I have a friend who is going through this, his ex wife is becoming belligerent with him and telling the daughter stories about how evil he is. does anyone know of a webpage that lists the major reasons why someone would do this type of thing?
They have joint custody so i don’t know why she’d want to pull her away from him, they both have custody.
In his state, i think a child can declare which parent they want to live with when they are 14, and i think she is about 12 or 13 now. So that may be the reason, but who knows.
perhaps this goes on another section of the board (IMHO maybe). I am just wondering if there is a recognized list of psychological reasons or subliminal goals people have when they engage in this sort of behavior.
Well, if the divorce happens because the two people don’t like each other anymore, they may do anything to get back at the other party. Turning a kid against one of their parents is a very effective way of harming someone.
It is, indeed. But it’s awful for the kids. Trust me, I’ve been there; my mother would do anything she could to try turn my sister and I against our father, to the point of making us phone him up and forcing us to say dreadful things to him. But he knew. He could hear her in the background. It was definitely a power trip for her.
I think that parents do that because their hatred and need for revenge is so strong that it overcomes their good sense. I think that only people who have loved each other a great deal at some point can hate that much.
Your friend’s attorney may need to write Mums a letter telling her to knock it off and put the needs of their children first. The child has the right to have good feelings about each parent without interference from the other.
Been there, done that (as the child). As has already been said, they want to hurt the ex-spouse as much as possible regardless of the consequences. It’s a scorched earth policy.
Generally speaking, I think it’s done to hurt the other person (adult) in the relationship.
It’s a selfish and childish thing to do. However, sadly, many adults behave selfishly and childishly when their feelings are hurt. Or they’re mad. Or someone has made them feel bad.
It’s a shame, and it’s disruptive to children, but it seems to happen a lot. It’s amazing, when the chips are down, how few people choose to take the high-road.
I know how hard it was for me to bite my tongue and not make comments about my ex- when my son was present. I just tried to keep in mind that my son’s health and happiness were more important than my need to vent, and that it probably wouldn’t change the circumstances anyway.
But, oh, did my friends hear about “The Lamprey[sup]TM[/sup].”
People who aren’t married do this too. I think that they teach kids to not like their old partner because they want to feel they made the right decision about not being eith them & if they feel nice about them, then they won’t feel as if they made the right decision to not be with them.
Some kids play the folks against each other too, esp. if they aren’t talking.
I guess the short answer is that they hate their ex more than they love their child.
I knew a mom who’d braid her daughter’s hair as tightly as she could twist it for her weekends with dad, so that the little girl would be as irritable as possible. I don’t know if she though up this trick, or it just worked out that way as she prepared her daughter while in a bad mood.
I was searching for answers as to why my daughter’s ex was trying to turn their daughter against her and her family. He is doing a great job of it also. I found this article that explained everything. Hope it helps others out there.
Speaking as someone who’s parents divorced when I was a kid, but didn’t ever pit us against the other, and someone who’s seen a lot of parents who did, all I can say is that it comes from being a very selfish, petty, narcissistic, sort-sighted, and genuinely all-around ignorant person who probably should never have had children to begin with…
Oh and the serious answer is that the children are the only way an ex has to hurt the other. The sad part is, it’s the children who end up suffering the most. I would be more than happy to recount the incidences I have gone through, but I don’t feel like getting depressed tonight.
“Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.”
When you dislike someone so much, even if you are trying to make nice, it can shine through. I try very hard not to say a bad word against my children’s mother in front of them. But I do catch myself slipping up from time to time. And I am far more open with my friends and such. With adults I can expect them to take my views a bit skeptically.
For someone less conscientious it would be pretty easy to just be overly open and honest. For a lot of parents they aren’t “trying” to turn the kids against the other parent. They are just cluelessly parenting the same way they live their lives.
Its always fun to see dead posters in a zombie thread.
It is very hard not to tell the kids the truth about their mother. But I bite my tongue and try to set a good example for them. Hopefully by the time they are adults they’ll understand the truth.
Knowing how my ex is and how I have witnessed her many times cluelessly talking about things the kids shouldn’t hear while they are in earshot, I doubt I get the same consideration from her.
Since this thread was started a long time ago and several of the original participants are no longer with us, I’m going to close it. Those interested in continuing the discussion can start a new thread in IMHO.
