Why is it I'm surrounded by morons?

Do they think I’m their leader? Now, I’m not referring to my coworkers, those who are of my station anyway. No. Instead I’m referring to the fucking moron of a project manager who can’t make up his mind to save his life.

It starts out like this: Moron Project Manager (MPM) sends out an email requesting a bit of work from yours truly. No problem. There are three bullets listed on ADD flunky’s email.

The first bullet asks for a series of reports, which have been produced in the past, to be updated with current information.

No problem.

The second bullet (which should be part of the first one) lists specific changes MPM want’s done to the reports. It is painfully obvious that this fucker hasn’t even considered what he’s asking me to do. What he proposes is to effectively multiply the number of reports by 8 (new information) and then by 5 (to break it down into 5 different time periods- which hasn’t been done before!) Fine. Fuck him. He’ll get 40 additional charts, graphs, and reports to deal with. I don’t give a shit.

The third and final bullet is what pushed me over the edge. In it he asks a question WHICH I FUCKING ANSWERED YESTERDAY GODDAMIT!!! I even attached the computations I used in YESTERDAYS FUCKING EMAIL! Christ, I don’t know what happened to this guys brain. Maybe it went on sabatical.

So I responded to him (as well as the other PM’s) that I’d be happy to create the additional 40 reports and I attached my original email with the answer to the third bullet in bolded font. Goddamn fucking idiot.

Just once I’d like the opportunity to break my foot off in his ass.

Nah. You don’t want 40 new reports. Just table the selection factors (to make them dynamic) and put in control breaks for selection and time. One single report where they only need to change the selection call each run.

(Or talk them into buying and installing Cognos™ and let them do their own slicing and dicing.)

Yeah that would work, but MPM is practically retarded when it comes to computers. The MPM wants a print out copy of the chart. I’d love to rip him a new asshole…

Goddamnit!

First the Catholic Church bitched at us, then the Federal Goverment, then the UN and now you are complaining!

FINE I’LL STOP THE GODDAMN CLONING EXPERIMENTS!

fumes

Now how the hell am I gonna make my army to rule the world.

Heh!

An Evil Overlord[sup]tm[/sup] should always have a back-up plan. I suggest monitoring the DNRC newsletter and the Pit for reports of morons, and then go kidnap said morons, adding them to your Radio-Controlled Moronic Mass of Minions (also [sup]tm[/sup]). This way, you’ll quickly and cheaply add to your forces, and will become the darling of the productive classes as you remove the idiots from around them You win twice! (none of that “Win-Win” crap for Evil Overlords!)