s seat).
Crikey, I made a terrible job of describing that.