Why do people want to have kids?

In My Humble Opinion
1

This question has been burning in me for a long time now. Time to let it out, and see if someone can adequately guide me.

Towards the end of my marriage, I had come to the conclusion that having children would be disastrous. My wife and I had totally different theories on how to raise children, and she basically told me that if I wanted to raise my children according to how I saw fit, I had better be prepared to do everything to raise them because she will refuse to have any part of it. Otherwise, I am to shut up and let her raise them as she sees fit. We were both adamant that each other’s paradigm was just plain wrong and harmful. Anyway, that’s not longer a problem - we got divorced (on other, equally serious problems).

During that time, I had come to question why people want to have kids. So, tell me, folkses, why do people want to have kids?

First, kids are nothing but a drain on one’s financial, emotional, and spiritual resources. They take and take but never return. They are thankless, never see what sacrifices are made for their comfort and joy and prosperity. They think they know better, disrespect and disobey their parents. They dash their parents’ hopes and aspirations, seeking to fulfill their own dreams. They disappoint their parents. And then they see to move out, move away, be on their own, away from the people who raised them from infancy. They bring nothing but tears, worries, anger, disappointment, sorrow, and sadness. Not to mention the financial side - parents keep doling out money for their kids with hardly a thanks or acknowledgement then or later. And despite all this, parents’ lives revolve very much around their children: kids take over their parents’ lives, personalities, priorities, hopes, and aspirations with nothing but failure for the parents. (And let’s not bring up how parents tend to blame themselves if something is wrong with their child, never mind the fact that parents are not omnipotent as far as how their child turns out or what happens to them.)

Why men want children also escapes me. They keep men tied down. There is not that amazing link that exists between a mother and her child. A child steals a man’s wife away from him. (I am not a woman, so I cannot speak how children would detrimentally affect women in ways they do not affect men.)

So, seeing the above, why do people still want kids?

WRS

2

Good grief, I’m glad I’m not your mom. Your parents must have had a horrible time if you did all that to them.

I think most people want to have kids because humans are, when it comes down to it, animals. In general, there is an innate desire in people to reproduce. I’m not saying everyone has that desire, but for those who do, I think it’s a largely inexplicable urge, more than anything else.

I really don’t agree with this. Speaking as a child, I know that I’ve given my parents boundless joy - when I delighted at a puppy, when I laughed at my dad’s jokes, when I “helped” my mom do her hair, when I beamed with pride at a good grade I received, when I graduated college, when I walked down the aisle toward a good man, when I handed my son to his grandfather for the first time.

Speaking as a parent, I’ve been the recipient of boundless joy, in only the 15 months since I’ve known my child - when he beams at me every morning when I get him from his crib, when he turns to me out of the blue and kisses me, when he laughs uncontrollably every time I “fake hiccup”.

I don’t know, diapers are sort of expensive, but I’m having a hard time seeing the downside to this parent thing.

That’s me, though. If you don’t want a kid (and it definitely sounds like you don’t), then don’t.

3

Just out of curiosity, what were the differences between how you wanted to raise children and how your ex wanted to? I’m interested in how your view of kids intersects with your child-rearing theories. Also, are you playing a little bit of the devil’s advocate, or do you really think there are only negatives to having a child?

4

Gotta agree with C3…

Having a little person sit on your lap and play with your hair and hug you tightly and say “Love you mo much mommy” is the most amazing experience. Worth all the night feedings, diapers…

Also - I’m raising my children to stand on their own as adults one day. This means they will leave home but I am viewing that as a positive and not as an end to my parenting. I will always be their mother. I hope to help them set up their first apartment, plan their weddings, celebrate their career choices, have their children…

Those teen years can be rough. I expect strife. I also hope for a light at the end of the teenage tunnel.

I approached parenthood looking forward to the rollercoaster ride.

5

I was going to respond to the OP in disagreement, but I find that C3 has said what I was going to.

There are lots of reasons people propagate, most of them positive. Amongst the relatively negative reasons are lack of choice, a need or desire to pass on the family name, and to please their own parents by providing grandchildren.

The main reason for me was to have someone more to love and be loved by. This has held true even during the teen years when they seemed to want to give me nothing but grief and did not want to admit to having parents. Sure, it has been work, and a job that is done only by amateurs who make a ton of mistakes, and never, ever ends. But the joys, to me, outweigh the problems and it is something I’ve never, ever regretted.

That’s just me. I am the first to say, if you don’t want a child, do not have one if you can avoid it. I’ve certainly known of cases where a child was a complete “surprise,” and everything turned out fine for all involved.

6

My grandparents raised five children in four rooms in a brownstone in Brooklyn during WWII, with the upstairs rented out. My great-aunt raised six boys in a row, and they had to sleep in shifts on the couches and front porch. I was born ten months to the day after my parents were married, while they were living in a studio, and my brothers and I were raised in a two-bedroom apartment–one room for the three of us, one for our folks. Back then, of course, you just usually automatically had children without agonizing over it–as many as the Lord would send, said Grandma (she and her sister were from an eight-kid brood themselves, and the two youngest are still alive up in Canada.)

Every single one of us kids went to college. Each of my mother’s family and her cousins lived at home and went to good schools on scholarships, half of them, including her, earned Master’s Degrees, and each one is more successful than the others. Our family gatherings rang with the laughter of children and new faces as each kid brought a girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancee, and finally new wife and husband and their little ones. There wasn’t much money usually, but usually every adult ended up with kids crowded around them, thrusting presents at them to get them to open theirs first.

My grandparents and great-aunt had as easy old ages as their health allowed (and they all lived to ages 88-94, only getting infirm in their final year or so), as their children and grandchildren surrounded them with every comfort they could buy them. They all lived at home as long as they could, and thanks to their children didn’t have to worry about losing their homes or not being able to afford attendants or nursing homes at the end. When my grandmother died, I remember the time when we all had to go up and say goodbye to her in her coffin before it came out, and how we couldn’t leave the room, crowding in the back weeping, and how my grandfather, who’d been married to her for fifty-nine years, got up, smiled, and gave a great speech that let us smile and let her go. My mom was there to close his eyes and pray over him when he died four years later. My great-aunt’s six sons carried her coffin as it was piped out of the church in Brooklyn by a Scottish bagpiper. All of my grandparents had police escorts for their funeral corteges to the cemetery thanks to their cop grandchildren.

We squabbled all the time, but nothing serious, no long-term estrangements or anything. The answer to every fight was, “Who cares, we’re family.” We last got together in great numbers at my brother’s wedding in August–my brother got enough money from them to pay for the wedding and help with the down payment on a house.

Maybe it was an immigrant thing, or a crowding thing, but frankly I think we were closer to the norm than your family. I sure hope so. If your attitude doesn’t change, though

7

Why did I want children? Because even though I gave a good portion of my heart away to them when I conceived them, they bring me more joy than anything I can possibly imagine. How much money I fork out to raise them is pretty much a non-issue when you consider the fact that either of us would quite literally take a bullet for them.

That being said, having children risks bringing more stress to an already fractured relationship and will only magnify differences in personalities and values. Bad idea. I’m glad you were mature enough to hold off once you discovered you weren’t getting along.

Wishing you peace in the coming months. Sorry about the end of your marriage.

8

I’m glad I’m not his kid.

Yeah, kid’s are pricey. And, to be a parent, you do make a certain amount of sacrifice. And yeah, some kids don’t always appreciate their parents while they’re still children. I was a total pain in the ass to my mom, and she had three kids before me. And she loved and cared for each and every one of us. We have a great relationship, and I do understand and appreciate the things she did for me and my siblings.

This thread isn’t going to tell you anything. I started a thread similar to this (about marriage though, not children) years ago, and I was basically told, “Hey, we can’t tell you. You’ll know when/if you get there.”

I have no idea why I chose to have my son, but I can tell you right now that he’s the best thing in my life. I wouldn’t change anything that led me to be his mother, and I wouldn’t change a thing about him or the last 18 months of our lives together.

As far as him taking everything without return, that’s not true. I can’t expect him to get a job and buy his own diapers, but his laugh and his smile, and the curiousity that I get to see everyday, and the knowledge that I get to raise this little person to be a good man one day (and a list of things a million miles long) are pay back enough for me. Do you think I should keep a tab and charge him when he’s 18? Do you think my parents ought to present me with a bill for 18 years of work? I should hope not.

9

–yikes–I meant to say that if your attitude doesn’t change, then please seek a woman who feels the same way. I remember how wistful my great-aunt Irene, who was unable to have children, and her husband were at the parties. It would be cruel to deny someone else the chance at immortality–because it is a form of it, as we all came from the same gene pool and as long as Mom walks around, her parents are alive.

10

My uncle had the attitude of why should I be tied down. He’s now in his forties and regrets not having settled down. Sure he can go anywhere he wants, do anyone he pleases and not worry about any responsibility. He’s just not finding it very fulfilling anymore. He’s actually a very miserable man.

As for why I want children, I know it will make me happy. I want to be able to share with my child all the things my mother shared with me. I don’t question why it makes me happy. If I did that with everything that did, I’d end up depressing myself.

11

First off, there is an amazing link between my children and me. Half of those chromosomes are mine.

Which leads directly to the second point. If a man is defined by what he does, then what better to do than raise a child, teach them and watch them grow up to make their own contributions to society.

I don’t feel like my children tied me down nearly as much as a career. My children were a relief from work, not a second job.

And my kids are all away at college now. So even if they stole my wife, I got her back.

12

Jesus. I don’t ever ever ever want to have kids (and neither does Mr. S, fortunately), and yet we can still see why other people want to have them, as eloquently explained above. Like any undertaking, there are drawbacks and rewards. Happy parents find that the good outweighs the bad (which is not as God bloody awful as the OP thinks it is. I say again: Jesus!).

Kids steal a man’s wife from him? Please. I thought children had TWO parents.

I hope the OP has had a vasectomy, uses condoms, AND has sex only with surgically sterilized women. God help any child he might create.

13

I have zero desire to have kids, but I can understand (intellectually, not emotionally) why others would.

If you really want/enjoy/love something, all the not-so-shiny aspects just do not come close to even touching the huge positives for that person. It doesn’t really matter what the topic is, parenting, marathon running, cheese making, elephant poo-cleaner, becoming a nun, etc, the negative aspects just do not rate, because the gains are so desirable to that person.

What I don’t understand is those that do not have that overwhelming desire/love of parenting, yet go ahead anyway, because oops or “it’s what you do when you grow up”. But that’s another thread.

14

Whoa, whoa, whoa - let’s hold off on the personal attacks, eh?

I love kids to bits. I actually love babies and kids far more than they like me. I have had people scold me for being too soft on kids - but if a kid will hang out with me or want to play with me, I can’t resist. So it’s not like I think kids are in and of themselves awful.

As an aside: my ex-wife comes from a very backwards and superstitious background. (This was not something we knew when the marriage was arranged.) She wanted to raise any children according to the superstitious and illiterate (from the perspective of me and my family) ways she came from. (She derided my family’s ways, called us arrogant and impious and superficial and a whole lot of other things, simply because we refused to adopt her ways, and because we believed in embracing America rather than living in an invisible ghetto.) Considering my ancestral legacy - one of scholarship, learning, rationality, thinking, reason - there would be no way I would allow a child of mine to be raised in an environment that goes against what I know would be in their best interest. As someone remarked, “The great-grandchild of [grandfather] and grandchild of [father] - raised by someone like her? It would be dishonor!” A very respected elder in our family remarked soon after the divorce, “Where she came from, where we are, there was no way it would have worked out.”

To be fair, I can see how she would view my designs as harmful and detrimental to her children, which is why I never said I would force my ways on her. If some compromise could have been worked out, perhaps something could be done. But it was not to be.

Now . . . my parents are very clear why they love having children. Despite the grief we have given them, we have given them much joy and nachas, to use a Yiddishism. We make them proud. They take pride in us. And we show we love them very, very often.

Within me there’s a battle: part of me irrationally wants a child, but another part of me wants to be cautious.

Regarding finances - this concern is not so much from an accountant’s perspective as much as it is from the perspective of how difficult and expensive it gets to raise a child in today’s world. It’s difficult to provide for a good, high level of quality of life, what with good schools, good neighborhoods, good colleges, etc. Not to mention good clothes, toys, entertainment paraphernalia, etc.

Also, I have witnessed a lot of suffering in people around me regarding children with medical issues. Now, any person with serious medical issues is a cause for concern, but when it is one’s own child, I imagine the grief, worry, concern, and despair would be unbearable. It’s never possible to predict what will happen, or to protect kids from such harm.

Also, it seems freedom for kids may not be as cheery for the parents. In the culture of my ancestors, there is no such freedom. Parents decided what occupation their children would do, whom they would marry, etc. Everyone lived together under the watchful eye and wise mind of the family elders. So, there would be no despair from a child choosing something unwise for a career, or marrying the wrong person, or making some other importance life decision without consulting or listening to them. Such disobedience or failure hurts badly, I suppose, when someone’s built up so much for their children and it’s thrown away. Freedom is good for the developing person, but not good for people who have expectations, desires, and aspirations.

Small anecdote: while sitting in an Orthodox Church today, I sat by a little girl. At one point she leaned on me, said something, then sat back up. It was a very nice feeling - but I ignored her. It’s a cultural thing, kind of: her mother was without a male, and so I felt uncomfortable, as a male whom she does not know from Adam, dealing with her child without her knowledge or permission.

Another anecdote: There was this kid named Jordan who was the son of a new convert to the Church which I belong to (not Orthodox). I would freely take him, and he’d come to me (which is something out of the ordinary). After a few times, he’d want to stay with me rather than go back to his mother. Once I was to give a talk at Church and so sat in the row of chairs behind the podium facing the congregation. Throughout the time, Jordan would come up to me, sit in my lap, then get down and crawl down the stairs. Then he’d crawl back up to me. Many in the congregation looked in amusement. (Babies and children are very common in services of this Church, so having one crawl around was nothing new.) I miss Jordan.

sigh I suppose evolutionally we are hard-wired to want and adore kids. But rationally, even kids are humans, the source of misery and joy, pride and disappointment. I suppose the reason for having children differs from age to age. At one time it was so that the family could survive. At another it’s a family honor, passing down the name issue. Now it’s because of nice fuzzy feelings. From above responses it seems that it’s nothing that can really be put to words. Having one’s own kids is a very, very, very large responsibility.

WRS

15

I think anyone who puts this much thought into parenthood (as opposed to all these people who just do it without much thought at all) might just turn out to be a pretty good parent.

16

…

Your rant about all the miseries children cause their parents seems to belie this statement (you seem to have gotten the message). Children have their own ways of showing that they realize what the parents are doing for them. After leaving home four of my children have expressed their appreciation for the sacrifices (as you refer to them) that my wife and I made. One has not, but we do not blame ourselves for the way she has turned out.

As to your statement on finances, I was reminded when at the age of 42 I faced the decision of whether or not to adopt twins. That was 23 years ago and no regrets and the finances were never a problem.

Actually, it sounds like your problem has more to do with finding the right mate, rather than the question of whether or not to have children.

17

I think that’s the point. It is an incredibly huge responsibility. And to have handled those responsibilities to the best of your abilities, and then to see your children become good, upstanding citizens is a feeling of accomplishment that cannot be matched. I’ve done a lot of good things in my life (career, marriage, etc.), but nothing matches the pride I feel when I see my children doing well in their lives. Of course, there were no guarantees when the children were born, but isn’t that true about most things in life? I must also say it’s not just the end product that makes having children all worthwhile. The trip along the way was a lot of fun too. Strange how one remembers all the joy and little of the pain and anguish.

18

Who else are you going to be a burden on when you get older?

19

I know how you feel. When I was in my early 20’s, it was impossible for me to even comprehend what it would mean to be a father. I understood the world using only the concepts I was familiar with. I now realized I did not have the capacity at the time to understand the feelings which are experienced. I don’t think I acquired that capacity until I had children of my own to love and care for.

I could just imagine the current me in 2004 trying to explain to the 1990 me how playing volleyball in the backyard with your kid, going to the grocery store, then going to get some pizza can be one of the greatest days of your life. I can imagine the 1990 me staring at the 2004 me and saying something like “I don’t get it, that sounds really cheesey and kinda stupid…In no way is that better than that time that you met that girl in Paris, or when you went on that great ski trip, blah blah blah”

Point is, after you have kids, what makes you happy changes a lot, and it is hard to understand until you are there. I am not saying go out and have a kid to see how it feels, but I just wanted to give you some food for thought.

20

So, are you going to be one of those guys that you read about in the paper that no one realizes is dead until the neighbors complain about the stink?