Why does a depressed person want to remain depressed?

In My Humble Opinion
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[QUOTE=tdn]
Why is that so? I’m not disagreeing, I’m genuinely curious. It’s as if you and the “helper” are coming from completely different mindsets where communication becomes almost impossible. It’s very strange.

Anyone want to take a stab at it?
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For me, there’s a quantum issue here, which is that the depressed person is ‘irrational’ for being depressed. Some people have damn good reasons to be depressed.

As others have noted, telling me to just “cheer up” sidesteps the whole issue. As I posted one coworker told me to do this right after I filed for divorce. She didn’t know that—she just assumed I was stressed because grades were due or I had a flat tire or any of a zillion little things that can happen in life. She probably thought, ‘He’s always down about something,’ and in a way, she was right because my marriage had been going down the toilet for quite some time. I hadn’t confided that in her, either.

There’s no doubt that some people are drama kings and queens, bummed out because they got a microscopic scratch on their new Mercedes. And there are people who deal with shit you can’t imagine, but who somehow rise above it and refuse to surrender their smile. It’s impossible to tell, at first blush, what kinds of coping mechanisms or support these people have, how severe their problems are, and so on.

A better approach to use with a person like me is to say, “You seem down. Everything okay? Feel like talking? I sure hope things improve for you.” For others, if you say, “Hey, c’mon, it can’t be that bad,” people may respond well.

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[QUOTE=guizot]
I wouldn’t chastise you for using the term lazy… <snip> that’s not fair to you.
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Yes, you might be right. Maybe I do couch it in self-deprecatory terms when I’m feeling especially depressed, to imply there’s something unsavory in my character causing it to happen. I’ll think about that one.

[QUOTE=tdn]

OK, stop that. When your thoughts go that far, recognize them for what they are, and realize that you’re just being silly. It’s times like that that you have to remember that you are not your suicidal thoughts, but that you are you and that your depression is just a thing. An object. It’s less permanent than gum on your shoe.
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Well, I did stop it, I was just trying to provide an example of how very impermanent depression can be. Thanks to my trusty pal Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Cherie Huber’s ‘‘The Depression Book: Depression as an Opportunity for Spiritual Growth’’ (which features, among other things, a stick figure running around with his hair on fire) I was able to accept it and let it go.

[QUOTE=tdn]
If I may suggest, learn the Sanskrit word for “permanent”, and when you have suicidal thoughts, grab a magic marker and write that word on your belly. Giggle at the irony.
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Or maybe I could just glower at the irony. It would be like… meta-irony.

63

“Introspection is the ultimate form of aggression.”
~Wish I could remember who said that to give proper credit.

64

[QUOTE=olivesmarch4th]
Well, I did stop it, I was just trying to provide an example of how very impermanent depression can be. Thanks to my trusty pal Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Cherie Huber’s ‘‘The Depression Book: Depression as an Opportunity for Spiritual Growth’’ (which features, among other things, a stick figure running around with his hair on fire) I was able to accept it and let it go.
[/QUOTE]

Good. I’m glad that you have the skills to get past it and move on. I think you’re awfully cool – I think the entire board does – and it’s a bit disturbing to think of you having those kinds of thoughts.

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[QUOTE=tdn]
I just want to point out that there is one psychological model in which this really doesn’t make sense. Please note that it’s not a definitive model, but I think it’s pretty sound. Also note that the type of depression it addresses is cognitive, not chemical.

Life is full of stressors, and they come in many forms, but they all fall into one of two categories, hurt and loss. The vast majority are hurt. Usually there’s no real loss, unless someone dies or you get a huge bill in the mail. (Loss of a person, loss of money.) Keep in mind that these stressors don’t have to actually manifest themselves to be real. An imagined loss is every bit as real, emotionally, as actual loss. We’ve all known people that get stressed over an unwritten future, right?

A person with a strong emotional structure can usually ignore these stressors. It’s just being thick-skinned. But every now and then a stressor gets in, and we have to deal with it. When hurt gets in, it transforms into anger. When loss gets in, it transforms into fear. Those are really the only two kinds of negative emotional energy.

Hurt -> Anger
Loss -> Fear

When we get these types of negative emotions, we need to do something with them. We need to make a decision. We can either make a positive decision or a negative decision. The positive decision trees look like this:

Hurt -> Anger -> Nurturing -> Well-being
Loss -> Fear -> Courage -> Confidence

Well-being + Confidence = Self Esteem
Self Esteem = Happiness

What happens if we don’t do anything with those emotions? That is, if we fail to make any decision at all? Anger, as has been mentioned before, turns into depression. Fear turns into anxiety.

Depression != Well-being
Anxiety != Confidence

So it’s not that anxiety turns into depression, it’s more like depression’s ugly sister.
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Good job, Dr. Paul :smiley: