Open letter to the loser at work

The BBQ Pit
1

Dear Insufferable Harpy in the Office,

I have a couple of requests for you. For one, could you pretty please with sugar on it not ever, you know, like, show up to work again? Secondly, if you could please locate a couple of knitting needles when you get a chance, and kindly jab them in your eyes, I’d appreciate it, thanks so much.

In lieu of that, may I make a few suggestions?

-Change you fucking voice. My ears are raw nerves. Your voice is a Brillo pad. Ouch. Shut the fuck up.

-When you ask me for a favor, please ask directly. “tdn, can you give me a report by 3pm?” would work. Please don’t say “tdn, um, I need a favor. If it’s not too much trouble. Would that be OK? No big hurry, but could you get to it sometime this week, if it’s not too much trouble,” yada yada yada infinity, get to the fucking point already! See the Brillo pad point above.

-When you ask for a report, could you please specify, oh, I don’t know, WHAT THE FUCKING REPORT IS SUPPOSED TO CONTAIN? “I’ll get back to you” is not real specific. If you ask for a report, please trouble yourself enough to know what is supposed to be IN the report. Bitch.

-These reports take a bit of time and effort. Several hours, in fact. It does no one any good when you lose them 5 minutes later, then ask me for them again. (And not directly, of course. The hemming and hawing begin anew.) You see, there’s this wonderful invention called “file cabinets.” They are good for, among other things, slamming your head in a drawer. Repeatedly. If you need assistance in this endeavor, don’t hesitate to ask.

Directly, you insufferable pus nugget.

-When I send you an email with data that took me hours to collect, don’t delete the email then ask me what was in it. Do this again, and I will hit your nose with a phone book.

2

Ummmm, did you get the memo about the new cover sheets for the TPS Reports?

3

Um, NurseCarmen, I hate to disturb you, and I can come back later if you’d like, but this needs to be done within the next few days, or a little bit later, but sooner is better than later, if you know what I mean. We have these reports, we call them TPS reports, I’m not really sure why, can ask Paul if you’d like, but I need you to do these reports, even though I’m not really sure what’s on them. Is that going to be a problem? I hope not, because we need them by Friday, maybe sooner, but can you get them to me today, just in case? And they need a new cover sheet, I’m not really sure what that is, because you know me, I’m not really computer savvy, and I lost the cover sheet, but I have it around here somewhere, or maybe I lost it, but anyway, we need the TPS reports by Wednesday, or later, with the cover sheet that I can’t find.

That’d be great. Thanks a lot for doing this for me, I really appreciate it, it’s such a big help, I think, I’m not really sure, because as I said, I’m not really computer savvy, but Paul says we really need this, so can you get it to me by whap!

clunk

4

Sounds like somebody has a case of the Mondays.

5

“Sure, no problem. I’ll get started as soon as you give me a firm deadline and exactly what data you want in the report. And you know what, I’ll even burn it to a CD for you.”

“What? I’m sorry you lost the report… No I can’t get it for you again right away, because I have another three-day report to do. I’m really sorry you lost the report.”

<evil grin>

Vlad/Igor

6

Tried it. Didn’t work.

Oh, and Monocracy, I do believe you’d get your ass kicked for sayin’ somethin’ like that. :wink:

7

Fuckin’ A

8

Uhhhhmmmm…tdn! How’s it going? Yeah…seems that we have a little bit of a “problem”…yeah. I think maybe we need to establish a “dialog”…ummmm, yeah. I’ll just go ahead and make sure you get a copy of the memo…yeah. Alright then! Yeah…

9

I believe that’s: "somebody has a case of the mundays.

10

She sounds annoying, tdn. But I wonder how much of her indirectness is due to the fact that you’re sitting at your desk, teeth and asshole clenched, broadcasting “I’m gonna hit you with a phone book” vibes?

Not criticism; just perspective.

I have done a lot of “support” work, in a number of industries, and I know exactly the type. It’s hard to retrain passive-aggressives by enabling them with your own passive-aggressiveness.

She won’t set limits and boundaries? And steam out your ears will improve this situation . . . how? She, won’t set em, you must.

Make a checklist of info you need, if only in your head, and don’t let her go without checking all the boxes. Include a transmittal with every report you give her. Keep a copy yourself. Let them duplicate and accumulate, in case you ever need to escalate this.

Good luck.

Oh, and her voice isn’t going to change. So here’s a trick, I’m serious: pretend you enjoy her melifluous voice. Every time you hear it, be like an actor rehearsing a part: the part is, you love her voice. Trust me, it’ll work. At least a little.

11

Poop in her file drawer, and break off the key in the lock.

Then take a vacation.