I want to third Auntie Pam and Js Goddess’s point that it’s OK to feel whatever emotion you feel. More specifically., it’s not being disloyal or inappropriate to feel relief, to find something funny, to smile at something, It’s also OK and not silly to burst into tears because the grocery store is out of the tea you like. Grief can be a little strange that way, and come out when you don’t expect it. Give yourself permission to feel your emotions.
If you can, spending the holidays somewhere different this year can help. Perhaps with a kid’s family, if they’re grown up, or at a sister or brother’s place, somewhere where the reminders of holidays past won’t be so intrusive, and with a bit of novelty to distract you.
If you can, see if someone close can live with you in your home for 3 to 4 weeks after the funeral. Mom lived alone with Dad, and was totally jumping at every little noise when alone in the house. Also, we found we needed emotional support more after all the bustle of the funeral was over, and everyone else was getting back to their lives.
Small children, particularly those whom you don’t have to take care of personally, and who can leave with their parents when you’re tired, can be a source of joy and light in these dark times. So can pets.
Dealing with his possessions can wait. Get better first.
Also, what **Ivylass **said. Every time she offers advice, I listen. She’s a wise one.
I’m so sorry for your loss. There really isn’t any advice I can give you other than grieve in your own way. Everyone suffers loss differently, so do and feel what is right for you. And we are always here for you to talk to.
I am so very sorry for your loss, as_u_wish. My Hubby passed, very suddenly, 16 months ago, and the advice so far is spot on. What you feel, how you react to things, is not wrong, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I was pretty much numb for several months, and after all that time, the meltdown took me by surprise.
Please do take what advantage you can of offers to help, even if it is just to have someone remind you to eat, or have a friend come and vacuum your living room. I’m so grateful that my Mom copes with stress by cleaning, my house sparkled.
I have found that waiting a year for major decisions was a good guideline, it has been so long and I am just starting to feel settled into the new version of normal.
My sincere condolences. I lost my father to cancer 9 years ago. He and my mother were married almost 50 years.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help, or to take it when offered. People really do want to help, and feel impotent that there’s so little they can do. Giving them even small tasks, like washing dishes, is a kindness for both of you.
It’s okay to feel relieved, or angry, or anything else.
People will say stupid things. They don’t mean to be stupid, but they want to say something, and what pops out is often just wrong. Let it go.
Don’t let the funeral home make you think you have to buy the biggest and shiniest. In the end, it’ll be sealed away and no one will care.
If you’re nervous at first staying by yourself, you’re not being silly. All those everyday noises take on a different tone when you’re by yourself. Stay with a friend or have someone stay with you, if it’s easier. But take time just to be by yourself. You’ll need time to process everything. People want to be close, but sometimes all you need is to be alone.
My mother died two months ago, and now her 2nd husband is going through the grief and loss. Don’t forget that someday the sun will shine again.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’m young and inexperienced and have no advice to offer (though it seems that the wonderful dopers who posted before me have covered that front, as usual), just my condolences.
My oldest daughter and I just spent a few hours going through pictures and scanning them for a photo montage. We’ve spent so long fighting the cancer and being sick, I’d really forgotten what my husband looked like when he was healthy. We laughed about the incredible changes in fashion–from our hippie hair in the 60s and my husband’s permed afro in the 70s and then his tail and mustache in the 80s, etc. He wasn’t always bald from chemo, but we’d gotten used to him that way.
I had a really awful moment on the way home. The roads were icy and, without thinking, I had my cell phone out to call my husband to warn him–and then realized (a) he didn’t need to know and (b) I couldn’t call him. Ka-pow grief bomb. I did, however, call my sister-in-law and let her cry with me.
The posts above really helped me to realize that this type of lapse is probably normal. Thank you all.
I’m sorry to hear about your husband **as u wish **(love your user name, by the way). I know that the next few days will be especially difficult, but we are here for you when you need to vent.
It’s absolutely normal. Our thoughts and reactions and habits are formed over our whole lifetimes. Your impulse to call and warn him is a loving impulse, and love doesn’t just disappear.
good on you for thinking of the “retreat room”. smartest thing i’ve ever heard. a really good thing to suggest to anyone dealing with the death of a loved one.
as u wish, you hit on one of the major triggers today. the reflex “gotta tell” moment, they really sneak up on you.
i hope you will be graced with comfort, peace, and strength.
My husband of 23 years died 8 mths ago after a fairly long, progressive illness. He was 45.
It’s been hard and still is. Comes and goes (and I think that’s important to remember, just in my experience; that you may get to a certain point and feel like, ok, I’m doing ok right now and then BAM!)
Also, I was utterly exhausted and useless for the first week or so (as in sleeping for 16 hours and feeling/looking like I’d been up for days, having to remind and then force myself to eat, unable to keep track of or handle anything) Take it easy and take whatever help is offered.
I attend bimonthly peer grief support groups (through a wonderful place called The Dougy Center here in Portland, which is for the kids, but when they do their groups, I go to mine with the other adults. )
Here’s a link because they train others to set up their own groups around the world…
Also, I frequent a forum on-line for younger widows and widowers which is very helpful and where you can ask or discuss anything:
It took me months to stop thinking/feeling, whenever I saw or heard something I knew he would appreciate, can’t wait to share this with him. Then the sudden realization…
First of all, I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I also want to reiterate that you shouldn’t feel guilty for any feelings you may have, even relief or no feelings at all. I lost my cousin a couple of years ago in a drowning incident that I had the great misfortune of witnessing and being unable to prevent. For a couple of weeks I put my emotions away in a little sack and hated the fact that I couldn’t even bring myself to tears unless I was around others that were crying. Finally, it dawned on my that if I were supposed to feel different, I would feel different. The fact is, your brain has coping mechanisms that keep you from going crazy during times like these. You can only cry so long before you have to smile.
I am so glad that you are able to recognise that he is in a state of relief right now. You did everything for him by taking care of him in his time of need. Now, you just need to take care of yourself. Don’t forget the good times you had, but don’t stew in them - they are not the last good times you’ll have . Surround yourself with family and friends for a while and it will do you a world of good.
I still do this, even though it’s been 16 years and I’ve remarried. There are so many things he would have gotten a kick out of, especially things with the kids.
Speaking of lapses, several months after my husband died, the hospital called. “This is Dr. Katz from University Hospital.” My immediate thought was that there’d been a mistake, that he wasn’t really dead.
And I didn’t cry for the longest time. One afternoon about a month after, I was sorting his clothes and my former boss from Seattle called to see how I was doing. Poor woman. I broke down on the phone with her. (And we weren’t even that close.)
We went through old pictures to find one of my FIL for his wake. We found one taken at my son’s fourth birthday party. He had a Batman theme, and my FIL has the party hat pulled down on his forehead like a unicorn horn and he’s laughing. That’s the one we picked. It was a little odd, looking at it, knowing when it was taken and not realizing at the time we would blow it up for his wake.
Don’t be surprised if you feel sadder on some days more than others. The loss of his father really hits Ivylad on the day of the Ohio State/Michigan football game. They’re huge Buckeye fans, and if they couldn’t get together to watch the game they would phone each other afterward to talk about it. Last year, even though his dad had been gone for three years, Ivylad picked up the phone to call his dad after the game.
Our daughter is a huge Buckeye fan (I blame my husband’s brainwashing) and I know Ivylad enjoys watching the game with her, since she’s so enthusiastic, but he still gets a bit weepy around that day.
And if you dream about him, take it as a sign your hubby came for a visit. I dreamed about my FIl on occasion, and it gave me such a sense of comfort…like he was still near, even though we couldn’t talk to him.
as_u_wish I’m so very sorry. My neighbor lost her husband earlier this year. Let your friends and family take care of what little things they can, you focus on taking care of yourself. It will be overwhelming at times, but you will make it.
I wish I could adequately express how much this thread is helping me.
Today I’m going through financial materials. We never could see eye-to-eye about money–I’m a saver and a pay-off-the-credit-cards-or-don’t-use them kind of person. He’s (was, but I’m in denial right now ) a free wheeling max-out-the-cards-and-pay-the-interest kinda guy. I stopped paying off his credit cards years ago because he’d just max them out again. But, this being a community property state, I knew that someday I’d need to deal with his mess. And I took measures–I put well over half my earnings the last two years into savings so I would be able to cope. Today I got up my courage and opened all his statements–VISA (3 cards), Discover, Sears and a gas card–all maxed out. I’m putting them in order to pay off. I hate doing this, I wish he wasn’t so foolish about money.
I know every purchase he made he was doing for the family–I’d just have preferred to do without until we could pay cash. It will be interesting to see how I manage now that I can save and know the money won’t be spent unless I spend it. No matter how hard I try, this has always been one aspect of his approach to life that I couldn’t understand. I expect he couldn’t really understand this part of me either.
as_u_wish, before you start paying off the credit cards, check and see if he signed up for any insurance/protection plans. I don’t know what’s available for credit card debt, but I know you can add life/disability insurance for bank loans, and maybe he did that.
IANAL but if he obtained and used the cards without your knowledge, and if they were just in his name, maybe you’re off the hook.
. Surround yourself with family and friends for a while and it will do you a world of good.