It started when I was 9 or 10 when I began learning about biology, evolution, religion and other things. Though I went to a non-secular school, my parents weren’t particularly devout. In fact, I suspected my dad was an atheist. I never knew what “religion” his family was. He never discussed religion. Mom was ostensibly Catholic but only went to church on Christmas Eve and only when her mother was visiting.
I pretty much accepted there was a god, I guess; how much can a young person really understand such things? I was taught about Jesus and the school had mandatory mass every first Friday of the month. One of the things I remember most is being so bored I would watch with tunnel vision the priest and others, strangely far away and surrounded by a black circle, and I would not hear a word.
As I said, as I learned more about the vastness of the universe, the guesses about evolution, how things worked, the idea of a creator, father, caused the Flood deity seemed less and less realistic.
I also learned more about history, about how mankind seems always to have had some concept of a * causer[/]; that is, an explanation for how the world came to be, and how it operates. These deities also serve somewhat to ease the dread of death. From the drawings on the cave walls at Lascaux to Oral Roberts, over all of recorded human history, for whatever reasons, man as a whole has believed in a deity or deities of some sort.
And throughout time, those deities have existed only in the minds of men. Mortal men, who, when they die, no longer have a mind, because the brain firing has ceased.
I don’t understand how modern people can say the deity they believe in is The One, and all other deities throughout time and geography are not. I’m sure most Romans felt that their ideas about the deities and the stories about them were true. In fact, I’d say most folks who believe in a deity are pretty sure theirs is The One, and will fight wars to prove it.
So when all these thoughts began fomenting in my mind, I found it impossible to believe that the Judeo-Christian God I was being told about actually existed. Nothing I have learned since has made me change that opinion.