First of all, it really gripes me that there isn’t any sort of standardization from one kind of apple to the next. Why is it that some are mealy or mushy, while others are crisp? And the sweetness to tartness ratio is all over the place. I understand that different people have different tastes and the manufacturers are trying to build versions to appeal to everyone, but can’t they at least include instructions so we’ll know where the different makes and models fall on the twin axes of (tart to sweet) and (crisp to mushy)?
Failing that, couldn’t they choose names that provide a little information? I mean, what the hell am I supposed to infer about a “Braeburn” from that name? It’s worse than the names they come up with for cars these days. And if a name isn’t enigmatic, it’s misleading: consider the Red Delicious, which is admittedly red (albeit with whiteheads all over it) but certainly not delicious.
Another thing: the packaging is downright dangerous. I can’t count the number of times I’ve bitten into one of these deathtraps, only to have the skin either gash my gums or get lodged between two of my teeth (and forget dislodging it without using that string the dentist keeps trying to get me to use).
Then there’s the way the material they’re made of degrades when exposed to oxygen. R&D really dropped the ball on THAT little “feature.” If I want to watch something turn from creamy white to dull brown within minutes, I’ll go to the self-tanner counter at the department store.
I guess the thing I hate most about apples, though, is that they aren’t peaches. I don’t suppose I can really blame the apples for that, but still.
Personally I think apples are a liberal plot to brainwash us into accepting multiculturalism. When you think about it most fruits and vegetables are homogeneous, virtually identical from one to the other, they way god intended (ever seen any diversity among bananas? Me neither). But not apples, they have tons of ‘diversity’ and ‘uniqueness’ from apple to apple as well as from brand to brand. That is just great, that is what America needs right now, to have a large scale fruit propaganda campaign to delude us into lowering our guard against foreigners when we are at war with Al Qaeda and the Russians.
And what the hell is with those little pips in the middle? What asshole designed a poisonous substance tucked away in the middle of something edible?! I’m surprised they can even sell it that way.
It’s a fruit. If you wanted a vegetable, you should have bought a vegetable. Buying a fruit and complaining it doesn’t behave like a vegetable is just stupid.
Can I get in on this? I hate apples too, they are almost never sweet, despite what family members have lied to me to try and get me to eat it. Its like sucking on a hard lemon most of the time. Yeah, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but what they meant was if they throw it at the doctor. If you were a doctor, you wouldn’t want to be getting hit by apples everyday either would you? Guess what, an apple a day also keeps the mailman away, and the garbage men, and girl scouts too. Fuck apples