Why do you think you're ugly?

In My Humble Opinion
41

This is extremely tangential, but I was talking to my mom a while ago, and I said, “You know, now that I’ve turned 30, I think I’ve finally outgrown being clumsy.”

My mom looked a bit taken aback. “I never thought you were clumsy!”

“Are you kidding? I was terribly clumsy when I was a kid.”

"What? I don’t remember that. You played basketball, and rode your bike like a daredevil, and . . . "

“Well, yeah, but I knocked things over and dropped things . . .”

“Honey, everybody does that.”

And suddenly I realised, my grandmother called me clumsy when I’d knock something over, or spill something, or whatever, and told me I needed to pay closer attention to what I was doing. She didn’t mean it to be cruel; if she dropped something, she’d be pretty hard on herself, too, chide herself for being clumsy. I don’t remember her saying it to my sister very often, but maybe I just didn’t notice, or my sister was particularly un-clumsy, or something. Strangely enough, I’d always thought of it as kind of a bond between Grandma and me that we were both clumsy.

Funny how long you can carry a label like clumsy or ugly without ever questioning it.

42

I love introspection, so here goes. I grew up thinking my face was unattractive. I thought my teeth were too big, nose too wide and stubby, thought I was too short. I was told that I was handsome by my mom and sisters and my dad a little. But misguided pot-shots by peers go far deeper than the well intended compliments of family.

Oddly, I had plenty of girlfriends growing up and had a fairly decent esteem (actually is was more ego than anything else at the time). But it was for entirely different reasons. Instead of my looks, I relied on talents and abilities to obtain acceptance from friends and attention from girls…misguided as that may have been. It served it’s purpose though in my early years, but I did learn later through some very hard knocks, that ultimately I had to find self acceptance in who I am as person, not what I look like, or how well I can do something.

And even if someone seems to be ‘fishing for compliments’ is that so bad? Isn’t it really just an outward display of an inward desire for validation? I think that is a good thing. Could anyone ever say, “I was complmented too much?” On the whole, I think compliments do more good than harm. My dad himself told me that he was afraid to complement me too much because he didn’t want me to get too proud. He has since apologized for that fallacy.
00
I’m now 38 years old, I’m comfortable in my skin, but still don’t think my face is a really attractive one. As fate woul have it, I have a visually stunning S/O, who tells me the makings of crows feet in the corners of my eyes are from smiling and are very attractive :wink:

43

Well, first off lets just say that I personally wasn’t fishing for attention or compliments in that thread. Opinions on my looks my will vary, but I doubt any could say that I was hot, and not have me consider them a liar. I would never get invited to model, I go to dance clubs constantly, and regardless of how people tell me I would have women all over me if I walked confidently and dressed nice, it never happened. I took lessons from friends I knew were womanisers, watched how they exuded confidence, and even took tips from my female friends on how to dress nicely. None of it worked. In 10 years I have had only a handful of sexual experiences, and most of those were with the same partner. I have never been in a long term relationship, and my longest one was about a month long. Women turn me down even when I am not hitting on them, and frankly I am reaching the point where I just don’t even care. Call me bitter or what.

I know I am ugly more than physically though. I tend to be picky and shallow I guess. I am a health nut and prefer a woman that at least takes care of herself physically. I work out regularly and plan on doing so the rest of my life, not for sheer vanity either, why be with somebody that is demoralizing in that area? Ok, there is more though, if that isn’t enough. I tend to have a bad attitude, and have worked on it constantly. I have made some progress, but I think medical intervention is necessary. Sign me up as another Beta-blocker consumer, as much as I hate the idea. Being angry over stupid things at work is not something attractive, or yelling at my cat because she is simply meowing alot, or just getting a strange sense of corruption in my thought patterns, a sort of constant irritation or aggitation that makes all my thoughts negative. I guess the shorthand is that I am a bitter, lonely and assholish man stuck in a cycle that I cannot escape out of, slowly circling the drain, gaining momentum as I go along.

So yeah, pictures certainly cannot convey that, and while I have never doctored my pictures in any fashion, I do take multiple ones and pick the very best ones- best lighting, best pose, etc. This tends to skew the truth, leading somebody on the internet to see a photo and think- “there is no way this guy is average or ugly.” When in fact, I am barely average, I don’t get looks from people, don’t get asked out, and definately don’t have friends that sucessfully set me up with friends.

Average looks + Horrible personality = Ugly in my book, YMMV.

44

(bolding added)

Basically what Mississippienne, said in the above paragraph. Growing up, the message I got from my parents was that I was beautiful. The message I got from everyone else was that I was ugly. And in my head, people who didn’t give birth to me, raise me, and love me are the more objective and accurate opinion.

But it’s especially the bolded part. I see beautiful women all the time, and I see how they get treated. It isn’t a matter of self confidence. I see beautiful women who are full of self loathing - and then ones who radiate (whether it’s real or not) self esteem and comfort with themselves. And still, there’s a way that people react to the beautiful people (for some reason this is the only thing I can find. I’ve read other articles that came to the same conclusions before, though. It isn’t just getting hit on all the time, beautiful people get higher amounts of what should be basic courtesy). There’s a way that people treat attractive people, and average people, and on down the line. I’m not treated as though I’m beautiful. On my best days, I may get average. Sometimes.

And for that and for many other reasons, I tend to think of myself as ugly.

45

[vent]
I was the fat kid. I’m still overweight. Someone at work last week couldn’t remember my name and called me “That chubby guy.” The other person knew exactly who she was refering to. Some of my best friends still call me “Husky” or “Chia-Gut.” I have been called more fat related names than I can possibly remember. In my experience, parents (and grandparents for that matter.) always think their kids are cute.
[/vent]
However, I remember that my little sister once wrote a story in school about about a time when we were kids and we were racing each other, and she wrote “He was standing there, glistening in the sun like an Adonis.” That still is the nicest thing anyone has ever said about my appearance. I’m getting a little misty-eyed thinking about it actually. In the end though, I’m comfortable with myself now, and I can deal with it. A little self-deprecating humor goes a long way.

46

Men do not throw flowers at my feet. In fact, they barely acknowledge me even when they almost run me down. I’ve learned to live with it. Lesbians totally dig me. If I were gay, I’d be such a slut.

When I was in high school, my mother once said something to me–“Honey, you’re not ugly. You’re just fat.” She wasn’t wrong. But as I said in a thread just last week that I’m too lazy to look up just now, I’m happy being fat.

I think I’m ugly because I’m short and fat. I think I’m ugly because nobody wanted to date me in high school, and precious few want to date me now. I think I’m ugly because I have friends who are supermodel-caliber-gorgeous. I think I’m ugly because ten years ago I had an eighteen-year-old boyfriend who almost never wanted to have sex with me.

But I have since ceased to care, really.

At least on the outside. :wink:

47

I keep meaning to post on a pic thread - and yes, it would be in hopes of a compliment. :cool:

But aside from that fact, I don’t think I’m ugly per se. Just…big. I’m about 5’10" and I could stand to lose 70-80 lbs. I am aware mentally that I carry the weight fairly decently - it’s all spread out - not in one area. I’ve just always felt big. I’m taller and larger than the majority of my female friends and that leads to a minor Yeti complex. hehe Even when I was at my thinnest and I could see my hip bones, I couldn’t fit into anything lower than a size 11 or 13 because I actually had hips and a decent bust line. I didn’t understand until recently it wasn’t because I was fat then, it was because I am a completely different shape.

I know that I’m not ugly. In fact, I think I might even be slightly above average but because I am overweight none of that matters. I am a self-fufilling prophecy - I don’t go out because I don’t think guys will talk to me and no guys talk to me because I don’t go out - hmm! :smack:

Basically 90% of the time I’m okay with myself, 9% I think I totally ROCK, and 1% of the time I’m ready to cry when I look in the mirror. I like to vary it a bit! I’m smart, funny, bossy, and not a troll under a bridge. I know I should try to put myself out there and date a bit. I think my parents are starting to get worried I’ll never meet anyone. hehe I just haven’t bothered partly because that’s a scary thing for me because of my insecurities of weight, partly because there aren’t many well read, slightly liberal, over 6’ boys to date in my area. hehe

My parents have always been supportive but the caveat has always been whatever will be easier, I’ll be happier, etc “if you lost weight.” Not a horrible thing and probably true just in health and comfort levels but still - a comment like that really sticks. My mom never bothered to point out that I was just a lot taller than other girls my age and developing faster. I think she remembered being sort of heavy in HS and was worried I’m miss out on something - which didn’t happen, extra weight or not.

So for all this rambling, I know rationally I’m not ugly and probably most of the time emotionally. I just am unduly critical of myself because of my weight and that colors my perception.

Okay deep breath Sorry for the long post.

48

As for what I look like right now - I think I am attractive. I could stand for my boobs to be a bit bigger but hey, they say your boobs can keep growing until you are 24 so I’ll just keep my fingers crossed for that!

But…

 I was the gangly, gawky, tall skinny girl with glasses and braces up until I was about 15 or 16.  I was the nerd, the "smart one", the one that everyone wanted to have in their work group at school but that no one really wanted to be friends with.  I had friends, the same (very awesome) friends that I have to this day, but we were never popular.  We were just there.
 I remember going to family reunions and wondering what happened with me.  All of the women in my family were GORGEOUS.  All of my female cousins were so pretty and it just killed me that I was the "ugly duckling".  I remember looking at myself in the mirror wondering if I would ever get pretty like them.

And I did - it just took some time. But a person can never really get over poor self-image. Even today I wonder about the way I look, the way I act and what people think about me. I look at my younger brother who’s in that “akward stage” and remember what its like to be like that. So although I think I’m attractive, sometimes doubt still creeps into my head and I’ll go back to the days when I wasn’t so sure of myself.

49

I have certain beauty flaws, if you want to call them that: my gut could use some tightening, I can’t do a thing with my hair (well, I can, but it lasts approximately a week after I go to the hair salon), I am largely innocent of style, my skin does peculiar things, and I have wonky eyes (strabismus, and one is larger than the other).

Other than that, though, my poor self esteem is out of all proportion to my actual appearance. I’m tall, I’m not overweight (it’s just distributed poorly), most of my face is fairly nice looking, and so forth. But try as I might, I just can’t feel good about my body, nor be entirely convinced that anyone finds me attractive.

50

Well, lets see

  1. ever since i was interested in the opposite sex, they were not interested in me.
  2. i dont look good in any clothes ever.
  3. (Avoids Inside Joke), ive got orange hair and a big goofy smile.
  4. im gangly looking…

hmm… wow i thought this would be easy, but its not, i guess that ive been told/treated ugly for a long time… it just kind of fit. And now it works for me, ive become the ugly, funny guy in the circles i travel in, and that seems better than being the ugly resentful guy who no one wants to talk to…

so on the whole, i know im not that attractive, but ive come to terms with and i joke about it, which means although i dont feel ugly, i am. And im sure thats a better place to be than feeling ugly not being so.

51

At age 16, 5’11" & 135 pounds, my father made me out to be Godzilla. Ironically, as a morbidly obese adult, I became very comfortable with who I was. I don’t think I’m ugly at all. I’ve been told more than once I’m attractive, and I believe it about myself. Attractive in a garden variety non-beauty queen way. I think it comes from self-acceptance. Nothing like self-loathing to make someone unattractive.

That being said, I photograph like the north end of a southbound mule.

VCNJ~