Why I hate Christmas

The entire reason is because everyone in America becomes so fucking distracted by thinking about the holidays, thinking about their plans, thinking about the gifts they need to buy, thinking about the stores they have to visit…

That they all drive like the distracted assholes that they are.

Seriously. Forty miles an hour in the left lane of a 55 zone for five miles. Sixty in the left lane of the 70 zone on the highway. People reading fucking lists of paper while they’re driving down the road.

Intersections of four lane county roads blocked solid because God Forbid that anyone should be paying attention when the lights turn green…or red. Cars blocking roads, entryways, intersections, other people who are trying to get out of their spots, because the whole rest of the world can go fuck themselves while Susie thinks about what she has left to buy her little snowflakes.

Hell, nearly getting run down as you walk out of a store because Bob is in such a hurry to get to the store three doors down that he zips through the stop signs in front of Target at 30mph.

People taking three solid days to back out of a parking spot because they’re not really paying attention, they’re reviewing the contents of the packages on the back seat while they’re facing that direction and their car just happens to be moving.

Hell, for that matter, people IN the stores acting like distracted assholes.

Look you stupid fucker, you know ahead of time that the clerk is going to ask you for money when they ring up your purchase. Stop staring into space and pull out your motherfucking wallet or purse already and get your fucking money out NOW. Don’t make them tell you your total three times before you shake your head, say “oh yeah” and start digging for your money.

Don’t walk out into the main aisle, right in front of me, stop dead and stare off into space.

Don’t take your entire clan, then walk six abreast through the mall or down the main aisle at the store. The rest of us have a right to use those spaces too and no, we’re not being rude when we attempt it. You are, by taking up the entire fucking aisle.


Especially when pushing a cart.

Do not walk two feet inside the door to the store and stop dead.

Don’t park your cart on one side of the aisle, your ass on the other, and cease all apparent brain activity. If you do, don’t be an asshole when someone says “excuse me” or asks you to move. They’re not being mean or rude, YOU ARE.

Don’t run ahead of me in a desperate attempt to get ahead of me in line for the register, remember that you forgot something, then leave your 10 year old standing in line while you go back for it. I may just strangle the obnoxious little shit and hide his body in the impulse item bin while you’re gone.

Don’t argue with the cashier about the price of something to the point where it takes 10 minutes for them to verify the price, leaving the rest of us either stranded behind your selfish ass, or scrambling to get into other lines.

Don’t absent-mindedly yet repeatedly ram your cart into my ankles when you’re behind me in line.
(Yes, one year a woman did this three times, finally drawing blood. I then threatened to ram the cart up her ass if she did it again. When the clerk threatened to call the manager, I said that if she wanted to do that, I’d also like her to call the police so that I could have the woman charged with Battery - and held up one of my bloody ankles to show the clerk what had happened. (I am that flexible) The 40-something upper middle class white woman then fled the store (walking, not running), never having said a word even though I’d said something to her each time she’d shoved her cart into my heels. Of course, to the teenage girl cashier, I was the bad guy for making the threat, even though both my ankles were bleeding pretty good and my socks were ripped.

Damn, another case where I probably could have sued someone, but didn’t because it’s not my nature.)
Believe it or not people, there are actually these entities known as “other people” who still exist at this time of year.


What, “Bah, humbug!” not cutting it any more?

I bet you’re a delight at parties.

Today, this dude on the subway stepped out of the stopped train onto the platform, and then just stood there and looked around for several seconds, completely oblivious to the car-full of people who also wanted to disembark.

I blame Santa Claus.

That’s a quality fucking rant right there. Nicely done.

Holy shit dude the stores have been open for what 4 hours now and you’re already mad? Makes me glad I slept in and came to work!

That is a lovely rant, what with the red and gold ribbons, green velvet, and little reindeer all over it. But I’m a little confused about a couple of things.

  1. For one, why does Christmas get the blame? Aren’t people idiots year-round? I’ve never noticed a statistically significant increase in idiocy in December. Is it a Black Friday thing? I wouldn’t know, I stay indoors and cower under my bed on that day, emerging only to eat the occasional leftovers.

  2. She hit you with her cart enough to make you bleed? That’s a huge amount of force there. She’d almost have to be trying to injure you. How hard was she shoving her cart?

I’ve got a three-word phrase that works year-round, at varying decibel levels, depending on the situation: “Move it, halfwit!”

Generally, the combination of the unexpected word and the total unwillingness to be polite to someone who’s shown no inclination to be polite to me work wonders. :slight_smile:

(And I second the idea that idiots are idiots year-round; they just come out in packs and herds and litters at xmas, because they suddenly lose the ability to foist their spawn off on other people for weeks at a time.)

The only stores I frequent between Thanksgiving and New Years Day are those that sell necessary food items. The stress of buying meaningless crap for people who will immediately return it makes everybody crazy. We just don’t participate, and our stress levels are non-existent.

It’s not just in America that these twerps exist you know.

We have them here in Merrie England, not as many naturally but we got 'em, by the fucking cartload.

There’s always the woman who buy 2 cwts of sprouts and then asks downtrodden henpecked husband if that’s enough because “Aunt Hettie is coming for Christmas lunch, and she likes sprout”

Yes, and I’ll bet her farts smell like rotting skunk shit.

Ho-Ho- fucking Ho!

Personally, I’ve always been fond of the people who get off at the bottom or top of escalators and stop dead just in front of the last stair, so that the momentum of the escalator causes me to run right into the back of them. Get out of the fucking way, moron!

There’s also people walking slowly and obliviously down the aisles four abreast, and the people who strategically form lines that block an entire aisle or two. Where do people’s brains go this time of year?

Malls and department stores aren’t something that I ordinarily enjoy anyway, but now I have a solid month that I won’t be able to stand going to one because it’ll be packed with morons, and I always worry that I might suddenly need something that I’ll have to go to the store for before the end of December. Dang it.

It’s the music that killed Christmas for me. I quit thinking of it as having any kind of meaning or value from a religious point of view decades ago. But you can’t go anywhere now without having Christmas music rammed down your throat. It’s on the radio, it’s on the p.a. in the store or the mall, it’s in every bloody commercial on the TV - you can’t get away from it.

It has gotten so bad that I won’t go shopping unless forcibly dragged. I got dragged today - we went furniture shopping. $1500 budget, and I lasted 30 minutes in the store. They lost a sale because of the damn Christmas music.

FWIW, Ikea does not play Christmas music. They got our money today.