My wife and I have been married for 8 years & together for 10. With a 2-year-old, we don’t get to go out very often. When we do, I’m always perfectly happy going out as a couple. I had my fill of going out with the guys long ago. My wife, OTOH, likes going out with her girlfriends now and then and tying one on.
She doesn’t have a drinking problem or anything, but I’ve never been a fully trusting person…she’s known that from day 1. I usually get pi$$ed off when she decides to go out and tells me I’m not invited (usually not in so many words). We love each other, but I’ve seen many screwed up things happen when alcohol is involved that normally wouldn’t occur.
Of course, everyone needs time to themselves, but IMO going out to clubs and drinking isn’t necessary to have personal time.
I know that the standard line is, “You’re supposed to trust your spouse without question”, but I’ve always felt that if you aren’t at least a little wary, even without cause, you are a potential sucker.
I realize that I’m the one with the problem is this situation, but am I completely wrong? I’m curious how other couples handle similar situations, or if it’s even an issue. Maybe I’m just a freak!
If she hasn’t given reason for you to mistrust, I’d trust her.
My wife has regular nights out with the gals. Of course, neither of us drink, so that doesn’t come into play. But I do trust her completely, as she’s never given me reason not to.
IMHO, you’re completely wrong. If she wants to spend her personal time hanging out with her girl friends and drinking, why should you try to prohibit it? Just because you don’t like to do things on your own, she has to give it up? If her girl friends like to go to clubs, then she’s going to go to clubs if she wants to see them. What are these screwed up things that you think might go on? I’ve spent a lot of time in bars and clubs, but I’ve almost never done anything my hypothetical spouse would disapprove of.
I don’t try to prohibit it. I couldn’t even if I wanted to.
It’s not that I don’t like to do things on my own, but we so rarely have an entire evening out that I feel like we should go together.
IMO the time with friends should mostly be spent on weekends, when a sitter isn’t necessary. It’s not like I don’t think she should never fo out with her friends again.
I thought the problem was that she goes out without you and that she gets drunk. Now it sounds like you’re saying the problem is that she spends too much time with her friends and not enough time with you. Are you sure you know why it bothers you?
Well, I thought the OP was completely different than what I was expecting from the title, too. Something, here, isn’t making sense, though.
Do you work evenings, during the week? Is that why a sitter is necessary? If not, I don’t get it. If you’re going out drinking (or whatever), just because she is, I’d say you should stay home with the kids. If she’s going out, while you’re at work, then, yeah. That strikes me as a little hinky. Why can’t she and her friends go out on Saturday? That would avoid the added expense of the sitter, and the kids would be with a parent one extra night. Or, do you and your wife go out, together, every Saturday night?
I think that there is a difference from just going out and having a few drinks with friends and going out, getting drunk and partying all night. I wouldn’t care if my boyfriend were out with his buddies having some beers, but if he were getting trashed and getting into situations where ‘many screwed up things’ might happen, I would feel differently. If she’s just having some drinks with her friends, I don’t think you should worry.
Last week I went out with a guy who brought along a female coworker. Her husband doesn’t like for her to go out, so she’d lied that she was going to a friend’s birthday party to get out from under his thumb. I don’t think she had any intentions of cheating or anything, but she did take it as an opportunity to tie one on, smoke, and generally blow everything off. I doubt she’d have been in as much of a party mood if going out wasn’t so against her husband’s wishes. Anyway, don’t turn into this guy. And if you are this guy? Umm… sorry for blowing your cover, R.
Women need their bonding time with their friends, and I don’t think you should expect her to not maintain those relationships. If she ALWAYS goes out with her friends, and never with you, that might be reason to object, but if this is an occasional thing, or the evenings out are split between you and the girlfriends, I think you should suck it up and put your jealousy or whatever aside.
Clint, I’m agreeing with you here. I hate it when my husband goes out drinking with the guys. I like to put a five hour unofficial time limit on it (like if he tells me at 7:00, I say “You’ll be home by midnight, right?”) This is because I have seen him get into trouble several times before. Once he came home with his driver’s license gone and $100 missing (on top of the money he spent). If I was with him, he wouldn’t act like such an idiot.
Once he told me he’d be home at 11:00 and I should “wait up” for him. I was pretty steamed when he straggered in completely drunk at 2:30 am.
Then again, if your wife is generally more respectable than my husband, don’t sweat it.
Clint, I’m going to have to go with totally wrong. So your wife wants to have a few beers with her buddies. Why is that threatening? I’ve gone out with the girls many a night, and never wound up doing anything to be ashamed of.
It is important for couples to spend time together, but it’s also important for couples to spend time apart. I’d be willing to lay odds that an occasional stress-relieving night out with her friends makes her a better wife and mother.
Sometimes people just need a release from their normal routine. Going out with her friends, sans you, could be her way of blowing off some steam. Give the girl some slack, and don’t fret it.
Maybe you guys could work out a schedule. She would have a regular standing time to go out with her friends, such as twice a month or every Thursday. That way you’ld be prepared for it and you wouldn’t have to have the awkward “you’re not invited” talk.
I’m in an unenviable position with this sort of thing. My wife is currently living hours away in our home area with everyone we know. Even though she is always complaining on the phone that she has soooo much work to do and is soooo busy, I know that several times a week she makes time to go out and party with friends, have fun, get hammered, etc.
I have, literally, no friends left where I am now living. The closest thing to “partying” I can do is to sit around with some beers and a couple rented movies.
While I trust her (mostly), I am kinda jealous that she has so many opportunities to go out and have fun with our friends. When I do see her, she is always “too tired” or “stressed out” or has “too much work to do” to really want to do much. Along with the fact that we are, as I said, far away from friends and have to figure out what to do with the kid, I always get the short end of the fun stick.
So, Clint, at least she’s there with you and you can do things - even though she wants to spend some time with the girls.
It seems to me that there are several issues here:
You want to spend more time going out with your wife. Totally understandable. I’m guessing that if you tell her this, and are willing to do the work to arrange for it, she’ll be glad to do so.
You think that time with friends should be mostly on weekends. Why? I’m a little confused by this – is it a money issue, with the cost of a sitter being too high? Unless this point is really important, I’d let it go if I were you.
You don’t entirely trust her. Has she ever done anything to deserve this mistrust? If not, it sounds like something you need to work through on your own: it’s very unfair to burden her with that mistrust, and it can’t possibly help the relationship.
In short, I’d suggest arranging to do more things with her, but not begrudging her when she wants to go hang out without you.
You know sometimes a girl need to go out and cut loose with her friends. Drinking with my SO and drinking witht he girls are two different things. you could argue that they could go shopping or something “safe” and bond but just like alchol loosens inhibitions in other things, there are conversations that come up when girls are out drinking that might not be as candid without the alcohol. The issue seems really to be more of your trust than the outings with her friends. If she isn’t getting blaasted and staying out all night and coming home smeeling liek cologne, then having a few drinks with her pals doesn’t seem like it should be that threatening.
Also any time you do something to “get even” or to keep up like going out because she is, it isn’t going to foster trust and intimacy in a relationship. Have you talked to her about why she feels she needs to do this? And I mean really LISTEN to her without being judgemental. If it is just female bonding she is looking for, I don’t think it is that harmful. This is especially important for women with small children. We start to lose our identity as ourselves because we tend to take on all the roles of mother, wife and worker…it’s good to be with our friends and keep track of who we are but it doesn’t mean she is looking ofr greener pastures or wouldn’t be responsible in making careful decisions to keep anything happening that would be detrimental to her family.
Well, do your wife and her friends go to the type of bar where patrons routinely do body shots off each other and go home with strangers? If not, why in Og’s name would it matter that she occasionally goes out without you and ties one on?
By getting bent out of shape over this, you’re implying one of three things: you don’t trust her to be faithful, you don’t trust her not to overindulge, or you don’t trust her to continue to spend adequate time with you and the kid. Sadly, they all boil down to the same thing: you don’t trust her or the decisions she makes.
People not only need time to themselves, they need time to decompress from the stresses of their daily lives. Like it or not, you and the kid are huge joys in her life, but you’re also major sources of stress, and she needs time to get out and away from you so she can let it all out. Besides, it’s her personal time, and as long as she’s not screwing around, spending you into the poorhouse, or otherwise doing any harm, it’s really none of your business what she does with that time.
