Why I hate PC games (kinda long)

I’m a big video game fan, and I have to say that I have a gigantic bias for consoles systems. Recently, I’ve been playing a LOT of Timesplitters on the PS2, which is a first-person shooter from some of the wonderful, god-like people who gave us Goldeneye, and it’s had me aching for some brutal online death-match action, so I went out and bought Unreal Tournament for my PC and a dual-analog controller, which I figured would be easy enough to configure to my likings (ala the previously mentioned Timesplitters, left stick controls character movement, right stick is for ‘mouselook’…really great scheme once you get used to it).

Well, to quote Alice Cooper “Welcome to my nightmare”…it was the biggest pain in the ass to get it all working. First off, it takes forever to install the damn game…and I’ve got a 900mhz system, so it reallys ticks me off to sit and watch the install progress creep by. Once I’ve gotten Unreal installed, I go to install the software for the controller…it doesn’t take long, but makes me restart my PC twice…once after installation, and another time just for the hell of it (I thought USB and plug-and-play technology was supposed to eliminate this crap). Now I try and configure the controller…hhhmmmm this software seems needlessly complicated…wait a second, make that amazingly complicated. Well, maybe I can just program it from inside the game…that’s usually pretty darn easy, right? Okay, now I’m going to try and play a little to get used to the nuances of deathmatch in Unreal…okay, kicking ass…taking names…bots are morons…my system locks up. Crap…reboot…start again, locks up during intro…shut down system…count to ten…mumble curses…reboot. Didn’t save my progress last time…have to start all over again…that’s okay…practice is good…play for twenty minutes…system locks up. Sharp intake of breath…staring in disbelief at frozen monitor…try using Norton Utilities to unfreeze system…not responding…shut down system. Reboot…run in safe mode…system freezes…curses become noticeably audible…shut down system…go fix myself a stiff drink…watch TV to cool off for a bit.

Come back and restart…take a bunch of standard stuff out of system tray…try and play again…everything running okay…try and configure controller through Unreal…system locks up…curse loud enough to make sure the neighbors feel my pain. Okay…uninstall controller software and disconnect it from USB port…reboot…restart Unreal…play for a few minutes…crash. There’s gotta be a patch for this crap or something…go find patch…takes forever to download, even on my DSL line…stupid slow ass servers…finally install patch…says it fixed problems with joysticks (Yay!!!)…reboot and run Unreal. Finally get the game going fairly smoothly…try and configure controller…needlessly complicated still…can’t get the setup I want. Dammit…I wasted $30 on this stupid joystick!!!..mental note not to throw away packaging…maybe return it to store…fix stiffer drink.

Okay…gonna play just with mouse and keyboard…hundreds of thousands of other people play like this, so I can get used to it…play for a while with NO CRASHES WHAT SO EVER…it’s a goddamn miracle. Decide to connect to an online game…well, it seems like it can’t connect to internet games…dammit…well, I’ll try Heat.net. Gotta install their software…running into many bugs on their page…why isn’t their stuff d/ling properly???..agitation level rising sharply again…finally get it installed…gotta reboot again. Okay, fire up system one more time…connect to internet, go to Heat.net’s Unreal section, and look for a game…hhhhmmmmmmmm…Unreal games are temporarily unavailable…AAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!

Briefly entertain notion of playing through MPlayer…realize I would rather have my testicle in a vice than go through all this again…look at settings for playing internet games…figure out connection problem…HOORAH!!! Find a game…start playing deathmatch…lag…killed…lag…killed…lag…killed…lag…lag…lag…lag…dead…dead…dead…dead!!! Turn off computer…fix really stiff drink…fire up the PS2.

I hate PC games…

Windows Tech Support Haiku…

It worked yesterday,
but it doesn’t work today.
Windows is like that.