Why yes, I'd love to drop everything and tend to your child!

The BBQ Pit
1

How did you know?

:: riiing::

Hello?

“Oh Hey, tiny ham! listen, my husband and I are off to do some last minute thing that sounds remarkably like something I bet we knew about at least two or three days ago, if not two weeks. I was wondering if within the half hour you could just hop in your car and come over and hang out with your godson because I know he loves you so much.”

“Oh I…hold on…let me get my translator”

can you drop everything and babysit our kid tonight? I mention that he’s your godson because it adds a guilt factor, and mentioning his love for you ups that by approximately 15%.
You know, I love kids. I love them, I want to have them, I suppose I will have them soon and I suspect that my friends will return all of the free babysitting I’ve given them so I don’t begrudge the fact that I babysit for free when Susie Q. Public gets $20 an hour here in the Windy City.

But it’s the ZERO notice + Guilt Trip that really fucking irks me. And it’s happened more than a handful of times. I fell for it the first couple of times because he is my godson and I do love him and he’s darling and I could hang out with him for hours…but guess what…here’s something nutty: I have my own life.

If you ask me to babysit on Friday, today, it may not be an issue. But asking me to babysit TONIGHT? Means obviously I’m your immediate go to and you think you can walk all the fuck over me because I’m such a kid pushover.

So I say no, I can’t, I have plans, which I do, (I wouldn’t say no out of spite…YET), and they act like I’ve fucking set their kid on fire…which I wouldn’t. I REALLY WOULDN’T DO IT.

“Oh really? You’re not available? Because…you know…we have no other options…I guess…I guess we can’t go arrange for Middle East Peace because you’re not available.”

Once, she actually said “I’ll tell him you can’t come over to play with him”

YAY! Great! That’s great. God damn it.

Am I crazy? Or is this rude? The most notice I’ve ever been given is five hours. FIVE FUCKING HOURS. I babysit for my other friends and they call me three weeks in advance for a friggin movie date.

I don’t want to be a bad godmother, but I also can’t just sit around waiting to see if I have a date with a three year old.

2

You’re not crazy, it is rude, and the only way it’s going to stop is if you tell them the same thing you’ve told us.

3

Crazy: no. Rude: incredibly. Inconsiderate, selfish, and obnoxious, as well. Tell them that you don’t mind sitting, but need at least a week’s notice. And then stick by your guns.

4

What mhendo and ** twickster** said although a couple days notice should be sufficient notice IMHO.

5

You are not crazy. I’m not sure what the optimum amount of warning for babysitting is, but it seems to me like it is somewhere in between 3 weeks and 5 hours. The more “either this happens at time X or it doesn’t happen at all” the event is, the more appropriate it is to ask longer in advance. Guilt trips when you don’t agree, especially when you have no warning just increases the amount of rudeness in the behavior.

I don’t know how to say this without being obnoxious, but if you have agreed in the past to babysit on no notice, it makes it more difficult to stop them from calling and asking on no notice in the future. (And I fear you should not count on this “friend” to provide you with free babysitting when you have a tot which needs sitting.)

6

And then you’ll be a cured ham.

7

Hey Beer, FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME LAUGH WHEN I’M TRYING TO SWALLOW BEER!
Damn that fucking hurt.

snort

8

That is so irksome. You’re going to have children some day? I’ve got one word for you: VOUCHERS. Mark it down and remind them how many paybacks they owe you.

And don’t be available next time they try to guilt you into a corner. That totally sucks.

9

NOBODY PUTS TINY HAM IN A CORNER

(it’ll rot)

10

That’s my fear. I was so caught up in the great, immense honor of being a godmother for the first time, I was ready to get a certificate and build an addition onto the house, so anytime this child was made available to me I jumped at the chance…

ugh.

11

If it were a one time thing, I’d assume their scheduled babysitter cancelled at the last minute and screwed them over, and I’d forgive them. What you have here, though, is a pattern, correct? So either they need to get rid of their “always cancels at the last minute” babysitter, or they need to have some fucking respect for your schedule.

As a mom in the Windy City, I’d say that a week’s notice is usual. Though I’ve never found a professional sitter for more than $10 an hour, if it makes you feel any better. (That’s standard for most nanny services.)

12

Hey, you’ll never believe it, but she’s the one that told me babysitters go for $20 an hour.

So, you know, I’m REALLLLLLLY helping them out SOOOO Much, and if I didn’t babysit for free they’d never be able to go out.

CURSE THAT CURLY TOWHEADED ANGEL! WHY DO I LOVE HIM SO?

13

Yes, it’s rude and inconsiderate to ask you to babysit at the last minute (unless it’s truly some kind of last minute emergency). But you won’t gain any brownie points by telling them they’re rude and inconsiderate. You might get further by saying something like “Gee, I really love to play with the little angel, and wish I didn’t already have plans for tonight. Maybe in the future, we could plan in advance, so I don’t have to be disappointed by having to say no”.

Yeah, I know, you shouldn’t have to coddle them. But this would be a peaceful resolution all around. After all, if you just tell them they’re inconsiderate, selfish fucks, they might use that as an excuse to not let you see your godson, and then you and the godson both lose.

14

My mother really had to stomp her foot on it re. the grandson (my godson).

Mom makes a point of going out and being active. She was a catechist for (counts) about 20 years, for students aged 9-17, stopped this year because her parents’ age means she may have to run to the rescue at any time; she has 4 friends which she usually sees at separate times; she goes to the local library’s Reading Club every wednesday; last September she started an Internet course (she dropped off in February because all that was left was chat and she didn’t care about it). This isn’t exactly news.

SIL isn’t quite a “stay at home person” either. In my hometown people like them are often described as being “siempre recogidica en la calle”, “always at home on the street”.

Mom lives in a flat. She’s got a phone. She’s got a cellphone, which she always carries. She’s often at some neighbor or other’s (two of the friends I mentioned above live in the same building). The buzzer from the street doesn’t work well and has not worked well for ages, half the time it simply doesn’t ring.

SIL used to claim that she never caught us at home. One day I went out, ran into her leaning on the not-working buzzer and asked her, “oh, have you tried the phone?” “The phone?” “Yeah, instead of the buzzer. It doesn’t work very well, you see. Normally when you see this big blue sign reading Out Of Order it means that we won’t hear it.” “Oh. Oh, but… the phone?” “Yup. Landline first, cell second, at least that’s what I do, in case Mom forgot to charge it.” OK, now that bossy-SIL (that’s me) clarified the Facts of Life, sociable-but-sometimes-not-very-bright-SIL (that’s her) actually catches Mom at home pretty much 9 times out of 10. Duh.

So now she’ll go by and just try to drop the baby. Mom loves the Cutiest Little Boy On Earth, don’t take me wrong, but when she’s Scheduled, she’s Scheduled. For the 6 years bro and SIL have been married, they’ve often changed lunch appointments with as little as 15 minutes warning (!) - this on a woman who spends 2 hours reviewing lunch menus for the next 7 days every morning; now SIL would not establish a Time For Seeing The Baby and does not want to take a walk with Baby and Baby’s Paternal Grandma, but ah, she wanted to drop Baby with Paternal Grandma with no warning.

Baby’s Paternal Grandma (aka my Mom) finally explained to Baby’s Parents that she is perfectly happy to see them and feed them and see Baby, feed Baby, take Baby to the doctor, pick Baby from kindergarten, whatever, so long as ithere is a medical problem involved or they give her 48 hours warning (she doesn’t think kiddie infections have started giving 48-hour notices yet, but that’s simply because God is kind of not very good at organizing stuff, you know). 48 hours means 48 hours, not “48 minutes”, not “23:30 two days before”. If you’re going to want a slice of her Thursday Morning, you have to warn her on Tuesday Morning at the latest. Thanks! Oh, and if she is with Baby, she gets to show Baby to her friends, let her friends cuddle and coddle and generally pamper Baby, take Baby out for a walk, and so forth and so weise.

Married-brother’s answer was “wow”; he looked at single-bro and me, we gave him our best “we’re on her side on this one, dude, you had it coming” look, he "wow"d again and agreed to give 48 hour warning. He’d been so wrapped up on making life easy for the wife (which is not a bad thing per se) that he hadn’t realized how badly they would sometimes complicate things for us.
Note: SIL’s parents have been at home for the last 3 years, plus they did get warning simply because they live in another town. They’re retired, no community work, they rarely leave the house at the same time. I think that factored in, too.

15

This is what you need to say. “I’m sorry. I have a plans. Next time you should let me have some more notice. My schedule tends to fill up quickly.” Followed by a resounding NO. When the guilt river starts to flow in your direction, interrupt it with “You should have let me know sooner”; putting the emphasis where it belongs.

It worked with my sister. Now she only calls at the last minute if it’s really necessary.

16

Darlin’, you are being used, like everyone else has indicated. So set some boundaries, stick to your guns, and surprise them occasionally by asking if you can take the kid for an afternoon or an overnight… if you are so inclined. But don’t be used. Nothing good can come of that.

I have spoken.

:smiley:

17

A word about guilt trips. There is only one person who can make you go down that road, and it’s yourself.

You, I, and very likely, they, know that you are not acting irrationally, nor cruelly, to say that 30 minutes in a non-emergency situation is not enough warning. Frankly, the fact that their method of dealing with the imposition is to begin with an attempt at emotional blackmail would get my back up right off the bat. If they’d begin with a “You can say, ‘no,’ but we’d really like a favor, if you can manage it…” plea I’m often very accomodating. An attempt to guilt me, however is a sure-fire way to roadblock anything.

Not only does recognizing guilt trips as emotional blackmail leave you feeling better about yourself, but (since I tend to only give favors to people I like, and who are usually pretty sharp) usually results in people stopping trying to use that tactic on me.
If you want to know how I came to be immune to guilt trips, let’s just say that the Jewish Grandmoter (yes, the one from all the jokes) was real. And in my family. Damned near any story you’ve heard about the stereotype I can beat with actual experience. Very frustrating as I was growing up, but one does learn (If only in self-defense) the realities about emotional blackmail.

18

[hijack] Okay, I give up. tiny ham, did you just change your name, and if so, what was it before? I try to spend every waking minute here, I swear, but sometimes I just can’t keep up. Thanks. [/hijack]

19

:eek:

I am so in the wrong line of work.

Seriously, it sounds like they’ve found someone to take advantage of. They might not even consciously realize it (I’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt even though it really, really sounds like they’re quite consciously trying to guilt you) but honestly, unless someone is Suddenly Dying I can’t think of any reason anyone wouldn’t know more than 30 minutes ahead of time that they were going to need a sitter.

20

Only tiny jews.