LOl! No, I would probably say wtf? I might even take a swing at them. Your reaction to people not listening to you is understandable. However, you seem to be holding on to an abundance of anger, and this, over time, could become a bigger problem.
mc
Well done! 
Like a problem bigger than assaulting them? LOL And look, I’ve been dealing with being ignored for almost 2 decades. The anger is cumulative and starting threads like this helps me vent. If anything, as I become an older man, my offense at such things may wane. I’m certainly more introspective, open-minded and mellow now than I was at 24 (for example).
“Thank you sir, hit me again.”
No, you don’t thank people for rude, obnoxious, improper behavior any more than you reward them for bad behavior, whether they’re 4 or 40. Thanking people for being rude assholes just encourages them to be rude assholes because the only thing they’re perceiving is the positive reinforcement, they’re ignoring everything else.
You don’t have to go into rage monster mode to not give in to this sort of shit.
Failing to “get mad”, as you put it, makes me feel weak, victimized, helpless, and powerless. I’ll take mad over that any day.
Getting angry might change things, if you apply it properly. I call it constructive complaining. That’s not screaming or cursing, it’s finding the right words and body language to get someone to back off from boorish behavior. It can be delivered in a civil tone, it doesn’t have to involve yelling. For damn sure I am NOT going to tolerate that shit or thank someone for dishing it out.
But then, I wasn’t raised Christian to submit to abuse and turn the other cheek - I was raised to believe that was stupid and self-destructive behavior. Being “nice” is not how you stop being victimized or condescended to. You do it by being assertive. You won’t always be successful of course, because you’re dealing with stupid and/or ignorant people but if you don’t try nothing will ever change.
Are you now going to pat him on the head and offer him a cookie like a 6 year old?
You have no idea how much you’re coming across as a sanctimonious condescending prick, do you?
No, the little face doesn’t make it OK.
nm
mc
He was being witty and threw my words back at me, I was acknowledging and appreciating his wit.
Thank you for your condescension, sorry, concern!
mc
I was taught to do both. You can be nice and assertive at the same time. Thank you.
mc
“Nice” is such a subjective word as to almost be meaningless. Nice means something different to everybody. I think a better word would be “polite”. You can be polite and assertive at the same time. However, being treated as if I don’t know what’s best for me and a stranger does is the height of impolite and offensive. Thanking someone for forcing help on me only serves to help perpetuate this mindset. Infinitesimal as my contribution may be, I’d like to help change that mindset, not perpetuate it. It would cause me much more personal distress if I were to bite my lip and act as if I appreciated such action.
Me? Frankly, I’d be terrified, and I would probably try to call the police. And I think it’s constructive for you to rant about it here. I have learned that you find unneeded offers of help at least mildly annoying, and it has occurred to me that you must get them all the time. I think I’ll be slower to offer help to the disabled as a result of this thread, especially if they don’t look like they are having any trouble.
No, I have never waited to see if someone is struggling to offer help. And as I said, most of the wheeled people to whom I’ve offered help have been completely able-bodied men pushing carts. Who usually accept gratefully.
But it now occurs to me that they don’t get a lot of unsolicited offers of help when they don’t have carts, which is most of the time. So they don’t feel like I am judging THEM, just their circumstances.
I hear you about assholes who impose themselves. I don’t do that. And I have been turned down. I saw a blind guy whose dog kept leading him the wrong way in a subway station. The man was clearly frustrated. I asked him if I could help, and he replied, “no, thank you, my dog needs to learn to do this.” So I walked away, like a civilized human being.
Okay, so sometimes I do wait to see struggling…There are two blind people I regularly see on my commute, and I think that’s the only time I’ve offered help. Usually, they both seem to be doing fine on their own.
Anyway, thanks for posting, and I’ll think more about when to offer help. And I’ll offer you moral support against the jerks who are “hepful”. That’s a nice word my son taught me. Hepping looks like helping, except it isn’t.
Sure, but so what? A lot of people grew up in a time when there were no computers, no cell phones, no VHS/DVD/streaming media, and no microwaves, yet they’ve all figured them out. Oh, I know, that’s technology, and people are different.
But a lot of people still around also grew up in a time when blacks and whites were segregated from each other, and when women didn’t usually hold jobs, yet when things changed and they had to mingle with these other folks they managed to (well, most of them) figure out how to act appropriately. How is this different?
Okay, well, I worked at the time in a warehouse that had been converted to office space. I was on the second floor. There was a freight elevator but it was not the kind of elevator you could summon. If it wasn’t on the floor you wanted you had to go to the floor where it was, open the doors, and take it to the floor where you wanted it to be.
So, I get to work, with my bicycle which, because it was a bad neighborhood, I had permission to park in my office. I wheel my bicycle down the long, long hall to the elevator, and it’s not there. So I turn around.
Going back I encounter this guy. He worked for my company, but in another office. I think he was an accountant. So I’d seen him a couple of times, but just enough to know he worked there.
I said, “Elevator’s not here, want me to go get it?”*
He said, “Not necessary.”
Okay. So I went back to the stairway and carried my bike up, which was kind of a hassle but not too bad–not a heavy bike really. And when I got to the top I sort of turned and saw him coming up behind me. Crawling up behind me, using one hand to pull himself up and dragging his chair behind him with the other hand.
Okay, well. I watched for a couple of seconds, long enough to convince myself I really saw that, then I went on to my office. I figured there was nothing much I could do. I couldn’t carry him up the stairs and if he wanted my help, he could have asked. But I don’t know if I could’ve got the chair up the stairs either. I mean, really, the only thing I could do was go get the elevator, and I’d already asked about that.
I figured I had done my duty by not falling backwards down the stairs and landing on him.
*In retrospect, what I should have said, probably, was, “Would you watch my bike while I go get the elevator.” Oh well.
I’ve been noticing a sort of “aggressive politeness” out there more and more. Like a few days ago, I was riding on a bike trail that runs alongside a county highway. at a couple of points there are side streets which connect to the highway, with a traffic signal controlling them. at these side streets, the bike path has “STOP” signs giving traffic entering and leaving the side street right of way. So as I was riding along, I come to one of these streets and dutifully stop at the sign*. The light turns green for the side street. Do you think the cagers waiting to turn onto the highway went at their green light? No. They sit there waving me across, getting frustrated as though I’m the one holding them up. Then they get all shitty like the Jeep with a couple of 20-something douchebag bros in it. “Dude I was letting you pass!” Yeah, well I’ve got the stop sign, fuckstick, and it takes me a bit more effort than you to get going again.
And that’s exactly what you need to stop saying. Ambivalid has not done this. You are telling him to not do something he already knows, which he has already said he knows, even before you decided to say it.
By offering this advice, you are saying he gets pissed off at people who are offering help. The entire thread, from the title itself, is about people who won’t listen when you tell them you don’t want help.
Stop trying to pretend he’s saying something he’s not. It’s the type of belittling that people often face when talking about real issues. You turn it into another issue so you can then pretend you are better.
You say all the right things, but then you just have to add in that one part that makes you an asshole. Stop it.
I would like thank Ambivalid for this thread.
I read it all and it stuck with me. This weekend I saw someone in a chair who seemed to be struggling with bags, so I offered my help, and he politely said no thanks, I smiled and said have a good day and walked away.
Then this man who had seen me offer help to this apparently helpless person, gave me shit for not helping and ran over to help. The guy looked so pissed off.
So thank you for the lesson!!!
Awesome. You’re quite welcome.
I had a similar experience recently, with a very frail old woman apparently struggling to get through a heavy door. I offered to help, she said, “it’s okay, thanks anyway” and I replied, “okay, have a nice day.” and walked off. No one gave me grief. I think I would have behaved the same before this thread, but I did think about it.
I’m immensely glad that my thread, which started as just a means to vent, has had positive, concrete impacts on those reading it. I couldn’t ask for a better outcome, actually.
ETA: I’m curious though, what exactly was it about her activity with the door that gave you the impress she was struggling?
If even one person isn’t helped, it’ll have been worth it!
Exactly! 