Why the fuck don't you listen? ("Good Samaritans" who force help on me)

[jools]

@puzzlegal

I had a similar experience recently, with a very frail old woman apparently struggling to get through a heavy door. I offered to help, she said, “it’s okay, thanks anyway” and I replied, “okay, have a nice day.” and walked off. No one gave me grief. I think I would have behaved the same before this thread, but I did think about it.

I did think about that also, what would I have done differently before reading this thread. The only thing I came up with was, I would asked again as “Are you sure I can’t help” but I would’ve never just grabbed something or pushed, but I might’ve had insisted…

[Ambivalid]

@jools

I did think about that also, what would I have done differently before reading this thread. The only thing I came up with was, I would asked again as “Are you sure I can’t help” but I would’ve never just grabbed something or pushed, but I might’ve had insisted…

I try to avoid giving the impression that I’m simply being polite but actually would appreciate assistance by being as firm and emphatic as I possibly can while remaining polite and friendly. “Absolutely not. But thank you.” It doesn’t always work tho.

[Rigamarole]

Hey man if it’s any consolation, if I saw you in public I wouldn’t try to help you. I really do strive to hate/avoid everyone equally.

[Ambivalid]

@Rigamarole

Hey man if it’s any consolation, if I saw you in public I wouldn’t try to help you. I really do strive to hate/avoid everyone equally.

But since you now know that I hate the forced help, it seems like you would in fact help me if you saw me. You know, on account of the hating me and all.

[SciFiSam]

@mikecurtis

People are going to ignore you whether you’re in a wheelchair or not. People are going to try and help you whether you say “no, thank you” or not, whether you’re in a wheelchair or not. There are gonna be people who accuse you of not being able to read and missing the point of your rant even when you can and did not, whether you are in a wheelchair or not.
When someone pisses you off because of something they have done what are your options? You have NO control over their actions, but you do have control over your reaction to their actions. You can get mad, and let that anger eat away at you and influence how you interact with others. Or you can not get angry. It does, after all, have nothing to do with the reality of who you are and what you are capable of.
And don’t forget all those people you pass everyday, who far out number the ones who ignore your words, who do see you as the person you are and are respectful of your wishes.
If someone opens a door for me, whether I want them to or not, whether I need them to or not, whether I’ve said “no, thanks” or not, I thank them for the effort. It doesn’t change me one bit.
Do you get mad at automatic doors that open whether you need them to or not; whether you’ve asked them to or not. I am thankful. You can choose to be thankful or angry, it’s up to you.

mc

mc

Well aren’t you a saint?

The world is never going to change for the better if we are equally thankful for good things and bad things. Nobody’s going to learn anything if nobody ever tells them where they’re going wrong.

Anger can be constructive - it can give you the energy to tackle difficult and unpleasant tasks. The anger you’re decrying is the reason Ambivalid started this thread which has now helped some people learn a little more about how to interact with disabled people. That is a good thing.

I’d like to add something to say when offering help to disabled people - in some situations, when you and the other person are going to be in the same place for a while, if you offer help, they say no, and you’re concerned that they might not really mean it, you can “cool, let me know if that changes/if you need help with anything else.” That eases your conscience and also prevents embarrassment in some situations.

Like you offer a seat to someone on a bus, they say no because they’re getting off at the next stop, and suddenly there’s a huge traffic jam. They might want the seat then and it’s helpful if you’ve left the offer open because otherwise they might feel like they have to tough it out.

Obviously that doesn’t apply to quick interactions like going through doors or if the “no” has been very emphatic.

[Annie-Xmas]

I am an old lady with a disabled hand. I also hate being touched by strangers.

People who insist on helping me out of a chair or off of the floor by grabbing my arm after I’ve said “No, thanks” or (even worse) grabbing me without asking deserve to have their crotches kicked.

[Lizard]

I don’t think you’re being irrational. I think you’ve pegged it: these people don’t really see you as an independent person, but rather as an object to be acted upon. This doesn’t make them evil or selfish, but it DOES make them unenlightened. Also, instead of just saying “No” the first time they ask if you need help, say “Fuck off” instead. That should slow them down!

[Ambivalid]

@Lizard

Also, instead of just saying “No” the first time they ask if you need help, say “Fuck off” instead. That should slow them down!

While I understand that you are trying to be supportive, I have to say that this is about the worst possible advice to give. When wishing to dispel stereotypes, it’s best not to personify that which you wish to combat.