I had a dinner with a friend of mine the night before and we ended up getting into a deep discussion about the trauma we have been through. I really wasn’t prepared to have that type of discussion. But we did meet up at a healing ministry for individuals recovering from difficult situations and circumstances. So it does kinda make sense. She started asking me details about what happened. Then she asked me the perpetrator’s age. My question is why does it matter? Why is there all of this focus on the perpetrator? She knows me not the person that violated me.
Just speaking for myself whenever hearing about any kind of atrocious act I wouldn’t be intellectually or emotionally satisfied not knowing anything about the person who perpetrated it. I think it’s just human nature.
If you were a neighbor, and told me your lawn mower was stolen, but the police had recovered it. I’d want to know if it was just some kids, or if there is an organized ring of thieves fencing stolen property in the neighborhood, to be better prepared to protect my property in the future. So I’d ask about the perpetrators. One can be prepared to defend oneself better if one has a profile of the people likely to violate one’s security.
So far, we know absolutely nothing about the enormity of the offense the OP is talking about. Did the perpetrator kidnap and beat and rape and torture and mutilate you, or did he/she key your car? That would have a bearing on the importance of a profile of the perpetrator and a casual query about the details.
Do you want revenge against the perpetrator? If so, the legality of that judgment will depend on the age.
Same here. I would want to know all about the criminal so I could better protect myself in the future.
That is why I encourage my local newspaper to show pictures of burglars and thieves. Let’s see who is doing this stuff!
Plus, if they’re empathetic they want to have some understanding of what you have gone through, and it may help them to visualise it. So they’ll ask questions not just about the perpetrator but also about, e.g., where the incident happened, what time of day was it, etc.
Mention anything… Anything… and while people shouldn’t, people will get nosey. You may have perfectly good reason given on-going litigation NOT to tell us anything at all … but people will ask.
Also, sometimes some snarky ones will pile on asking because they think its funny. Just set boundaries/limits… and don’t go over them. Or be as vague as possible so you don’t jeopardize your legal case and hope Sherlock catches a clue.
Count Blucher: I don’t know if vagueness and hinting are the best approach. If it were a subject I didn’t want to talk about, and my friends did…I’d say so.
“If it’s all right with you, I don’t want to go there.”
Waiting for Sherlock to get a clue can be a long, long wait. And…it isn’t fair to them to put that burden on them. Don’t play “hot and cold” games, using silences to try to convey information. Just say something. Especially if they’re friends.
If you don’t want to have the discussion, you honestly don’t have to have it, or if you do, then you don’t have to go deeper than you want.
The problem is, some people are operate on a cultural norm where you say ‘I really don’t want to talk about it’ (even if you actually DO) and then they’re supposed to press you (‘oh no, it’s ok, you can talk about it! You can trust me! Healing! Puppies and Kittens!’) in order to be supportive.
Your friend may think you really honestly want to talk about it even if you said in plain English that you don’t (and especially if you met at The Place Where You Talk About It). In which case you may need to say it again, slightly louder 
That’s what I suspect was the OP’s friend’s motive. When someone tells me ‘A dog bit off my younger daughter’s left index finger last year’ I think ‘OUCH OUCH OUCH poor little girl’. When the same person tells me ‘One of my children was maimed by an unspecified mammal at some time in the past’ I think ‘WTF?’
To empathize with someone over a hurt I need to be able to make at least a pretty vague short movie in my head.
This happens with my SO and me in a much, much more harmless context all of the time: When she tells me about unpleasant experiences or conflicts at work I first need to debrief her about the what, who, how, where and when, and in particular to whom exactly all those pronouns she used refer to, before I can understand what was the case, and only then I can commiserate with her.
Humans need to know the story. It’s in our nature - we’re the storytelling ape.
Does a single question constitute a lot of focus, or were there more questions about the perpetrator than their age? “How old” changes the story a lot, at the extremes of age.
When telling a story, coming up with the correct amount of detail and the right types of details is very difficult. I know people who combine Mops’ SO’s ability to pour a pile of unidentified “hes” and “shes” with sudden detours into a description of the blouse worn by the sister of the cousin of the mother of the tobacconist, because hey, we all care sooooo much about a blouse worn by someone we haven’t even met. Do I think our OP should tell that particularly painful story to anybody who’s feeling nosy? No, but I understand being unable to picture things if certain key details are missing. Your friend asked because she wanted to be able to picture things and empathize with you; I don’t ask about a more detailed description of anybody’s blouse because neither blouses nor what the sister of the cousin of the mother of the tobacconist said at the last meeting of the library’s book club are something I give a shit about.