Yesterday my husband of 40 plus years died after a 3 year struggle with cancer. He was suffering and his death was in many ways a relief. But now we all feel so empty. “Everything” is planned. And “nothing” is planned. I don’t know what to do and there’s everything to do. I can’t seem to think beyond tomorrow and I’m planning 10 years ahead. I could use some comfort and advice–especially from people who have been there.
I don’t post much, but some of you may remember us from the funny things during sex thread.
That sums up so much–we’ve been together “forever”–we’ve laughed, fought, cried, and experienced the adventure that is life. Fifty-seven is too early to lose someone you can’t imagine life without.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Though I know it was a relief in a way for the suffering to end, you won’t realize how much grief is still bottled up inside you. Be good to yourself.
When my husband died, I remember the feeling of urgency, the need to get everything done at once. Go through what you need to do now, arrangements and such. Take your time for all the rest. Accept when people offer you help, friends, family. If you accept their support and help, you’re making things easier for yourself AND for them.
Don’t make any other major changes in your life, not for at least a year.
I remember that I was too stunned to react at my husband’s death, it took months before I cried. Like your husband, he was too young to die, only 38. I think it took me 7 years to feel “unmarried” to him. I’ll tell you about that another time.
as_u_wish, I wish I could fix you a cup of tea and give you a hug, so I hope you have friends and family around you who will surround you with their love and care.
My condolences to you. I can not fathom what you are experiencing. Based solely on other (lesser) losses in my life, I can only echo the advice to remember to also take care of yourself right now.
Thank you both–it is amazing how much kind words mean. Moodindigo–your post reminded me to make myself a cup of tea–I’ve been so disoriented this morning that I forgot. I haven’t forgotten to make tea/coffee in decades. So in a way you did make me a cup of tea. I’m heading out to do logistics now.
I’m very sorry for your loss. It’s tough, but as others have said, accept the help that your loved ones are sure to offer. This will be invaluable as you wade through paperwork. It can be confusing and frustrating and you may not be at your mental best to handle it alone just yet. Your friends and family want to help you get through this. While they can’t ease the emotional pain, they can help with just about everything else.
My advice right now is don’t do anything for a week after the funeral. The stress is gonna break, and it’s not fun or pretty. Give yourself some time to wind down. Let someone else bring you groceries and do chores, you take some time to deal with the grief the best you can.
Then, after the dam breaks, pick yourself up and try to get on with things, but go slowly when trying to resume ‘normal’ life. If you get depressed, it’s not a sign of weakness, nor is mourning. Get help if you think need it.
This comes from dealing with my mother’s death, FWIW. I was driving home from the grocery store the day after her funeral when my meltdown happened, and it nearly caused a wreck.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I don’t have any advice for you, but I did want to pop in and give you a hug and let you know that you are in my thoughts. Hang in there, okay?
The advice that helped me most when my husband died was “Don’t let anyone tell you what you should be feeling”. All emotions are valid at this time and you shouldn’t feel guilty (or shocked) at anything you’re feeling. There were days when I felt relieved that I didn’t have to watch my husband struggle to breathe, and days when I felt guilty for enjoying a normal life again – sleeping through the night, taking a shower or going to the grocery store without first arranging someone to sit with him. I felt like something was wrong with me if I laughed at a joke or enjoyed a cup of coffee or picked up a book. “How can I smile? He was only 47 years old and he’s gone! What’s wrong with me?”
And sometimes I was angry with him for leaving me all by myself. All of that is okay.
I’m so sorry. I wanted to give the same advice AuntiePam did. It’s okay to feel anything you feel. You can be sad, angry, relieved, tired, happy it’s over, or anything else. Your emotions are yours, not anyone else’s, and you never have to apologize for them.
There is no “normal” way to handle a loss of this magnitude.
as_u_wish I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Although I cannot give first hand advice, I watched my mom go through mourning after her beloved husband died. Please know that you’re in my thoughts.
I very well remember that post you linked in your OP! Thank you for sharing that with us.
I don’t have advice of my own, but my mother-in-law lost her husband early and unexpectedly, and she said once that the best advice she could give someone in that situation is: Don’t make any big decisions for a year. Don’t sell the house, don’t buy a house, don’t move across the country. I don’t know how valid that is, but she has repeated it often enough.
My mother lost my dad 20 years ago, and it was so hard! Dad was only sick a few weeks and the brevity of his illness, as well as the outcome, shocked us thoroughly. I don’t think we actually felt anything until about a week later.
Mom says she was bewildered and shocked and didn’t feel anything for a year.
Having lost a child, myself, I can understand a level of grief that thankfully most people don’t have to experience at all, or not at the young age I did, and my mother did when she lost Dad (he was 49, she 46).
Take care of yourself! Remember to eat. Accept offers to help and when the time comes you need help and no one’s offering, call up someone you trust, someone who meant it when they said, “call me anytime.”
It was a while before I began to see myself as me instead of “the woman who lost her child.” It may take you a while too. Time heals. I’m offering a prayer for you. Hugs, Ellen
I agree with no decisions for a year. You have to get through the first Christmas, the first anniversary, the first birthday without him. Hell, you have enough trouble right now just breathing.
Take someone with you to plan the funeral. I went with my MIL, SILs, and Ivylad when my FIL died, and I was able to ask pertinent questions that they were too overwrought to consider.
And when you feel up to it, I’d love to hear some stories about your husband.
Just popping in again to say thanks. I am seeing so much wisdom in the advice to take care of myself–because I’m not. I made that cup of tea this morning because of the reminder. And just now (noon) I realized I haven’t eaten since lunch yesterday. This is really really SO not normal. So I ate and I do feel better.
I’ve heard the “wait a year” advice from others and it seems excellent. I don’t think I’ll be thinking clearly about the future for at least that long.
I did do one thing for myself today–I told the funeral director that I wanted a “retreat room” where my children and I can get away from everyone else if we get too overwhelmed. We tend to be somewhat private about our emotions and many of our friends like to express their grief communally. Other people crying and getting too emotional will push me right over the edge. I feel much calmer now that I know there will be a sequestered place where I can go to compose myself. The children are so happy I said something. At Grandma’s funeral last year my daughter played a beautiful oboe solo and then was overcome with emotion. She’d have been calm in a couple minutes if so many beloved and well meaning people had left her some space instead of comforting her. I finally went into “mama bear mode” and shooed them all away and put her in a coat room. She stayed there quite a while. So at least Friday she’ll know where the “coat” room is ahead of time.
I’m heading out to do logistics now.