Motorboy and I have friends whose baby is a little over 1 year old. Since the day they found out they were expecting they’ve talked about how great it is that they have friends who looked forward to babysitting for them. Motorboy and I did not in anyway express a desire to babysit, or any special desire to be a big part of the baby’s life.
In the past 6 months or so they’ve been sending us frequent requests to babysit (via email and sometimes via voice mail). All of which we have dodged through avoidance. Claiming to have plans, etc. Just today they asked if we could babysit tonight and also Friday night.
How do we talk to them about not wanting to babysit? I don’t want to just blurt out what I’m thinking which is:
if we wanted to take care of children, we’d have some of our own (Motorboy and I are both strongly committed to childlessness)
we have no real interest in their son beyond enjoying his company for short spans while spending time with the parents
I didn’t enjoy babysitting back when I used to get paid for it, and cut my babysitting career short as soon as I was old enough to get working papers and get a supermarket job
even if we did want to babysit, we wouldn’t want to be their default babysitters. I think that part of being a parent means making real babysitting arrangements when you want to go out, not assuming your childless-by-choice friends want to provide you with childcare
I have no real interest in one-on-one time with any children until they’re around 5. Before 5 I’ll be happy to interact with your kids when you’re around but I get bored and frustrated with them wicked fast, so stay close by
How do we constructively talk to them about the situation without damaging our friendship? Or should we continue with our avoidance tactics?
I think they may have an exaggerated view of how involved we are in the lives of the children of another set of friends. Those children we’ve seen weekly or more frequently for the last 8 years, because we see their parents that often. We twice babysat in emergency situations (both times someone other than the children needed to go to the hospital so they were dropped off in the wee hours of the morning). That’s twice in 8 years. We have also twice had the oldest child over for a sleepover, but we waited until she was older than 5 to do so.
I also think that many parents don’t realize that other people do not love their children as much as they do, and make assumptions about other people’s willingness to invest in their children.
We have many friends with children and this couple is the only one who has ever asked us to babysit in a non-urgent situation.
As Ivylass says, it’s best just to be honest and explain politely.
Otherwise the parents are obviously going to keep irritating you by asking and you’re going to have mre and more exotic excuses and it’s all going to come out in a big argument :eek: (see TV soap operas for an example ).
I genuinely laughed at your comment about them not being able to take a hint.
That may be a big part of it. The mom in this family can be a bit presumptuous about what she asks other people for. For example, when she asks people to come by and care for their cat when they are out of town. It’s a perfectly healthy cat with no medical problems, who free-feeds. She actually wants you to come by twice a day and asks that in the evenings you spend at least an hour with the cat. I think that’s pretty unnecessary. Also the cat bites people when the owners are not looking.
You might just be honest with them. Tell them that you are sure you guys would not make good sitters (“We have no experience with kids, especially babies.”) and if they persist, just say flat out “No, we really do not want to babysit anyone’s kids.”
My best friend’s 3 sisters (11 kids between them) got it into their heads that I might make the perfect babysitter for them and to head off any nightmares I just flat out told them that I hate kids. They’re the type that finds that sort of thing to be “funny” though so I didn’t get any death threats or anything.
Now, I don’t actually hate kids. Kids are ok and they like me. I don’t even mind being around them. But I’m like you and like kids for short times, with their parents, not under my rule. That eventually got explained to the sisters but it’s worked out much better for me to look like the bad guy at first and let the world know that I am not available for sitting ever.
I agree with ivylass, and be prepared for them to tell you that it’s not that hard to take care of him. Or, for them to decide that “anyone who doesn’t want quality time with our baby doesn’t get quality time with us.”
TV Soaps would be a good source of exotic excuses. Thanks for the tip.
I also ought to admit that I’m a coward when it comes to talking to people about things they may not want to hear. Hence the 6 months of excuses so far.
Any hints on how not to be a coward and make sure I say the right things to explain my needs? If you can do that I have a staff member who needs some performance hints, too.
Give them a list of child care available in the area. And note to them that you and yours are childfree, and while you are friends and still want to maintain the friendship, you don’t have children, that is their burden. I loathe to call children burdens, but in the last six months they’ve been contacting you frequently? I didn’t give up my social life to have children, it was limited, but I get a babysitter for my kids maybe four times a year. And under age one it is even less than that.
As for courage, think about how you don’t want to be a babysitter for the next eighteen years, that should help you find your voice.
I’m not sure there’s any way to be honest with them that won’t be taken as an insult. If I were you, I’d continue turning them down with the same old excuses, and maybe throw in ‘God, I’m never having kids’-type comments in casual conversation… but I’m a baby. You are completely right – if they want babysitting, they need to hire a reliable babysitter. The next time they ask, tell them ‘Sorry, I can’t. But if you’d like I can ask around about a good babysitter.’
Why do you want to be friends with people who make such presumptions about your time? Why didn’t you nip it in the bud when they were hinting around before the birth?
Just tell them that you have no interest in babysitting their child, for the simple reason that you have no interest in babysitting anyone’s child. Sort of like if someone asked me if I wanted to come over and weed their garden. Thanks, but no.
If they are offended that you don’t desire face time with their little precious sweetie, then good riddance.
I’ve known some people like this. Young parents, in this case, who seemed to be chafing just a bit at being stuck with their kids all the time, and so eager to unload the kids on someone else that it seemed a bit…predatory. Any evening they had guests, they’d ask the kids “which guest do you want to read to you tonight?” and send you upstairs for half an hour to put the kids to bed. Sometimes I’d come back down to find them logged onto the computer while I was up putting the kids to bed.
The most egregious incident occurred one cold night when I arrived all bundled up with gloves and coat, and was met at the door. “Here, take the baby,” I was told, and the infant was unceremoniously dumped into my arms while I was trying to peel off my gloves. There I stood, holding the wee one, coat and muffler still snugly in place, shoes on…it’s a “take off your shoes at the door” household, too.
The mother went into the other room out of sight.
I followed after a minute, expecting to find some kind of mayhem that required her attention. Instead, she and a friedn who roomed with the couple were talking and casually setting the table for dinner. Apparently, the baby had been dumped on me solely because they were tired of holding her. But it was downright bizarre that I wasn’t even allowed to get in the door and get my outdoor clothes off.
Bear in mind that I’m a man and not especially enamored of little kids, although their children are very sweet little girls, and I do like the whole family. So no real harm done, but kind of odd.
Some parents will never, never understand that there are people in the world who don’t love their children as much as they do. If your friends are these kinds of parents, you won’t be able to get out of babysitting without causing some bad feelings.
You could try the other alternative. Agree to babysit. While you’re there, drink all their booze, have sex and leave evidence thereof in as many places as possible, duct tape a hand towel on the kid instead of a diaper, etc. You won’t be asked to babysit again.
The greatest part about your situation is whatever you come up with, you can do it via responding to their email request. No face to face. That’s a beautiful thing. It is so much easier to say no that way.
I’m sorry, I’m afraid I haven’t been completely honest with you. Instead of saying “no” we’ve tried to spare your feelings and said we are busy and you have interpreted that as “we might some other time.” I need to clear this up. We have no intention of ever babysitting for you. We do not babysit casually for any of our other friends. On rare occasions, we’ve watched children when our friends have had emergencies and no other arrangements could be made on short notice. We don’t particularly enjoy caring for children, and we value our own time. I think your baby is very adorable and well behaved and I value your friendship - but I’m not a babysitter and I don’t want to become “the person my friends dump their kids on so they can go out and have a good time.”
Honestly, I like Foxy40’s solution the best but if they think you’re making a joke clarify by using Dangerosa’s solution of brutal honesty. It’s just nuts that the avoidance thing hasn’t worked in 6 mos.
One time my sister was going to babysit for a casual friend’s baby overnight while the mom had another baby. She was looking forward to it even though she actually disliked the baby. But she joked that she had a nice place right in the oven for the babysit-ee and that was that. No babysitting and soon no friend. So there’s a case right there where a joke got her out of it.
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