They may or may not be craving some adults-only time too, but it’s up to them to let you know if so. Since you’ve got the desire to spend more time with them, ask yourself if that desire is strong enough to make it worth paying for the sitter (figure $8-$10/hour, maybe way more or way less depending on your community). If so, and you make that offer to them very sincerely (being clear that you’re not saying “I’ll pay money not to have your daughter around”), they can decide whether to accept your offer or not, and will have a clear expression of your desire.
I’m just pointing out that they’re probably pretty comfortable having their daughter along (most parents are). If you really want some adult time with them, it might cost you. I would imagine that they would be willing to pay for babysitting from time to time as a “gift” to you once they enjoyed your goodwill.
Like what, an orgy or something? Like I said, we always went with my parents, and my parents’ friends always came along to our place. I relish the presence of my own kids, and other friends’ kids, because it breaks up the evening.
I dunno. I guess I’m still a kid at heart. There was a thread a while back on kids at weddings and my feelings were the same. If they’re your friends then let the kids come along.
Maybe I’m just feeling a bit nostalgic. You see my dad died April 9, and I REALLY, REALLY appreciate the sense of belonging and friendship that I share with his old friends due to the fact that I literally grew up in all of their homes.
Sorry about your dad, Leaffan. It’s awesome that you had and continue to have a great relationship with all his friends, and I hope it helps to ease you through this tough time.
Please don’t think that people that want an occasional adults only evening are selfish or have nefarious intentions(though I don’t see what business it is of anyone’s if I *were * planning an orgy).
I think an occassional night without the kidlet is fine. She’s four, she’ll be going to kindergarten next year. She needs to learn the world isn’t going to end simply because Mommy and Daddy aren’t around. Parents need a break too, and it’s not like they’re taking a four month cruise to the Caribbean. It’s one night, for Og’s sake. Actually, more like four-five hours. They will both survive.
By all means, ask for an adult-only night out with them. It’s quite possible they can’t afford a sitter, so offer to go halves with them on paying for one. If they’re the type that can’t stir a step without the Widdle Pwincess, then, my dear, you have a larger problem.
No, not an orgy. Just an adult atmosphere, where we can talk about adult topics, using adult language. Where we can converse with our friends without their being interrupted every five minutes by a bored kid. Where we can go to a nice restaurant without a kiddie menu, or enjoy a meal at home without a kid declaring the salmon mousse “yucky.”
If you like having kids around all the time, that’s your preference. Plenty of adults like to have some time off without the munchkins around. Tomayto, tomahto. It should not be the end of the world to spend some time in a different world for an evening.
A friend of mine once hosted a (public) concert that was likely to be mostly quiet, gentle music, geared toward adult sensibilities and easily disrupted by a crying or whining child. She told her friends who were used to bringing their kids to the usual family-friendly events, that this was an adult event and would they please get a sitter if they were planning to attend. Well, one person threw a holy shit fit. How dare they exclude her child, and she deserved a night out too! It’s not as if she showed up with the kid and was turned away without warning. She continues to be oblivious to the fact that yes, some events are better off sans kids.
Seems to me that when you choose to become a parent, you choose to accept a slightly curtailed social life.
How about an R or PG-13-rated movie? How about a sit-down dinner at an upscale restaurant, or formal or semi-formal dinner party? How about an adult-themed play? How about an opera or concert that the child is too young to understand? How about an evening of bridge or poker? How about wanting to meet for drinks in a bar that isn’t also a “family-friendly” restaurant? Attendance by young children is inappropriate at all of these and dragging them along can not only spoil the evening for the parents and their friends, but for everyone else at the event.
You do understand that different people can have different ideas about things and they can actually both be right, right? You and your circle of friends choose to include your children in every event. That’s fine for you and your circle of friends (as long as your childrens’ presence doesn’t disturb the enjoyment of any public events by others in attendance). Other people want to spend time with adult friends away from their children, and that’s fine too.
Depending on the wedding and the kids, their attendance may or may not be appropriate.
I won’t alter your quote because it’s against borad rules, so you’ll have to do it in your own imagination.
Intersperse random noises and interruptions, a few “I MUST become the center of attention RIGHT NOW” temper-tantrums, one or two questions that are repeated over and over even if answered, a good dozen deliberate interruptions by a bored child, a bad fall resulting in some crying and a bandage, six “Look at me!” calls for attention, and finally a rising, pitched screaming fit quite consciously attempting to drown out the entire post. And only ten minutes later do you get to reveal your ket emotional revelation about April 9, long after the flow and buildup of the rest of your post has been driven from everyone’s minds.
“Okay,” we respond, “Got it. Your dad died.” “Bobby, put that down!” “What?” “No you may not, young man!” “I’m sorry to hear about your – stop that this instant!”
See how the impact and poignancy of your post vanishes into chaos?
THAT is what I lose in gatherings dominated by small children…the ability to deliver even a single complete measured sentence for effect. No punchlines, no story arcs, no build-up, no syllogisms, no give-and-take, nothing more complex than a short sound bite blurted out in between interruptions.
It makes it difficult to communicate, and outright impossible to communicate subtlety or complexity.
And how else does the bored kid learn that she isn’t the centre of the universe. When my kids did this they got lectured on how to behave in public and got banished to another room.
You gotta point there. The parents should make the decision on whether or not the restaurant is kid-friendly or not.
Good point here too. I’m not saying I don’t like to spend time away from my kids; the OP was about a “polite” way of not inviting them in the first place.
Absolutely agree.
Absolutely agree. Again, the OP was regarding a polite way to ask friends not to bring kids. I don’t think there is a polite way to do this unless there are extenuating circumstances like the aforementioned concert. Otherwise saying “come over Saturday night, but don’t bring your daughter” cannot be taken any other way but impolitely.
Yeesh. Some things are appropriate to kids and some are not. Why is that so hard to understand? I’m sure it’s lovely for your kids to have mommy and daddy enjoying a night out and they get bannished to another room. Hire a sitter next time. Kids can learn they’re not the center of the universe by having mommy and daddy go out of an evening without them.
Wrong. It’s not impolite. It’s simply an indication that the kids won’t have a good time, so it’s best they stay home with a sitter and a stack of DVDs to watch. You may be offended, but many people aren’t.
About bringing kids: I mostly ended having to make new friends when they had kids. Not only did they bring them, but the kids then dominated every topic of conversation. And it wasn’t one-sided. A couple of them said as much to me - Well, we just don’t have anything in common anymore, Mika. I think when their kids gets more independent they may regret that, but oh well. But one way you could invite them over sans kid is to invite them after the kids bedtime. Don’t parents go anywhere without their kids? Which leads me to my next point:
On leaving them home: It’s good to start teaching little bits of independence very soon. Even if it’s just “I am leaving you with a babysitter for two hours” or whatever. Otherwise in my experience many times this leads to an excessively clingy kid.
Depends on the Kids as well. But not many kids especially young ones are up for enjoying an evening of adult type entertainment. Want to be smoking drinking playing poker, talking work… not much fun for many kids.
The best way I can think of is through a show of concern for the kid, something like…
We are planning a diner party and cocktail evening, I’d love for you to come, but feel that little Johnny might find it very boring. Would you be able to get a baby sitter for Saturday evening?
They may still bring the kid then, but if the kid gets bored/ornery then one of the parents can take kid home.
Though if your sense of humour is up to it, I’d just say you were planning an orgy and no one under 18 is allowed to attend.
A while back we planned an evening with some friends, to play a couple of card games, drink, whatever. We were REALLY surprised when all 3 couples showed up with their kids - three little girls all under the age of 4. We have a very small house and it isn’t kid friendly and neither is our dog, and it was just a really disappointing evening. The kids were bored and noisy and weren’t old enough to entertain themselves for more than 5 minutes at a time.
The next time we planned a games (okay, poker) night, we specified adults-only and it worked out just fine. I don’t believe anyone was hurt or offended.
We have a baby now and people know if they invite us over, we will bring her unless specified. (I am still breastfeeding, plus her bedtime is 7 p.m. so we aren’t socializing too much right now). We have found if we DON’T bring her with us, people are often surprised and disappointed, because they want to see her.
Since we are among the last of our group of friends to have children, we are pretty careful about making sure she is welcome and we are also careful to make sure it is appropriate. We have learned from our friends’ actions and don’t want to make the same assumptions and risk alienating them.
Oh, and if someone didn’t want us to bring her along, I would be fine with them saying so. They’re friends - if your friends can’t be honest and straightforward, then … I think the friendship may have to be re-evaluated.
I think Otto said it best. Just because I think that my kids are God’s gift to the world everyone should bow down at their feet in awe of their mere presence ( ), I’m sensitive to the fact that my married-w/o-kids-friends may not see it that way. I find it safest to assume that an invitation out from another couple is not meant to include the kids, unless clearly stated as such.
As a response to the OP, yes, it is possible to ask politely, and several previous posters have offered good options. We’ve found that when we want to see friends without our or their children, we say “We’d like to go out to dinner with you guys- are you able to get a sitter?” If the answer is no, we ask them to pick another date that they think they will be able to get one.
Also, I like our adult-only dinners to start around 8 pm and last until 10 or so. Since our kids go to bed at 8:15-8:30, as do the children of our friends, that’s clearly not meant for their inclusion.
How about, “Would you and your [husband] like a grown-up night out?”
When Mrs. Magill and I receive such an invitation, we jump at it. We love Fang, but it’s really nice to go over to someone’s house and not have to worry that he’s going to break something.
Sure there is, and it’s already been suggested: “How about an adults-only night next Saturday? Get a sitter for Princess, and come on over and I’ll make my famous ratatouille and we’ll watch Kill Bill 2.”
It’s hosts’ prerogative to set the tone (guest list, activities, dress code) for gatherings that they throw, and the guests are free to decline if they don’t like the terms. If the OP’s friends take offense at the invitation, that’s their problem.
Absolutely. Hell, when I was a kid, I loved it when my parents went out and left me with a sitter-usually my cousin Nancy, or her brother Timmy. They’d play Candyland with me-I loved Candyland.
Now my sister and I sometimes babysit for Timmy’s three kids. The love it when we come over. Babysitter time is fun time!
You know what? You’re right. I’m wrong. (It’s happened once or twice in the past too. I didn’t think this through enough beforehand.
Basically I, and my siblings, went pretty much everywhere with my parents, and apart from the odd night out for my wife and I, we take the kids along everywhere. Let me tell you though, my kids (7 and 8) are well behaved and know how to entertain themselves because we’ve included them, not in spite of it. And they absolutely love having a babysitter too. (Now if only I could get my daughter to eat - sorry that’s another thread!)
), I’m sensitive to the fact that my married-w/o-kids-friends may not see it that way. I find it safest to assume that an invitation out from another couple is not meant to include the kids, unless clearly stated as such.
I didn’t think this through enough beforehand.