Wow! So a girl who doesn’t want to jump directly into exclusive relationships is surely a materialistic gold digger, or a manipulative temptress, or just faking “liberation”? What if I simply would like to take my time and get to know a guy before we get serious? Or if I really like sex with different partners? What if I happen to enjoy spending time with different people, and see no reason to rush into a relationship when I’m having plenty of fun right now. If I’m having sex with one guy, do I owe all interested parties equal access?
I don’t know about the whole “money” or “safe” thing, but the first part is kind of the point. A guy who is only enduring the “crappy relationshippy stuff” because of the promise of sex isn’t a great long term prospect, is he? This isn’t about making a guy jump through hoops, it’s about seeing what is actually there beyond “I’d like to bang you.”
I find that I tend to rush the sexual aspect of a relationship, and given my way every date after the second becomes “Hey, let’s skip the dinner and go to my place. I’ll order a pizza or something.” This is fun for a bit, but I find it sort of short circuits the development of the rest of the relationship and it stays immature and “stuck,” eventually getting boring. Since that dysfunctional relationship is your only source of guaranteed sex, you stick with it, and by then you are emotionally committed to something you’ve never let mature emotionally and it opens the door for drama and all kinds of unpleasantness.
So I’m trying something new- letting relationships develop slowly and naturally across the spectrum, so that when I commit I’m committing because I think it’s a relationship with a future, not because I really hate spending Friday nights with a vibrator. As it is, there is sex going, on, too. It’s just not our only form of interaction because I’m not counting on one weekend night as my one-time-chance of getting action that week. Presumably if the relationship got closer, we’d see each other a bit more and could better balance sex and “crappy relationshippy stuff” without outside support.
One easy way not to get “strung along like a chump” is to say “We’ve seen each other a few times, and I have to confess I’m really starting to fall for you. I’d like to spend more time with you. Where do you see this relationship going? Would an exclusive monogamous relationship appeal to you, because that’s starting to sound really good to me.” When you really like a girl, you make an effort to hold on to her. You make an effort to create a commitment rather than relying on some hazy non-agreement that ultimately means nothing. I dont need your hazy non-commitment, give me something real or it’s not there. Of course, I could always bring up the “hey, let’s be exclusive” thing first, and I absolutely would if I were really in to the guy. As it is, we are still getting to know each other and I’m not in a rush.