For this reason, my grandparents never thought I was worth much. Grandpa was a fire chief for many years. When I joined the Fire Department, he was convinced that my only purpose there was to make coffee for the guys. When I worked, he told me that my job should only be to take care of my husband.
Not only do I lack a penis, but I was also the first grandchild and I was born to their first child who also was female. Additionally, my mother is mentally ill and an embarassment to the family.
So, when grandpa died, no one told me. I got an email from my father last night, telling me that he had passed away last week and all of the services had been held. he and my mother divorced a long time ago, so he found out from my uncle, who called him yesterday.
No one bothered to tell my mother that her dad had passed away. I did that this morning.
I tried to call my grandmother this morning to, I only heard from her a week ago and grandpa was fine. But her number is disconnected. I’ve been trying to call my uncles to find out where grandma is, but no one is home.
I’m sorry you are going through this, both for the loss of a family member and for having been excluded from your extended family.
I’ve watched my wife go through this with her father and his self-imposed exile from his family. His father cut himself off from his family, too, so it’s some kind of attitude that they carry to their detriment.
The only thing I can suggest is that you work through your feelings, find a purpose in life, and keep on living. You will have to build your own family, hopefully one with unconditional love and acceptance. I had to deal with similar sentiments from my grandfather, and I’m a guy. No matter what I could have done, nothing would ever measure up fully to his standards. I finally stopped living my life for his approval, and started living it for my goals and wishes. He never understood that.
I don’t know how much of a relationship you are even interested in having with your extended family at this point; you sound pretty frustrated. Have you tried talking to them directly and explaining that you want to be kept in the loop when it comes to major family events, if nothing else? Or do you have any sympathetic cousins or something who could help you out on this?
Personally, I know my own dad is a complete spaz when it comes to keeping me in the loop. But I’ve managed to work around it to a certain extent by explaining to my aunt (his sister) not to assume that Dad has kept me informed, and to please give me a call if something major is going on. So far it’s worked out pretty well.
That is a sad situation. No matter how unraveled a family is, you should have been informed at once pf the passing of your grandfather. My own family is tightly knit and very close, I don’t know how I would have gotten through my recent surgery without them, so it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around what you are going through. I can’t say I know how you feel, no one could, but I can say I will think of you and yours, and say a prayer that things will get better. Like **Vlad/Igor ** said, you just may have to build your own family. Takee care of yourself and those you do love, we here at the SDMB will be pulling for you.
you def. should have been told right away about your grandfather’s passing. there should have been someone, even a family friend if your mother’s siblings didn’t feel comfortable, to call you right off. you should have had the choice to attend the memorial.
hopefully your grandmother is with one of your uncles and you will be able to speak to her soon.
I talked to one of my uncles on the phone. My grandmother had a very severe stroke the day after grandpa died. She’s in a nursing home now and cannot speak very well. He said that she was very confused and didn’t recognize anyone. They don’t think she’ll be around much longer.
I found my grandfather’s obit online. He died two weeks ago.
I’m afraid that I don’t have anything helpful to add. But I’m very sorry to hear that you’re having such a rough time with your family; that really sucks! You’re in my thoughts!
Dragongirl, since you now know where you’re grandmother is and in what condition, you might want to consider going to see her if you can. It won’t mean much to her, but this may be your last chance, and regret is forever. The idea of leaving a door open, as expressed by paperbackwriter, is a good one, and it will have an impact on your extended family if you’re the first one through it.
I’m sorry to hear that. It seems that even in death, your grandfather still rules. Or, his children have taken up his role at the very least. I wonder if this hasn’t been a bad dream for them as well.
Is it not a good idea because your grandmother is incapable of receiving visitors (i.e. she’s acting out, raving, etc.) or is it not a good idea because it’s you who wants to visit? Either way, isn’t this advice coming from one of the people who initially withheld news of your grandfather’s death and grandmother’s illness from you? Who cares what he thinks? If you want to visit, call the nursing home and find out whether she can have visitors, and if she can, go.
Many strange and irrational things happen around the death of a central family member. Long-forgotten slights and grievances are remembered and expressed. Express your sympathies, gently, in your own handwriting. Don’t fret if you get no reply. After the dust settles, get in touch carefully. Remember, you may be walking on very tender scabs. There are things you don’t know about your Grandpa’s life. If you knew, you might understand, but it may be better not to know.
Oh, dear. I am so sorry to hear all this. My heart goes out to you. I agree with what most of the others have already said, especially about keeping a door open. And that regret is forever, never more so than where family is concerned. I’ve learned that the hard way. And, personally, I would go see your grandmother if they (the nursing home) say you can. At least you will try, and know you did your best.
Take care of you. Do what you can, and let the rest go. Keep the door open, but don’t sit waiting for them to walk in. Treasure your family, especially those who do care. Be well. Stay safe.
That is just messed up on so many levels