My relationship with my MIL is not awkward in the stereotypical way, I think, but it is awkward nonetheless. I think it’s more of a generational plus country-vs-city plus the-particular-people-we-are kind of thing.
Here’s a bit from last night.
Then I just turned around and continued my web surfing.
Let’s be clear, our silence wasn’t because we were offended or something (though that’s how MIL interpreted it). We just didn’t know how to respond to something so… how shall I say this?.. completely stupid and inane.
We’re all mature people who don’t let this kind of thing develop into any kind of general bad feeling. But oh man I just can’t talk to her. It always ends up in some kind of moment like this.
yes, usually in polite conversation (parties, office chit-chat, family gatherings), when someone makes a stupid but unoffensive joke, the polite response is to fake a smirk and just keep up the conversation, or if you found the joke to be especially stupid, then make some lighthearted comment along the lines of “oh that was cheesy”. Ignoring them is what you do to show that you think they’re a dork and wish they would just be quiet. And it sounds like this was your goal, but I also thought her comment was funny enough and I’m surprised that would bother anyone other than a couple currently fighting about the man forgetting something.
While what the MIL said isn’t exactly a laugh riot, it was kinda funny and just staring at her instead of at least giving a polite guffaw makes the situation incredibly awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. Really what you’re (being the general you) doing in that situation is giving her the old cold, frosty stare when she’s attempting to join in the conversation. Plus, there are few things more socially disheartening than making what you thought was a clever quip and getting stared at like you’re a bug. That would make me feel incredibly stupid and would probably result in me feeling like my hosts hoped I wouldn’t speak.
Still, not having been there, I could be completely off base.
I’m with the OP. It’s not a funny joke at all. Not that I find it offensive, it’s just not funny at all.
In order for it to be funny, you actually have to believe that the premise of the joke (men are unobservant) is true. Otherwise, the only answer to that ‘joke,’ is, “um, no, it doesn’t.”
The times when you laugh anyway are when you see the humor but just don’t find it funny. This is just unfunny.
I agree with overlyverbose that your response didn’t diffuse an awkward situation but made it worse. However, I tend to have little tolerance for humor or world views that are based on sincere and just plain wrong assumptions about ‘how people are.’
Well, I didn’t claim otherwise. That’s part of the reason I avoid speaking to her–I never know, on the spot, how to diffuse things.
You see, my instinct was just to explain to her why the premise of her attempt at a joke was off base. But that would have been even worse of course. So I just shut myself up and turned around.
Some kind of light-heartedly combative joke in return in defense of the observant-ness of men would have probably been good, but I am unfortunately not very quick witted.
Is there anyone here who both finds the comment amusing and also does not buy into its basic premises?
If so, I would like to learn from you how to find these kinds of comments amusing. That probably sounded like a sarcastic statement, but I mean it sincerely. I can’t find a joke amusing–can’t even bring myself to politely cough-laugh–if I don’t buy into its basic premises. But if there are people with this ability, I wonder if I can learn from them.
I find it’s just a bit unoriginal, though the intent was to make a slight joke “en passant” It implies a sort of solidarity between these two women, I guess, and apparently her daughter does not agree with her. Still, I think it’s no big deal.
Try doing what you would do if a stranger were saying that. Laugh, or smile, or express disagreement, whatever. I find your silence insulting. If I were your MIL, I’d tear you a new one.
I actually find this joke mildly funny but don’t buy into the over generalization. A lot of it has to do with timing. Although it wasn’t funny in and of itself, based on the story you were looking at and talking about, it was entirely appropriate. Well, entirely appropriate is generous, but it was well timed.
Also, even though I’m sure the reality of finding someone living in your closet would be far less funny, the visual I get in my head when hearing that story is quite entertaining. You know, you walk into your closet to get a pair of trousers and find someone with a cup of your coffee, happily watching TV in a barcalounger or easy chair. Maybe they even hand you your pants and you close the door wondering what you just saw. Okay, I have a little too much imagination and am too easily amused. What? My husband likes it.
Plus, even if you don’t think men are unobservant, the general cultural consensus is that they are…kind of like laughing at a dumb blonde joke. Though some men are awfully unobservant–not about all things, but it’ll take them a while to notice things like a new outfit or a different hairstyle.
It wouldn’t have gotten a gigantic guffaw from me, but definitely a titter.
Laugh out loud funny? no. Corners of the mouth turned up amusing? yeah. And no, I don’t think men are unobservant.
I think when I read it, I read it more as an attempt to be funny than as an attack on men. If it had been said with more vitriol, I wouldn’t have found it funny, nor if it was done by someone who is constantly attacking men or by someone who really firmly believes in rigid gender roles and stereotypes. Then, it’s a disturbing look into an unpleasant part of that person’s mind.
I also probably wouldn’t have found a similar joke about race, sexual orientation, or physical ability differences funny.
I don’t think you’ve understood, I wasn’t trying to be rude, (though I clearly succeeded), but rather, simply had no idea what to say. So I just didn’t say anything.
It’s not a question whether what she said was “worth” being rude about, because I didn’t want to be rude and wasn’t trying to be rude. But I couldn’t laugh, couldn’t smile, and if I couldn’t do either of these things, what else could I do besides either start an argument (rude) or just not say anything (rude)?
But that’s just it. I don’t see how particular subject matter relates to the funniness of the joke.
If she had said “That goes to show how unobservant Japanese people are,” why would that not have been funny? Because there’s no reason to think Japanese people are unobservant, that’s why.
So why wasn’t what she said funny? Because there’s no reason to think men are unobservant, that’s why.
Now, it’s likely she thinks there are reasons to think Japanese people are unobservant. But my granddad had reasons to think Japanese people are treacherous. This didn’t make it any funnier (to me) when he said anything about “damn Japs.”* And MIL’s comment is no funnier to me just because she thinks she has reasons to believe men are unobservant. There’s just nothing (for me) to laugh at in her comment.
So I can’t laugh–because I find nothing funny. Given that fact, what can I do?
I do think, as I said, a light-heartedly “combative” comeback would have saved the day. But I’m not so good at that. Is that the only options? Or are there other ways to respond such that everyone saves face?
-FrL-
*Come to think of it MIL herself, for many many years, did refuse to buy Japanese cars because “You know what they did to us in the war!” She’s softened up on that kind of thing, though. Still, maybe that kind of fact should be read into the subtext of the dialogue I posted in the OP.
Things like dumb blond jokes are funny (sort of) because no one I know actually thinks they’re representative of actual people with blond hair. “How do you kill a blond? Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.” The joke isn’t about the person being blond, it’s the image of a person trying to smell a sticker under water.
In the case of the OP, the “punchline” (or what passes for one) is the opener of the story. “Woman lives in man’s closet for a year.” Tacking on a “must have been because he was a man” isn’t funny. The joke’s already been given away and you’re (general you) trying to get a dig in at someone.
What if someone told you this joke:
“Yesterday someone tried to smell a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool and died. Guess why? Because she was blond!”
Not really funny. The focus of the joke becomes “blonds are dumb”, and not the ridiculous situation.
So, in this case, the joke had already been told, and the MIL in question tried to tack on a new punch line well after the fact in order to make a lighthearted dig at men. Poor attempt at humor, and poor form when the object of that attempt is sitting in the room with you.
You can ignore her comment and say something else to keep up the flow of conversation — comment on the closet story (since you brought it up) or change the subject entirely. Ask your MIL how her neighbors are, whatever. ditto overlyverbose, it sounds like she was just trying to join the conversation. This way you show that don’t agree with her comment (since you didn’t acknowledge it) while still being friendly to her.
Also, you know, it sounds like you actually were lightly offended by her comment, despite stating otherwise in the OP. Which is fine, but then note that she also offered a light apology, at which point the moment is over the conversation can move on.
To be fair, I also wonder why your wife didn’t jump in, it’s her mother.
I’m not really sure what it means to feel offended. I take it the idea is that you fear someone has treated you without proper dignity or something? If that’s what it is to feel offended, I didn’t feel offended. I hardly even noticed that the comment applies semantically to me until much later. I just thought it was a stupid way to try to be funny.