Why's your dad not your dad?

In My Humble Opinion
1

First time poster, long time lurker, great topics, love the board.

That said, here’s my conundrum–was listening to the radio the other day when a lady came on and said that she was the product of her unfaithful mother’s affair. Her mother and father had been married and produced a large amount of children, but she had had an affair which produced this child. Divorce or a splintered family was not mentioned, so I assume the couple remained married, but cannot say for a fact. The woman went on to say how betrayed she was and how awful her mother was and how she had had an identity crisis and searched the world over for her “real” dad. So far, so good.

The whole exchange left me wondering: “what about the man who raised you, the guy you’ve called ‘Dad’ all these years? Does he count for nothing now?” Not being an adoptee (or love child) myself, I count myself lucky in being sure that Dad’s Dad. But this is a question I’ve always wondered about–popular portrayal of adoptees or the like have them, upon discovery of the truth, nearly disown the people who raised them and search for the “real” thing. Why is this? I can understand the identity crisis, I can even understand a curiosity to find birth parents, but I guess I have a problem with a disregard for the people who put love and support into one’s upbringing (assuming love and support were present in that upbringing). Why the negation of that very real parentage, untied by “blood” as it may be?

Please note that I’m not trying to be a troll, nor am I trying to undercut any personal experiences that are out there. I’m just curious as to what events conspired to bring out such feelings or why such feelings were present/absent. I’m also interested in discovering if adoptees of obviously different parentage (Asian babies to white/black American parents and vice versa, black babies to white parents and vv) had such problems.

Let the games begin!

2

In terms of rejection of the father who raised you, I think this is natural, at least temporarily, for people who didn’t know the circumstances of their birth. To find that out sets your whole world on its head–you wouldn’t know who to trust and you would feel betrayed in that you didn’t know the truth all these years. In the example above, the woman probably felt betrayed if she thought her parents were happy and faithful all these years and suddenly everything is cast into doubt.

I would think that in cases where the person knew they were adopted all along, meeting a birth parent would be the answer to all those questions about your birth origins, but do little to alienate you from parents who have raised you.

3

The adoptees I’ve known (the ones who’ve expressed a desire to find their birth parents, that is) did not want to turn away from their adoptive family, they simply wanted to fill in a missing piece of the puzzle – everything from, “where did I get my blue eyes” to “am I at risk for a genetic disease.”

4

I am adopted, have known since I was a baby. My parents have offered to help me search for my birth family whenever I am ready - and they know that THEY are my parents.

Of course as a kid when I’d fight with my parents I’d lie in my room after thinking “they are not my real parents, my real parents are kings and queens and circus performers and they will come for me someday and they will never, ever ground me” or something like that - it’s only natural.

But my adoptive parents ARE my real parents.

Blood ties are really important to some people - it sounds like the radio show caller is still reeling from the shock of finding out - I hope she settles down and is able to appreciate what her “dad” gave her throughout her life.

5

Well, to the best of my knowledge, I am not adopted. But I can understand the feelings behind wanting to find your birth parents. For most people, the questions they have about themselves get answered everyday. Things like: I cry everytime I see Steel Magnolias, just like my mom. I do that funny thing with my teeth just like my dad. My laugh is just like my moms but my smile is just like dads. My mom and I are the only ones that have this strange sense of humour. My dad and I are the only ones that like hot curry. Things that may seem trivial can be a great source of unanswered frustration for someone who has never met their biological parents. You want to know how much you inherited from your parents, and how much is just you. Of course, unless you have a bad relationship with your adopted parents to begin with, I’m not sure why you would want to dump them in favour of the parents that gave you up.

Still, I know that if I was adopted, I would search everywhere to find my biological family. Not to dump my real family (which to me would be the people who raised me), but just to answer all of my questions. I would have a hard time dating because I would always wonder if I’m dating a biological brother that I never knew I had…

6

I’m not an adopted child–but I consider myself one of those angsty children who just ‘didn’t belong’.

My parents never did any one thing that made me resent them so much–it was more like a culmination of things which gradually weighed down on my mind so much that I just developed a burning hatred towards them.

Or to sum it up in a different way, let me put it like this–they’re ambivalent so long as I don’t do anything bad. They’re happy only if I -excel- at something, and if I do something poorly–they’ve let me know about it. Time–after time–after time. As such–I grew up in a way where I felt like they were unhappy with who I was–and yet–they -raised- me to be that way! Crying or feeling sad was pounded into my head as being a sign of ‘weakness’ from my father–so I learned how to substitute ‘anger’ in it’s place.

It wasn’t until after I starting developing more around the age of 12, puberty, that I discovered on my own how stupid the behavior of my parent’s was. With puberty came the realization that I was gay–and I spent the next 4 years after that isolating myself and generally being miserable.

As providers–my parents have only meant one thing to me. Money. (they’re what you could call ‘wealthy’, but not yet ‘rich’.) Beyond that–I felt completely ‘robbed’ of everything that a person desires and -needs- in a childhood. I didn’t know what love was. Or security. Or playfulness. From the moment I learned how to read all I could do was ‘grow up’ and always act -many- years beyond my age.

This is a very ‘attention-grabbing’ topic for me because I feel like I’ve had the experience to make a good statement.

My ‘dear’ parents still can’t even grasp the idea of how much I resent them. They know I do–but they haven’t the slightest idea how much. Mostly because I’ve always ‘hid’ my inner self from them. A 14-year long charade. and when I move out in a couple months–I plan on never seeing or speaking to them again. They’ll think I’m a fool–but their money doesn’t mean anything to me.

My only real father is a man I met over the internet many years ago who helped me along to become the better person I am today. He -is-, in essence, the only person I truly value as a parent. And one who I want to be able to see more often once I’ve established myself better. The love and support he showed me in 3 years is more than I’ve ever expected or received from my blood-parents.

As for the ‘bloodlines’ deal. I’m kind of obsessed with that, too. Even though I’m trying to get over it. My parents are not evil people–but they completely failed at their duty. I stated before that I was gay–but people who know me better will say that I’ve always felt envious of the couples who can have children of their own. But at the same time–I feel almost honor-bound to never have children of my own. I have no brothers. And my mother can no longer conceive. That means when I finally die–I’ll take my father’s blood with me–and it will finally all end. :slight_smile:

I don’t know if you’ll find this long rant interesting or not. I just thought maybe a full, written out -example- of my story might give you some leads, and help you to understand what can make somebody ‘reject’ their blood-parents.

-Ashley