So I walked outside just intime to see my 15 year old niece and 12 year old cousin drive my car into the side of my garage. The garage in all reality should have fallen on them and crushed them but they got lucky and it propped itself up pretty well into it was able to be jacked up. Their parents have left their punishment up to me and I need some ideas. What would you do? I am making them get up at 5 am and paint the house so far. But I want them to learn a lesson. Any advice?
When my brother at the tender age of 15 got drunk and took my mum’s car for a joyride she pressed charges against him. Meant he got community service plus wasn’t allowed to get a license till he was 20. Plus, when he turned 18 it came off his record.
Seemed a pretty reasonable punishment to me.
Make them pay for the repairs.
Well they have no money, and I am sure their parents are paying for it, but I want to find someway to impress upon them what they did, I almost called the police . Maybe thats what I need to do to get them to see the seriousness.
I would think it would depend on who these kids are: is this another episode in a life of hooliganism? Or is this a “stupid kid” thing that they got up to together…
If it was a moment of unthinking capriciousness on their part, assigning a dollar value/hour and having them work off the damage in your community (here I can’t help thinking of To Kill a Mockingbird) and painting your house is a good start.
Oh Tortuga, you WOULDN’T inflict Mrs Dubois on them would you??
That would be a fate worse than hell.
well they are painting the house and they are also painting the basement, cleaning out the garage and removing the debris from them crashing into the garage, they will be there for the estimate from the damage, they will be washing the walls in the whole house and polishing my mothers silver set. they are banned from the computer and tv and the phone. My niece was to have her first date today but her parents are leaving it up to me if she goes or not. My cousins mother has decided to send her to live with her father(why this is a punishment is beyond me but my cousin is still crying about it). So after all that I think they might get the point. Hopefully, anyone else got any suggestions?
You odn’t understand why being told “I don’t want you anymore” by your own mother is a punishment?
That sounds like plenty–in fact, I think the phone/TV/Date thing is overkill in the face of al that labor. The only thing I would recomend is that you write up the whole punnishment in a contract and have both them and you sign it. Then give them time sheets, you you can all figure out how mcuh labor they have put into this.
I disagree. I think denying them these things sends the message that actions have consequenses and if your actions hurt someone else, the rest of your life will be put on hold until you have made restitution to the victim. Considering their ages someone should sit down with them and explicitly make this point or they’ll just go into a typical “all the adults are so mean” sulk. Of course, they’ll probably do that anyway but someone should talk with them about the why of their punishment if that hasn’t already happened.
I don’t think you need to add anything else to that comprehensive list of chores though. It would certainly have made an impression on me.
I am assuming that for a 14 year old and a 12 year old to do all that unaided–especailly repainting the house–this is going to take some months. Especially since they will be horribly inefficient on the house painting and probably will end up having to do everything three times. Cutting them off entirely from a social life for the whole summer in addition to working their pants off seems like a recipe for bitterness to me. Now then, I could agree that if they don’t log a solid 40 hours of work each week on their timesheet, then these things get cut off for that week, but you need to have some sort of punnishment held in reserve. The last thing you want is for them to know you’ve thrown everything you’ve got at them: at that point, they figure out that you’ve done their worst, and if they just quit, you’re stumpted.
I want to point out that this is a lot of work. Ar 15 and 12 I would have been hopeless at repainting an entire house. If you are going to make them do all this, you must commit to making them really do it: in six weeks when they are looking haggard and worn and their hands are blistered and you really aren’t angry anymore, you can’t backdown–they’ll want you to, but doing so would waste the whole point of hte excercise. So make sure your heart is steely before you comit to this.
No matter which way you slice it, the kids lucked out. Whether they were just being doofuses or acting out, they took someone’s car and crashed it into a building. They’re damned lucky they pulled this stunt with family rather than a stranger. Bad judgment or bad attitude (or a little of both), those kids sound like they’re in dire need of adult guidance.
IMO, repairing the damage is a no-brainer basic. You broke it, kid, you help fix it. Actions spawn consequences. But that doesn’t mean the long process has to be cast as prison labor either. And I assure you the little darlings won’t be hollow-cheeked and downtrodden after a month or so of physical work. I spent many a summer as a child helping paint the house, digging up gardens, cleaning out basements, etc. as chores. I was expected to help as much as possible because it was my home too.
Again IMO, but many kids are cheated–yes, cheated–out of learning the very real rewards of hard work and learning new skills under benign adult guidance. Deadly Nightlight, none of the tasks you describe are beyond their capacity.You aren’t expecting them to be mini-contracters, just assist in repairing the damage they caused. I suspect they’ll radiate sullen intertia. They screwed up, they know it and it sounds like there are other deeper issues as well.
But the experience doesn’t HAVE to negative, for you or them. It’s hard enough coaxing useful work out of unmotivated, paid adults, much less defensive, unhappy kids. Bag being a warden. I suggest approaching the tasks very matter-of-factly: no reproaches. Pin their wavering focus on what needs to be done, and involve them in tackling it. Show them how. Take them on hardware store runs. Praise them when they do well–or at least try. If they slack off, a measured “There are other things I’d rather be doing, too” will make the point. Haul them to the store to choose some work-cooler snacks and drinks. Be ready to listen to them. Steady physical work can shut off dreary, routine mental noise and let real thinking take over. A receptive ear counts for a lot in those moments.
Best wishes, DN. We’re all muddling through and it sounds like you’re doing better than most.
Veb
Well day one went well, I found out my cousin had got into some other trouble and was told that if she got into trouble again that her Dad would be picking her up to live with, and this was the trouble again. I neglected to mention that they didn’t paint the whole house, just the foundation around the house because we have siding, so it really wasn’t much of a chore I could do it myself in a day. They washed all the walls. Tommorrow They are going to talk to some one I know that works at a mortuary, and He is going to describe to them some of the stuff He sees in a day that comes from teen accidents. I just wish my family would quit laughing about it, because it is not funny to me, they could have been dead, they damaged my car, and several thousand dollars worth of damage. Maybe I am an “old meany” but oh well- If no one else does, I want them to understand that what they did was wrong wrong and wrong. I did let her go on her date, but she is grounded from tv phone and computer til the begginning of the school year. IMHO for what they did, I really don’t think that the punishment is too bad.
Yes I will be helping them, I wouldn’t make them do the harder stuff all by themselves, I let them know when they did a good job. They also are not in jail, they just have very few priveleges right now. They are so far very repentant and striving to make ammends to thebest of their ability, and for that atleast I am glad.
Glad it’s going well so far. They’re repentant and you’re making sure they understand what could have happened, if they’d hit another person instead of your house.
The important thing is, you aren’t laughing. And you’re taking the time to teach the kids what could have happened.
You rock.
Veb
hehehehe TVeblen called me deadly nightshade 
I’d hate to seem mean, but I still think you should make them PAY for it. I know I would have had to.
MandaJO always brings up good points and is the voice of reason…but still…I would want to make a deep impression on the seriousness of what they had done. They may be “sorry” because they bashed your garage…but what if a young child had been in the way of the vehicle? I don’t know, to me it seems it might be a cry for attention? If there’s all that added things you’ve mentioned about your niece’s parents. Don’t mind me, I’m tired, but I just wanted to help. G’night.
Ok, “painting the foundation of a house with siding with help” is a far cry from “painting an entire house by yourself at 15”. I was envisioning you just handing them buckets of paint, two brushes, and telling them to have at it, which at 15–a bright, resourceful 15–would have floored me. Without guidence, fully painting a big house would have easily been a full summer’s labor, if only because they’d have had to redo it completely a couple of times after they made some truly bizarre mistakes reinventing the wheel. But I do think it would be a great problem-solving experience.
Lolababy, I’m not sure they can pay for it: how would a 15 and 12 year old earn several thousand dollars? They can’t even work. Unless he wants to extend the punnishment over several years (and delay it entirely for several years on the part of the 12 year old), he is oging to have to forgive part of the debt . I think there is a lesson to be lerned that sometimes you fuck up so bad that you can’t just “make up for it”: for two kids with no income, this situation is closer to when an adult breaks a neighbor’s heirloom plate that cost $5 but was their dead mother’s favorite piece.
I like the mortuary idea, but for me, it would be better to show them the consequences of driving accidents.
“See this wound? This happened when the steering column punched out this guy’s spine after he crashed his car.” This could have been you."
Well day two is running smoothly, My friend talked to them and they saw some pictures of kids their age. That so far has made the biggest impression on them. We went through a few “what if” senarios. Now I think they are starting to get the picture.
Just of of curiousity am I the “he” that manda jo is refferring to? I’m a she, but if not never mind 
I assumed it was me but we all know what happens when we assume…
Getting the police involved was mentioned earlier in the thread. I don’t think I’d like to see relatives of mine actually get charged with anything, but it’d be kinda good if you knew an old-fashioned police sergeant who could come over and give them a bloody good talking to. An angry cop woulda scared the pants off me when I was twelve (probably would now, too).