Why I tend to dislike my family

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I should probably just get over myself, but I’m sad, and I can’t really talk about this with them, so here you go.

My grandfather died on the 17th. Really, he’s my step-grandfather, but seeing as my mother has been with my stepfather for almost thirty years now, and I’m 32 years old, and I don’t know my real father’s family at all, he’s my grandfather. So anyway, he died, after being sick for several months. It was actually a bit of a blessing, as he was a man of great dignity and would not have liked what he was reduced to in those last couple of months. My grandmother was as much relieved that he was no longer suffering as she was mourning. Truly, he was a great guy–one of the most generous people I’ve ever met, acutely intelligent, and he never would have wanted to be dependent on anyone in the way he became.

So first off, nobody bothers to tell me that he’s not going to make it through the night until about an hour before he actually died. My mom tells me through IM rather than calling. I tell her in the IM that she doesn’t have to call and wake me up or anything, but to please, please, call in the morning and let me know. I tell her what time I wake up, as she’s concerned about waking me. The morning arrives, and I hear nothing. I assume that he’s managed to pull through, so I call over lunch, and am informed that he indeed passed away at 11:00 the previous night. I refrain from asking my mother when, exactly, she planned on informing me, and instead silently plan to call my grandmother and stepfather in the evening when I’m home and can have a good cry if I need to.

So I call them that night, and they’re actually holding up a lot better than I thought. My stepfather informs me that there will be no funeral service, pursuant to his father’s wishes, but that there will be a very nice obituary in the newspaper and that he’ll send it to me. A few days pass and I get no link in my e-mail. I figure they’re busy, so I go looking. And yes, there is a very nice obituary…which lists his three blood grandchildren by name, but has no mention of me, or my daughter, their only great-grandchild.

It’s as if I didn’t exist. It’s as if I didn’t matter to them. And I know I do, but damn. This really hurts, and there is absolutely nothing I can say about it to any of them that doesn’t make me look like a giant asshole.

2

My sympathies.

Details of petty greivances against my own family omitted.

But my sincere sympathies both for the loss of your grandfather, and for the family stuff.

3

I am very sorry for your loss. Doesn’t matter what the paper said, your grandfather was your grandfather.

4

Sorry for your loss and the frustration you are feeling, Drain.

5

I think that there are generally way too many people around who are always looking to take offence at the drop of a hat, constantly spoiling for a fight, but in this case you have every right to be hurt—This seems like a very callous omission to me, and I think that whoever wrote the obituary should be ashamed.

Sorry about your Gramps…

6

I’m so sorry. It must hurt a lot. Both losing your grandpa, and the omission and lack of timely updates.

7

Perhaps this thought will console you as it has me, for most of my life: friends are the universe’s apology for relatives.

While you didn’t say it per se, IMO the OP’s grievances are not petty.

8

I think the point was that the other grievances were too petty to mention in light of these not petty grievances.

9

What Eureka said. I’m sorry you lost your grandfather and hope things can get better on that front. Sometimes people need to be hit with a big clue by four - would a real big one be a “clue by sixteen”?

Askance, I don’t think the OP’s grievances are petty. I don’t think the ones I have re. not being told my grandmother had died until a week later are petty either, but going into my own story in detail in answer to the OP does feel petty… in the words of one Ekaterin Nile Vorvayne Vorsoisson not-yet-Vorkosigan, “are you trying to one-up my dead?” I’m thinking that’s what Eureka meant.

10

I don’t think you’d be an asshole at all for bringing this up. It’s a legitimate gripe.

11

If it makes you feel better, I have a similar, though not quite as bad, story.

My step-grandfather (in this case, my late grandmother’s second husband, though they’ve been married since long before I was born) passed away suddenly late Saturday night. My mom found him on Sunday morning. How did I find out? My little sister posted it on Facebook.

She didn’t wait until Mom had called the entire family, or more specifically, me. I chalk it up to a moment of not thinking as my sister is normally more sensitive.

12

Sorry to hear of your loss, Drain Bead.

Petty or not (though I don’t think so), your feelings are your feelings; go ahead and own them.
I applaud your restraint and maturity in realizing that complaining now would do no good during an already tough time for your family. Depending on your relationship with your mother and stepfather, though, you might consider bringing it up during a quiet moment at some later date, just to clear the slate. This is the sort of thing that can eat at you for years, and your family could have no idea they’ve hurt you. Your call, of course.

13

I didn’t mean that the OP’s grievances are petty–the grievances I started to type out were too petty for the amount of energy required to type them at bedtime last night.

And if I’m wrong, and they aren’t petty, well, then we’re playing the “whose got it worse” game, which no one wins.

Nava said it better.

14

When my grandfather died, his son/my uncle gave the eulogy. He ran through the list of grandkids in order, naming everyone that was “succeeding” my grandfather.

Halfway through, everyone notices something’s a little wrong and getting more and more awkward as the names go on. “Did he just…” “I think he…nah, I must have zoned out.”

The eulogy goes on to say some nice things and my uncle sits down. Then my other uncle (granddad’s younger son) gets up and says “[Brother], that was beautiful, but…you forgot your own kids.”
If my uncle can forget to list his own flesh and blood in a family tree, it’s not outside the realm of possibility that your family just left you out accidentally, without any malice at all. I suggest that you give them the benefit of the doubt and assume it was just an accident. Dwelling on not having your name printed in the paper isn’t going to help anyone’s grieving process.

15

I’m sorry too for your loss and can understand why it would hurt to be excluded from the obituary, especially since it was the only memorial to your grandfather.

I agree with others that you could politely ask why you weren’t included. Most likely it was an honest mistake – possibly by a family member under stress. If so, knowing this will let you put it behind you. Also, you could ask to reissue the obit with you and your child included. You could pay for it yourself; it wouldn’t cost a whole lot.

16

I think in times of grief, people’s minds go on the fritz. When my dad died, for some reason, my husband was called, and he called me. Why my sister didn’t call me is still a mystery.

Then in his obituary, I was left out entirely. I’m the only one who had left home (not for any dramatic reason, I just joined the Navy and ended up living elsewhere) but we visited frequently, so it’s not like we were estranged. I think whoever was responsible wasn’t thinking at the time.

Still, it does hurt. And I am sorry that you had to deal with this. I’m sure it was just an inadvertant goof during a stressful time.

17

First of all, lots of love and sympathy coming from me to you, Drain Bead.

Second, from my personal experience, newspaper obituaries are a funny thing. My grandparents raised me from birth: they were the only parents I ever knew. But the newspaper would not put my name in the obits because I was a grandchild, not a child. The funeral home put “…who lived with her grandparents” after my name and the paper accepted it.

It could have been newspaper standards, it could have been family error, it could have been anything. You might not ever know. But he was your grandfather, and there’s a love there that eclipses any obituary notices.

Could you ask your mom? Maybe she can find out for you.

18

I’m sorry for your loss Drain Bead. I’m glad you knew your grandfather.

19

I’m sorry too, Drain Bead. While the thought that it was nothing more than grief that clouded someone’s judgement that got your name left out, it doesn’t hurt any less for you, and I’m sorry for that.

20

If you’re pretty sure they didn’t intend to omit you from the obituary, I’d ask them (politely) about it. It really could have been an oversight. You could say something like, “Did you notice that my daughter and I weren’t included in the obituary? I was a little surprised, since I considered him my grandfather.”