Mr. Athena and I are friends with a couple with a young daughter. I think she’s around four.
We like the friends, and we like the daughter, but they bring her every time we get together. She’s a good kid, but she’s a four-year-old. She gets bored at “adult” things even if the parents bring toys and videos and such, and she tends to want to be the center of attention, like any four-year-old.
This is fine on occasion. We like the kid. But we find ourselves longing to have some time with our friends where they are not constantly chasing the kid down or interrupted by the kid or whatever. It’s hard to have a conversation, and at least once they had to cut their evening short because the girl was simply not happy.
Is there any way to politely ask them for some time sans-kid? They’re not in the greatest financial shape, and I’m not sure if a babysitter is beyond their means at the moment or not (we’re friends, but not good enough friends to know the details of their finances.) I’m not talking every time we get together or anything like that… but we find ourselves saying things like “boy I’d like to get together with them this weekend, but I’m just too tired to enjoy spending a night chasing around the kid” and ultimately we don’t see them as much as we’d like.
I think you should express it to your friends the same way you’ve expressed it in the OP. I bet your friends would also like some adult time without their daughter.
Babysitting is sometimes hard to arrange, aside from the cost, and maybe they don’t have a sitter they feel comfortable with, and/or they would like to save the money. But since it would just be an infrequent thing they should be able to afford a sitter once in a while.
How about suggesting you meet at a neighborhood bar for drinks. They couldn’t bring a 4 year old and you wouldn’t have to feel guilty about asking them to exclude their child.
When my kids were small I didn’t do much without them, but I did understand that other adults weren’t that thrilled to be around them all the time. Maybe saying it just like you asked us would work. Ask them to remember how it was when they were the childless couple.
Get together with them at your house. Hire a babysitter for the 4 year old, and have her entertained in another room. Tell your friends whatever you like, whether it be that it’s a neighborhood babysittter looking to get experience for references, or it’s a niece who really likes watching kids and needed some extra cash, but this way you might catch a little break.
I have friends who never had kids. Whenever we visited them I would ask whether the kids were welcome. Sometimes yes sometimes no, depending on what they were cooking, how expensive the wine was, what they felt like doing, how long since we’d seen them. I knew they weren’t saying no to be mean spirited so we just fitted in with their plans.
Yes, there is, but you have to give them lots of advance notice, and be open to the possibility that they just can’t swing it financially or emotionally.
Just be honest, like in your OP. “I know you know I love your daughter, but sometimes I wish we could just hang out and be grown-ups together without splitting your energy. Could we set a grown-ups only date next month? And how about we set a zoo date with your daughter while we’re at it.” So they know you really like and want to hang out with the kid, but you also get some grown-up time.
I belong to a rather odd circle of friends in that we have a few couples with kids and a bunch of childless couples or singles. We’re always saying “kid friendly” or “not kid friendly” when extending any invite. We parents can then choose to attend or not, but at least we’re all clear up front.
On the other hand, asking people NOT to bring kids is completely unheard of in my family and upbringing. What potential self indulgence could possibly make you even think of asking this question? The kid is 4. The kid will soon be 5. Before you know it the kid will be 10, 15, 20…
I actually would find the evening more bearable with a kid around: a distraction, a source of conversation, a reason to leave the living room conversation and go watch a few minutes of Shrek!
Sorry. I just can’t imagine any way in which it would be polite to ask friends not to bring kids. If it’s that much of an imposition then get new friends. Seriously. All my parents and their friends always included kids in the plans at other people’s houses. (Restaurants and other outings were a different story.) That’s how kids learn manners and learn to act like adults!!
Well, in my circle of friends it’s customary not to bring your children unless the host specifies, “Hey, why don’t you bring the kids?” Different strokes and all. I don’t think it’s rude in the least to want to spend time with your friends without kids around. And it’s not like Athena wants every gathering to be child-free. Just every once in a while. IMO, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Sure you can. But first, you have to decide what your relationship with these folks is, and what you wish it to be.
We had kids earlier than most of our friends. But it seemed as tho our childless friends generally wished us to bring our kids when we visited - maybe because our kids always knew that they were NOT to be the center of attention around adults. (4 is certainly not to early to lear that lesson.)
We more often had the situation where WE did not want to bring our kids, mainly because we anticipated they would be bored, or simply because we didn’t mind having a little time away from them. And IME most little kids add nothing and generally detract from restaurant experiences, so we would certainly left our kids home when meeting folks out.
If someone asked the 2 of us out w/o our kids, we wouldn’t think poorly of them for that. We were under no delusion that our little darlings should be the center of everyone’s universes. If your friends get pissed off by that request, well, how important is it that you stay friends with them?
We often have invited folks over with their young kids, mainly because we know how important it is for them to get out of the house and have some adult interaction. However, our reason for such invites is not a desire to sit around focusing on the kid. Having raised 3 of our own, we’re simply not all that interested in little kids anymore until/if grandkids come along. So we have toys and videos available, a quiet place for the kid to nap, or ask our kids if they will be willing to play with/babysit the kids.
We have known couples who, when they brought their kids over, expected their little darlings to be the center of the adult activities. Sufffice it to say, after a time or 2, we stopped seeing those folks.
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Very well, Leaffan. I knew you weren’t the snarky sort and I take back every mean thing I was gonna start thinking about you
If your life experience is that kids are always included, one can’t expect you to see it any other way. The portion of your quote that I bolded really has me scratching my head, though. I don’t understand where the “potential self-indulgence” comes in, much less why I shouldn’t "even* think*about asking to have an adults only outing/ get together. Also, what is the relevance of the kid’s age and his eventual maturation?
Why is it self-indulgent not to want to deal with a child who gets bored and demands to be the center of attention every once in a while? The self-indulgence is in the apparent assumption that the child is constantly a welcome presence. Maybe the parents just haven’t figured out yet that sometimes they need to leave the little darling at home and Athena’s telling them this will be a wake-up call.
And when the kid is finally 20 it will be an adult and will perhaps not become bored and act out at adult social settings.
There is a difference between including kids and including kids every time. There are a world of things that adults may do together socially at which the presence of children is unwelcome or even unacceptable.
Look, I adore my kids, and I hate how fast time is slipping away. But I would be happy to leave them at home for an evening so I could have some fun adult time with friends. They get to have fun with a babysitter and go to bed at a decent hour, I get a happy, relaxed evening. There is nothing wrong with leaving your children with someone else for a few hours!
Ever heard that old song…“Everybody needs a little time away…” --it’s quite true.
