Yeah. See this is one of the reasons why my relationship isn’t ideal. It’s a long story involving me calling her a control freak, which she is but doesn’t see. But that’s a topic for another thread.
Reason #3426 to bring a new life into the world: So you can pawn your kid off to your friends and have a little alone time with your SO.
I don’t see a downside.
It’s like this:
They’re his family. You are just a friend. His wife? He chose to be with her the rest of their lives… didn’t exactly make that sort of public, financial, and legal committment to you, did he?
If you need a formula, it’s pretty simple: Family>Friends. Deal with it.
Let me guess. You are not in sales are you?
I’m married with a family and don’t want kids and spouses every time I hang out with my friends. If it takes a little more forethought, that’s fine with me. My daughter and step-daughters are all in high school now and I’m not interested in hanging out with my friends’ little toddlers and grade school-aged kids. My husband and I feel like we paid our staying at home on weekends dues during all those years the girls were younger. We had them young, which had its problems for sure, but now it’s great. It’s kinda hard to relate to friends our same age who are just now having babies. I can’t imagine having a toddler right now, lol, but I digress.
I agree with those who have suggested planning in advance, and making it clear what kind of night it’s going to be. And if it’s a comedy club, or you go to see a live band, you won’t have to worry about people bringing kids along. I can’t imagine a group of adults in which this would be a real problem, but then, I admittedly hang around different sorts of adults, lol.
In “things I never thought I’d say”…
+1, **curlcoat **nailed it.
I doubt that Ascenray (or anyone sane) would object to that–it’s not like you’re limiting the event type in that case, after all, but going with the spirit of it. You can be “one of the guys” even if you’ve got an innie rather than an outie.
So when someone gets married, they never do anything alone again ever? Billy Joel had something to say about that:
Well now you tell me you love somebody
And you’ll love 'em forever, you may love 'em forever,
But you won’t like 'em all of the time.
Well now you tell me you need somebody
For the rest of your life you might have somebody,
But you won’t want 'em ev’ry day.
In all seriousness, I actively worry about the few buddies I have who are in situations like Leaffan’s. That shit is uncalled for. Me, even with a 9-month-old kid, I have got away for a few weekends with the guys, and my wife’s got a week-long trip to London planned with the ladies for when the kid’s around 18 months.
And so he can never, ever hang out with his guy friends? He can never go out to a bar or concert ever again? Every movie that he sees from no on must star Spongebob Squarepants?
Does he bring his wife and kids to his job? Because family>job. Deal with it.
Of course family trumps friends, I don’t think anyone is suggesting it should be otherwise, but I don’t understand what the big deal is about a guy occasionally hanging out with his friends…away from his family. It’s not like Ascenray is asking for much. I don’t think wanting some guys time with his buddy every year or so is outrageous at all.
DING!
I hear this complaint from time to time. But I ignore it. And here’s the reason for those of you who don’t get it:
I enjoy hanging out with my family MUCH more than I enjoy hanging out with you.
Hope that clears it up.
Good for you, I guess.
I mean, I love my husband. He’s my best friend.
However, I also love hanging out with my friends. I value them very much. I enjoy hanging out with them as much as I enjoy hanging out with my husband. I see him every day, and sometimes it’s nice to hang out with other people.
Exactly. That was my point.
A friend of mine with kids is in town. I will be visiting her tonight. She’s staying with some other friends. There is no reason whatsoever that she couldn’t ask our friends to watch her kids (she even brought her 15-year-old niece along, who is perfectly capable of babysitting a 3-year-old and a 6-year-old). But she won’t. We won’t be going out for a drink and to just talk later. Every damn social meeting must involve the whole family. I like her kids. I enjoy playing with them. But after many people have kids, they start running around as a unit; it’s like they’ve given up the idea that they are individuals.
I’m all for families doing stuff together. I don’t think parents should be running out the door to happy hour with their single friends every five minutes. But I’m right there with the OP: Good lord, could you just once get a sitter and do something by yourself? Your kid will probably still be there and breathing when you get back.
Yeah, I do. That’s why I wear black to baby showers. Because I know that’s the last time I’m going to see my friend for about 20 years. I just write 'em right off and stick with my childless friends.
If your friend wanted to spend “guy time” with you w/o his wife and kids around, he’d find a way to make it work. He’s just not that into you.
Or he has a control freak wife.
I don’t understand this. At all.
You are an adult. You are not powerless. You have options.
There is couples counseling. There is standing up for yourself even if it leads to conflict. There is figuring out that it’s not working and moving on to a non-control-freak spouse.
But just putting up with it and then complaining about it…as if you are powerless to change the situation? I don’t get this at all.
Been to counseling. Anyway, it’s a long story and this isn’t my thread. I don’t understand it either, and I don’t plan on leaving my kids. Yet.
The thread doesn’t have to be all about me. In fact, I hope it’s not. I’m happy to see others riffing on the theme.
To a certain extent, yeah. But every single minute of every single day, every week and month and year for the rest of your life? Umm, no. Just no.
DoctorJ is my very most favorite person on the planet by a very large margin and all, but sometimes I need a break from him. From him personally, or from his…boyness, or because I need a dose of unfettered intimate communication with an old friend and there are some things we just can’t say in front of him. Sometimes because one of my friends is the one in need of a dose of unfettered communication even though I’d like to bring him along, and part of being a friend to someone is occasionally prioritizing their wants and needs over your own. If you can’t/won’t do that, not even once a year, you’re a lousy friend.
Obviously not everyone feels this way. I don’t get tired of hanging out with my husband. We’ve been together for 13 years, living together for close to 10, and I haven’t needed a break from him yet (we do work apart, however, so maybe that’s like a break). Some people just don’t. It doesn’t make them better or worse people, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.
If Ascenray’s friends don’t care about a close friendship any more, but see more as “part of the group” rather than part of their inner circle, he’s going to have to deal with it. He can’t force them to make him a priority.
I’m guessing they may not see the friendship the same way he does. If they see him as an old friend they get together with as a group, they probably don’t see anything wrong with not getting together one-on-one, especially if they have similar friendships with their other friends with kids. It’s more of a family friend than a personal friend thing, and it doesn’t sound like he’s even mentioned to them that it’s not what he wants.
Ok, well, let’s see.
Before we met, I typically went out with the boys after work on Fridays for a few beers. After we met, she started coming along. Hey, it’s a pubic bar, shrug. After we moved in together she convinced me that, to save money, we should only go out on pay week. After we bought a house, well, we couldn’t afford it anymore apparently.
Shortly after we got married my wife started systematically eliminating all my “guy time.”
I used to play slow pitch a couple of nights a week, golf another night, and in the winter I went curling once a week.
Could I please give up slow-pitch since there’s work to be done around the house? OK. I capitulated and stuck with 9 holes of golf once a week.
Then the winter came, and we now lived in a rural area. We worked at the same company, and she didn’t like driving in the snow out to the rural parts. And I didn’t have time to go home, and then drive back for curling, so it was the next to go.
Now I’m down to golf one night a week for, like 20 weeks.
Somewhere in the middle of all of this, my best friend and best man showed up at our house uninvited when my wife was out getting groceries. GREAT! Come on in! I was out in the garage changing my spark plugs anyway. Let’s have a beer and tool around in the garage together.
Well, when she came home daggers were shooting from her eyes. She made my friend feel very uncomfortable and he left. That was 16 years ago and he’s never showed up unannounced again.
Shortly thereafter we had two kids and the lock-down began.
To be fair, a lot of my extracurricular activities included beer. I’m not talking shit-faced drunk, but going out and doing something, and having a few beers. She does not like this and everything she’s done for 17 years has been an attempt to make me not have a few beers. I got this almost from the beginning.
Me saying I’m going over to my buddy’s house just to hang out, would inevitably mean drinking beer. If it was a family thing, BBQ, where she could keep an eye on me, no problem. And 100% of the time I’m the driver.
If it’s a pre-planned event that is only a guy thing, it’s like pulling teeth, but at least we have time to discuss it, discuss what’s going to take place, and discuss how much it will cost, and how much alcohol (if any) might be involved. I have to plead my case ahead of time and negotiate every detail.
This has been my life for 17 years. Maybe your friends are in a similar situation?
It’s not fun.
On the other hand if she wanted to go out without me, naturally I would be thrilled. But that never happens. She has no life and has made sure I don’t either. Yay me.